I really wish I hadn’t given into what my mom said, maybe I didn’t know who she was and why she said that, but it hurt. I remember walking down the stairs from my old house in Bainbridge Island. I walked each step mindlessly and came down into the hallway and saw my mom reading something in the kitchen. She told me, “Be bright” again. I wanted to ask her what she meant by that. I thought to myself, I am bright. I wanted scream and tell her I was bright, and that I didn’t understand why she said that. I wanted to ask her if I would ever be enough to her. I thought she knew me better than anyone else in the world because she was my mom, but I was wrong. I knew deep down that I was bright but then the doubts started to arise. I started to doubt what being bright meant, and I started to think what if I’m doing everything wrong? Is there something wrong with me? This was a breaking point for me. This didn’t happen to me once, but many times. I really started to question my goodness. Unfortunately, I decided to give in to what she said, maybe she was right after all, maybe I’m not bright? I decided to change my life so it would fit her expectations. I decided to do everything differently from what I understood as being bright. I learned that words can hurt, that there is such a thing as depression, that sometimes you have to stand alone, and that there is always time to start doing things right again. I know depression is real and that it’s important to keep on trying.

I never quite understood my mom and always struggled to impress her. It’s hard to talk with my mom. When I sit down and try to have a normal conversation with her it doesn’t work out. I will talk about how my day went and sometimes I feel like she’s present but not really there for me. Also if I had a fight with her, I wouldn’t express my true feelings because I was afraid of getting hurt. If I say something that she doesn’t like, she will force me to say I am wrong. So I always ended up feeling worthless and powerless. I always felt a tension between my mom and I. Every time I try to impress her by means of getting good grades, practicing piano or violin, and etc. She wouldn’t seem that satisfied. When I would ask her why she doesn’t seem so excited for me, she would say “why do I have to? Do you want me to sing your name or something every time you do something good?” I would then reply, “No that’s not what I mean, I just want you to say something more than just good job.” And then she will respond, “ Okay good job, Awesome, fantastic!”, but it wasn’t from her heart. It hurts that every time I try to talk to her it always ends up like this. I wish she could be there for me emotionally but I feel like she isn’t actually there. I wish she knew that being a mother isn’t just providing food, clothes, and things like this, but providing emotionally. I long for a relationship where I can talk with my mom without any worries and that she would really be there for me. It’s always been a struggle to understand my mom and I did my best to please her and understand her. But did she do that for me?

  I made the worst decision in my life thinking that there would be an easy out, I decided to do everything differently from what I thought was being bright. I wanted to figure out for myself if there was something wrong with me, if the idea of what I thought was being bright was wrong. I walked out of door onto the doorsteps of my old house in Bainbridge Island, as my family was about to leave, I made a silent decision to myself to do everything opposite of what I thought was being bright. I knew that this wasn’t right but I was willing to give my whole energy and soul into this unexamined life, because what if I was wrong after all? Junior year begin as the usual, new school, making new friends, adjusting to your classes and teachers, and so on. Except there was something different about me. At first I was having a good time, ignoring my feelings and just being happy. But then I became disconnected to my feelings and my friends. I chose to look at the world differently than I did before. I chose not to be cheerful anymore but sad. I chose not to be confident but shy. I remember in English class, I forced myself to feel shy, which choked the words that were coming out of my mouth when I spoke to someone. I forced myself to pretend I didn’t know how to smile, I became awkward. But I still didn’t let go of changing because it felt so new, I didn’t know what was coming. I also hurt a friend along the way, she was an international student from Japan, she spoke good English. She was so nice and fun to be around. But our friendship didn’t last long because one day I accused her that she didn’t want to hang out with me, after she told me that she had to go to the library for an emergency. I remember thinking to myself what am I doing? But I still went along with it because I wanted to see the outcome of doing the opposite of what I thought was being bright. I tried to be friends with her afterwards, but it was hard. She didn’t understand me and at that point I was suffering mentally and emotionally. I remember thinking to myself, what did I do? What have I become? I was becoming more like my mom every day.

The day after realizing what I did to myself, I felt lost and I didn’t know how to handle it. I felt like I didn’t know what it was like to be happy, or how to be happy. I felt like I was present but not really there. I felt like had all these emotions at once and if I let those emotions out it would make me collapse into a ball. I was really lost. I struggled to make it out alive throughout the day, I wasn’t living it. I struggled to keep a smile on my face, words just came out as words, and was I suppose to feel after I said something? The natural emotions that came to me mindlessly were now alien to me . And I wasn’t quite sure how to produce these emotions either. I never really thought about how I should respond to something but now I did. I felt heartless. Life was dull and meaningless. I felt as though this gray cloud followed me everywhere I went, and sleep was the only escape. Later, my mom told me that I needed to see a therapist because she was sick of having to deal with me, so was I. The therapist told me I had a major depressive disorder. I was happy to be diagnosed, but was I ever going to get out of this oppression? My mom told me that she didn’t understand why I got depressed even though I tried explaining it to her, and she told me not to blame her for any of it. She didn’t even feel sorry for saying those hurtful words to me. I had no one to turn to after that. I felt alone and hopeless.

I still tried to get better. I did everything I could to get better. I told myself that everything was going to be fine in the end. I tried my best efforts to live life. I tried making friends again, not sleeping as much, trying to be happy, and doing things right again. Although the effects of depression never went away, I reminded myself at least I was going the right direction. And there were many times when I wanted to give up, give up on life and everything else. I would have major melt down moments in my room. Did my mom know my pain? Still though there was something inside of me wanting to keep on going, and I did. There is going to be days where you just want to give up, but remember that life gets better. I remember the day when I felt like I could breathe again, it was great.

I still struggle with depression but I always keep on trying. Sometimes in life there are going to be people who take you down, but don’t let that in, and if you do there is a way back. I will never come to understand my mom or her intentions of saying that to me, but I know someday I won’t care after all why she said that. If people hurt you, don’t let that define you. Maybe depression won’t get better, but I can at least start the long journey ahead to happiness.