insecurities. what a fine word, right? insecure. feeling insecure. being insecure. we’ve all experienced it. we know what it feels like to have our self confidence and self esteem crushed into tiny pieces because of her. because of it. she doesn’t let us live. she’s always there. in the back of our head, whispering the truth, or so she says. so it says. she’s always been there. and most likely, always will. battle after battle, she’s more likely to win. the war seems endless. you think maybe, just maybe, you’ll win this battle. but she comes, stomping one foot after the other towards you. right until she’s at your weakest spot. ready to destroy you. without a care in the world. in her world, this is like any other day. a dream come true. her dreams keep coming true. while our, your, dreams are being crushed.

one by one, they’re forgotten. because of her, it. you slowly begin to feed off her and her words. believing them more and more each day. each time. they become the truth for you, too. as she says. so you begin to change your appearance. not only your appearance, but yourself. you begin to change everything about you. to the point where you don’t recognize yourself when looking in the mirror. and in changing yourself, your attitude changed with you. the whispers become louder. ‘she’s never satisfied’ you think. ‘she wants more. she always wants more.’

every time you’re speaking with someone, you hear her whisper, “stop”. you decide this time, ‘it’s my turn to win. this battle will be won by me. not you.’ you tell her, unsure of yourself. but you continue speaking to the person. surprisingly, it’s working. you don’t feel her “presence” in the back of your head. you feel yourself having a good time in the conversation. feel yourself feeling happy. the feeling of a wide smile spreading across your face, your eyes forming into half-moon crescents, your teeth showing. a genuine smile. an eye smile, that hasn’t been shown in a while. because of her. you listen to the person’s words fall off their lips. you then hear her, “it won’t work. just stop now. you know you’re not good enough, why do you still try-“ you hear the person calling your name, snapping you out of your trance you didn’t know you were in. you apologize, tell them you’re fine, and to continue. something you’ve rehearsed by yourself before you go out into public. as they continue, so does she. “honestly. why do you still try? need i remind you how annoying your presence is to other people? you’re not fun to be around. you’re boring. it’s hard to look at you for more than a second. you should just go back home, get under the covers, and cry for the 10th time today. nobody cares. nobody has ever cared. and nobody ever will. so stop-“

“are you okay?” the question snaps your eyes over to your friend. that’s what you called them. but that’s now what she called them.

“h-huh, what? i’m sorry i-“

“you’re crying..” you furrow your eyebrows. and bring your hand up to your cheeks. you feel your cheeks are wet, and notice your vision is somewhat blurred. you bring your hands back down to your view, blink a few times to clear your vision, and see your hands are covered in tears. ‘you were crying, but why? what she had said isn’t even the worst of everything she’s ever said. this might’ve been better than the last. much better.’ you were still trying to figure out why she had gotten to you. why it had gotten to you. and you remembered, your friend. you look back up at them. you can see that they were genuinely confused. and concerned? usually the two feelings people had when speaking to you. at least when you let her get to you. just like now.

“i’m sorry. i’ve just-“

“you don’t need to apologize. i understand.” now you were the confused one. you’ve never heard someone respond this way. usually it would be: “it’s okay. but there’s a lot to be happy about. you’ll be better soon.” something along those lines. but never this. and it made you want to continue on this subject. but then again, you’ve always closed yourself off to other people, never told anyone your insecurities, about her, it. you thought no one cared. at least, that’s what she told you. you always believed her. but you decided, ‘what the hell, you can go home and comfort yourself later if this doesn’t go well.’

