When I was really young I always loved when Nana came to visit.  She was perfect in every way I thought possible.  She always smelled of soap that had a strong perfume to it, and she always wore black boots and a long sleeve turtleneck shirt. One day when my parents were going out of town Nana came to babysit my Brother and I.  Her cheeky grin always made me smile and we always had so much fun together playing games and watching movies.  That day we had a Star Wars movie marathon.  We sat in the sunlight that flooded through the living room windows as we blazed through the Star Wars movies.  When it was about midway, Nana had asked us what we wanted for dinner, that way we knew exactly what we wanted when dinner time came around.  An hour later she asked us again.  Another hour later she asked a third time and me being around the age of seven, thought she was being silly and messing with me.  There was a slight fear in the back of my mind as the rest of the day continued.  Little did I know that this was the beginning of my future living circumstance. Nana, a little later had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease.  I am writing about this struggle because Alzheimer’s is becoming more and more of a problem today.  Not only is it more of an issue now, but more people are having to care for someone with this disease in their home. 
    

Looking back at all the time I spent around Nana I see that she was teaching me something new every step of the way.  I was able to learn more about her life by talking to my mom as well.  When Nana moved in my house, my mom took on a huge responsibility that I didn’t fully understand as a fifth grader.  One thing I didn’t know for a long time is that my mom was getting paid to take care of Nana.  My mom and I had gotten into many of arguments because after the disease progressed enough it was hard for me to understand why things were changing and why mom had to do things the way she did.
    

I recently realized just how much I knew about taking care of someone with Alzheimer’s and the stages they go through.  In July I went to girl’s camp for the last time.  I was eating dinner outside at the picnic tables, next to a few older women.  One of the women began to explain something that sounded very familiar to me.  She was talking about her mother that she was taking care of and the weird things she would do. The further the conversation went I started to get anxiety.  My fingers would not stop tapping and I wasn’t able to keep still.  Tears began to line the rims of my eyes and I felt as if I was reliving all of my pains of my home life. I knew her mother had the beginning stages of either Alzheimer’s or Dementia.  I asked her if her mother had Alzheimer’s and she said that her mother had recently been diagnosed with Dementia.  I told her I knew exactly what she’s going through and was able to tell her what to expect next.  I didn’t realize until after I was done speaking with this woman about what I have had experience in that I truly understood how much I knew and experienced growing up. 
    

Endurance, patience, and compassion are something you develop overtime when you are put through many challenges.  When dealing with a disease as complicated and frustrating as Alzheimer’s you can’t get upset or angry because it only makes the situation worse.  I remember countless times when my mom would be in tears, raising her voice at Nana because Nana wasn’t cooperating.  Mom was tired and was wishing she could give up, but knowing my mother she is like a train trying to pull a load too much.  I remember yelling at my mom, because I was feeling like my mom had disappeared.  I had a heart that was both hard as stone and falling apart at the same time. She always had to be there with Nana.  When my Nana had reached a certain stage, mom couldn’t leave the house unless my Aunt was there to take my mom’s place.  I don’t know how many times I have wept and fallen asleep on my bedroom floor, feeling like my home was somewhere else.  My home felt as if it were in some other reality, or left behind in a dream that whispered parts of my past in my ear.
    

I was in high school was when my Nana’s mind really came crashing down.  Most of the time I was in high school I was angry and frustrated at Nana.  It sounds terrible but she had come into my life and interrupted everything and stole my mom from me.  Being in our living room was stressful and I sought refuge in my room but even that didn’t work.  I could still hear my mom yelling from down stairs and I could feel Nana’s presence seeping through the walls.  My mom would constantly vent to me like I was some sort of therapist.  I could only handle that for so long because I am an emotional sponge.  It’s hard enough just going to high school.  Everything seemed to revolve around Nana.  I thought my life was so unfair and my patience was being tested.  I felt bad for only thinking of how this affected me because I couldn’t imagine being robbed of my memory.  I learned how to be more compassionate not only towards Nana but to others in pain as well.  Today I am able to see Nana in a different light and see that she has given me the opportunity to become a better person.
   

Little surprises truly have made my life a little easier to bear.  After a certain stage of Alzheimer’s there are things you just don’t expect to see anymore, such as speaking or formulating full sentences.  As Alzheimer’s progresses the person with Alzheimer’s becomes more and more like a child.  Right now Nana’s mental state is that of an infant.  About a year ago, my mom, aunt and I were all in the living room and I was asking my nana what her name was.  She looked me in the eyes and said “My name is Shirley Jean.”  Everyone looked at each other with wide eyes shocked about what had just come out of her mouth.  We all told her that she did a good job and she got all smiley.  Nana does so many little things each day that are worth celebrating and it makes my life happier to recognize them.  I can now recognize the little things in my life that make me happy and it makes my life simple and full of love.
     

Now that I am away from home I am able to see my past more clearly. I still struggle with Nana and my memories with her occasionally, but without her in my life constantly, my life would be unrecognizably different. If we all picked our battles we wouldn’t learn as much as we could, so I’m thankful that I was given this one.  I wish I would have gotten to know Nana a little more before she got Alzheimer’s.  It would have been nice to see who she was other than playing games and tickling me when I was little.  She seems like she was quite the character or as my great uncle would say, a drama queen.   I know that when she passes it won’t be easy but I know it will be a great relief for both her and our family.  I’m grateful I was able to be a part of her support in taking care of her.