My sister and I were very close growing up. We shared interests, favorite colors, and favorite TV shows. We had designated spots in the car, her on the right, me on the left. I was always pink and she was purple. She ‘claimed’ Zac Efron and Louis Tomlinson as her ‘favorites’ and I was not allowed to like them or else I would get yelled at by her. We were always side by side. It wasn’t until we got older, there was more of a space between us. We grew to have differences, didn’t have the same humor anymore, and went to different schools. She would come home and go straight to her room, judging me if I came and knocked on her door asking to play school or house, as that wasn’t considered ‘cool’ anymore. I wasn’t allowed inside or around her room the more I continued to ask. She stayed in her room to the point where I would never see her anymore around the house. If we did see each other, we wouldn’t talk or even look at each other. Just gave off an awkward tension. 

As time went on, I learned to solve my own problems without having the help of an older sister to tell me how to figure things out. It was like a void in my life that I was once so familiar with now gone. Not like she was dead, but the way we stopped talking, it almost seemed like she was. The version I knew her as was dead. I grew to not rely on her anymore. I had my own independence but also had that missing void. Once she went away to college we never spoke once. I said a simple ‘goodbye’ to her, without a hug, without a kiss, even without a high-five or fist-bump. Once I started my school year and the weather became colder and leaves were turning warmer, my birthday arrived. As I was getting all these birthday wishes and text messages, not one came from my sister. It wasn’t until the accidental ‘make sure to text your sis happy birthday’ text I got from my mom. I replied back asking ‘was this meant for Jenna?’ My mom didn’t respond. However, 10 minutes later, I got a very glum ‘hbd’ from my sister. 

It makes me wonder if I’ve ever done something wrong. If I ever said something that pissed her off and she never forgave me. Or, if I was annoying and she simply wanted nothing to do with me. Considering we don’t text each other or keep in contact with each other at all, I wonder if she thinks about me like how I think about her. I wonder if she ever misses the relationship we’ve once had, or if it’s too awkward and far too late to become close. I lie awake at night thinking if we’ll ever be those two close daughters that once did everything together again, or if our relationship will stay absent til forever.