“what do you mean you understand?” you questioned. she continued,
“i understand. everyone has those days. or maybe just, everyday.” you understood, but then you didn’t. you needed more. so you asked,
“you-you’re...what do you mean?” you didn’t know how to ask. you didn’t have “best friends”. or just close friends in general. you had acquaintances. meaning, you had no one to open up to.
“being sad. feeling sadness. everyone feels it. but there’s just days, it comes for no reason, and some for a reason. in your case, it looks like there’s a reason.” you felt as if she was reading you like an open book. you could tell she was being careful with her words. and you knew why. you didn’t know whether to confide in her or shut her out, just like she tells you to. as you’re making your decision, she says,

“you don’t have to tell me the reason. i hope you know that. i don’t need to know. unless you want me to know. then i’ll listen. but if you feel like it’s none of my business, that’s fine. we can move on and pretend like nothing happened.. if that’s what you want.” you look at her shocked. she just answered all your questions. ‘this is working out too well, you need to just change the subject, and forget it happened’. but you decide to go for it.

“can i really trust you?” she nodded, with a look of sincerity on her face. some part of you felt relief. why? you don’t know. nor did you care at this point. so you did confide in her. you tried your best to keep the tears in, but they spilled. the whole time you let it out, she listened, just like she said she would. full attention towards you the entire time. she looked like she understood every word you choked out. you hadn’t realized how much you had been crying until after you let it all out. feeling.. better? you had never really felt this way. it was rare. but it did feel good to tell someone. someone who looked like they cared. “for once”, she whispered. you tried your best to ignore her. and, while you were trying your best to clean yourself up, your friend spoke up.

“how do you feel now?” she asks. you smiled a small smile, responding with

“honestly, much better. thank you.” she returned the smile, a little wider, and adds

“i know that feeling. it’s a really good one. but anytime, really.” it was your turn to smile wider. she was one of your, earlier mentioned, acquaintances. you both stood up from your seats, and stood there for a second. you were trying to recollect yourself. you exhaled a big breath and looked at her. she was standing there, a small smile on her face. she extended her arms out for a hug, you gladly accepted. you were both about to leave when you suddenly stopped,
“did you mean what you said?” she looks at you, slightly confused. you answer her unasked question,

“”anytime”, did you really mean anytime, or..” her confused expression now changed into a smile once again,

“yes, i meant it. you know where to reach me, if you need me. or even if you don’t.” she then walked away, looking back and smiling. and, in that moment, you felt relief once again, and content. but not for long. walking your way home, she came back into your head with her whispers.

you tried to ignore them, block them out, to continue being in your good mood. by the time you were home, the whispers had only gotten louder. they were saying different things now. things you’ve never heard her say before, but then again, you have. but she sounded scared, worried, insecure. you would’ve never thought insecurity herself, would be at her weakest moment. she had always seem so demanding, so intimidating, and so strong. stupid, right? to say insecurity is strong? shouldn’t she be weak? you would assume so. but not her. she was always tough. tough on you. remember when i said you couldn’t feel her “presence” anymore? that’s what insecurity seemed to you. a demon. multiple demons. familiar saying, right? but not in this situation. your mistakes weren’t your demons. she was.

she kept telling you, shouting at you, “why would you tell her all of that?! she wasn’t your friend, idiot! i mean, did you see her?! how pretty she was? how nice her body was? her smile, her eyes, her hair, her clothes, they were all perfect. girls like her, aren’t friends with people like you. why can’t you understand that? she could use all of it against you later. just watch. oh my god. how stupid can you be?! you should’ve never opened your big fat mouth. all it ever does is cause trouble. everyone’s gonna know what a depressed, insecure little baby you are now. and, it’s all your fault.”

her words were swimming through your mind all over the place. you didn’t know how to handle them. you were already sobbing hard. you felt like you couldn’t breathe. your thoughts were all over the place now. ‘what if all of it was an act? what if she didn’t care? what if she was just pretending so she can laugh at me behind my back with her other friends?’ many “what if’s” were popping into your head, and they wouldn’t stop. you put all of your trust in her. you confided in her thinking, hoping - begging - she was the one. she was going to be a real friend. a thing you haven’t had in years because of her. she always told you to distance yourself from your “friends”. she always told you they were going to stab you in the back later, they were going to hurt you later, might as well drop them now. if it wasn’t that, it was that you weren’t good enough. if they were pretty now, they’d be even prettier later on. and i’d still be the same.

