There’s a quarter on thefloor, there’s a quarter on the floor, there’s a bright,shiny quarter on the white, shiny floor ...” I sing becauseI’m bored. I like to sing songs when I’m bored.Doctors’ offices are boring places. But it doesn’t have tobe a quarter - sometimes it’s a dog on the grassy floor or a pieceof Play-Doh on Mrs. B’s floor.

Mrs. B is my second-gradeteacher. And I’m James. Don’t call me Jimmy. On the firstday of school, Mrs. B called me Jimmy and I cried and kicked andscreamed until Mommy had to come from work and pick me up. Mommywasn’t very happy. She said, “James, you drive me nutssometimes.” I don’t know what that means because there wereno nuts or squirrels around and she wasn’t driving when she saidit. But I knew Mommy was mad because her eyebrows got all scrunchy andher eyes got all squinty and her voice sounded like the voice she useswhen she scolds our dog Homer when he goes to the bathroom on thecarpet. Homer doesn’t use the toilet like people do, buthe’s not allowed to use the carpet - and neither am I. One time Iused the carpet as a toilet and Mommy’s face got all scrunchyagain. But we don’t have Homer anymore, he made Mommy’s eyeswater and that’s why I don’t think she liked him verymuch.

When she made me give Homer away, I bought Lisa, my petgoldfish. I name my animals after Simpsons characters. I like theSimpsons because they have four fingers. Plus they’re yellow likePaul, the smartest kid in Mrs. B’s class. He’s yellow andsmart because he’s Chinese and one time I got in trouble forsaying that to him and Mrs. B said I was doing something calledstereotyping. But I don’t know what that means.

I wantedPaul to be my friend so he could help me with my spelling, but he saidhe wouldn’t because I hurt his feelings, but I said I was onlytelling the truth. Then his eyes started to leak and they wouldn’tstop and then my eyes started to leak and I don’t like peopleseeing my eyes leak so I hid in the closet and did puzzles for the restof the day.

Another thing I hide is Lisa because she talks.Regular fish don’t talk, they just swim around and are real quietbecause all they do is use their gills to breathe and don’t speak.But Lisa speaks. Sometimes she talks real nice to me, but other timesshe orders me around like the gym teacher who always tells me toparticipate, but I don’t like participating in gym class becauseall the other kids throw those red rubber kick balls at my head. Nomatter how many times I tell the teacher it hurts, he doesn’tbelieve me because he’s probably never had a rubber kick ballthrown at his head.

Billy Rivers throws really hard and histhrows hurt the most. This is because he is athletic and plays lots ofsports and his arm muscles are really strong. That’s why Idon’t like him. And neither does Lisa. Lisa told me that I shouldpunish Billy Rivers for hurting me because that’s what God woulddo, but I said no because Mommy says that if someone hurts you, youshould tell a grown-up, and they’ll help. But when I tried tothink of all the grown-ups I could tell, I couldn’t think of anywho would help me. The gym teacher was mean, Mommy wasn’t inschool, and Mrs. B told me I gave her headaches. So I listened to Lisaand did what God would do and I punished Billy Rivers.

Ipretended I was my old cat, Marge, and pounced on Billy Rivers andhissed and scratched and bit until there was blood trickling down hisarms and face. He was screaming which made me feel good because he wasfinally getting what he deserved for throwing things at my head. He keptscreaming until Mrs. B pulled me off him. She asked what the hell I wasdoing and first I was scared because no one had ever said hell to mebefore because grown-ups usually try not to curse around kids and then Iwas happy because I was thinking about hell and how I would smile allthe time if Billy Rivers went to hell now.

I told Mrs. B that Iwas pretending to be Marge, but I forgot to tell her who Marge was soshe pulled me toward the principal’s office, but I tried to biteher hand and she got scared and I ran into the closet and shut the door.I didn’t hear anything for a while. When the door opened Mrs. Band Mommy were there in front of me. I was scared Mommy would start toyell or cry like she does when she has to leave work to pick me up, butshe looked tired. She gently took my hand and we walked to the car.

The whole ride Mommy was quiet. Now we’re at thedoctor’s, but it’s not my regular doctor because itdoesn’t have the picture of Mickey Mouse in a hospital gown on thewall. Everyone here looks sad and quiet. I asked Mommy why we’rehere since I didn’t feel sick. When she didn’t say anythingI figured she couldn’t hear me so I started singing mythings-on-the-floor song, but Mommy said be quiet. She was angry. Shesaid we were here to talk with this doctor and we’d all talktogether about my feelings and what we should do. I don’t knowwhat that means, but I don’t think I’ll let Lisa talk,she’s gotten me in enough trouble already. Plus, she’s asecret goldfish, anyway.