“ugly and fat. would you just lose some goddamn weight already? i mean, look at you! who wants to be friends with that? who wants to be seen with that? you’re an embarrassment. just drop them.” so you did. every time she told you to do something, you obeyed. thinking it was the right thing to do. to listen. to obey. you did what you could. you dropped the friends. you lost some weight. you tried to make yourself look decent. by applying makeup, and styling your hair, buying new clothes. you thought you had finally looked great. you could finally look at yourself in the mirror, and be happy with what you see. but, she was never happy. she always found a flaw.

“your hips are too big. your arms, too. i thought we discussed this already. lose some weight, fatty. and try doing more squats. remember guys? it’s not just for the girls, honey, it’s for the guys, too.” you obeyed again. you found improvement each time. you thought you were really looking better. you thought, maybe you’d thank her. but she always found a flaw. “your calves are too skinny. your hair isn’t long enough. dye it another color. maybe that’ll work. and don’t even get me started on your crooked teeth. god..” you felt yourself giving up after a while. thinking, ‘every single time, she’s never satisfied. i don’t know how much longer i can do it. i might as well just give up.’ so you did. but she never stopped bugging you.

she was always there reminding you of your flaws. more and more thoughts kept coming into your head. you thought you could’ve run out of tears at this point. but they were still rolling down one after the other. each tear as warm as the last. your eyes so puffy, red, and swollen. your cheeks blotchy. your eyebrows scrunched together. you didn’t know what to do anymore. you didn’t even realize you were nearly tearing your house apart. vases shattered, pillows, pictures, everything was thrown all around the room. you then plopped yourself onto your couch. you felt yourself calming a bit. just sitting there, thinking about everything. your thoughts took you back to your conversation with your friend earlier. all of her words. they were so comforting then, as they were now.

“everyone’s insecure. some may not seem like they are, but that’s only because they’re hiding it. or.. they’ve somehow learned to dealt with it. which is rare. insecurities get the best of us sometimes. just like they did to you just now. we always have this doubt feeling. we’re either second guessing ourselves or others. but let me tell you. it’s okay to be insecure. because you’re not the only one. even if you were, it would still be okay. because it’s normal. it is totally normal to feel like you’re not good enough. not pretty enough, nice enough, caring enough, “skinny” enough, or even “thick” enough. everyone feels this about themselves sometimes. and some of those times, we believe them. and usually not because someone else told us so, but because we told ourselves so. but i am here to tell you, you’re absolutely perfect the way you are. we all have our flaws, that we wish we could fix. but those flaws are what make us human. and i can see you haven’t thought about that. you were too busy trying to impress not only yourself, but other people. which you shouldn’t have to do. people should accept the way you are. because that’s who you are. and you should love yourself because you are amazing. you’re beautiful, sweet, funny, extremely smart, and full of potential. if anything you should be proud of yourself. embrace your insecurities. yeah, i get that does seem weird. but embracing them will only show other people that you’re human. and that you have flaws. and you don’t need to be perfect because you already are. i get that this all seems really cheesy, but it’s from my heart, which is also really cheesy, but i hope it made you feel better. and have a different view on insecurities.”

you couldn’t remember all that she had said, of course. there was so much she had said. but you do remember the parts that had been swimming around with your other mean thoughts.

“love yourself. you’re human. embrace your insecurities. you’re absolutely perfect the way you are. ..have a different view on insecurities.”

by now, you had stopped crying tears of sadness, but tears of joy. of content. you took a breath in and out. you sniffled. finally feeling like you got somewhere through this whole mental and emotional breakdown. you pulled your phone out of your back pocket, texting your friend, asking if you could meet tomorrow, and she replied with ‘yes’. your insecurities were at rest. you had cleaned up your emotions. now, all that was left was to clean up your house.