If you inhale oxygen, you will die. The composition of O2 acts as an addictive neurotoxin, immediately taking over the body’s primary functions and forcing the mind to become lethally addicted. Due to how common oxygen is, addiction can start as soon as the body is conceived in the mother’s womb. 100% of babies born on oxygen filled planets are born addicts to this toxic substance.

Oxygen addiction isn’t similar to other types of drug addictions. Oxygen addiction becomes permanent after the first breath, and going even a few minutes without it can lead to a loss of consciousness or death. The body will shut down entirely if the addiction isn’t satisfied within an average maximum of 3 minutes. Some are able to last 6 minutes of oxygen withdrawal, but they quickly give in to the addiction or die soon after. Oxygen is also a jealous drug, setting up other healthy supplements such as cocaine and heroin to be incredibly harmful, even though it’s just oxygen purposely causing harmful symptoms when any substance other than it is injected. Because of this, billions of humans have been tricked into thinking that inhaling paint odors and consuming methamphetamine causes brain damage when it’s actually oxygen just framing these “drugs.”

When the neurotoxin is injected, multiple symptoms can occur, such as (but not limited to) anger, hatred, lust for violence, depression, addiction to other substances, anxiety, fear, paranoia, hallucinations, short-mindedness, the belief that preposterous things such as the moon exists, the seven deadly sins, allergic reactions to various substances, sociopathy, psychopathy, and a lack of faith in people who possess groundbreaking proof of a universal threat. Various infamous characters such as Kim Jong Un and Joseph Stalin breathed oxygen and suffered from the more extreme side-effects, inevitably leading to millions of oxygen-related deaths. Oxygen also affects plants, animals, and the state of the planet it exists on. Oxygen causes droughts, famine, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, extinction, mass diseases for any species, and many other natural disasters. Global warming is directly caused by the overwhelming amount of oxygen on Earth, because of oxygen’s lacking ability to properly insulate and protect the world it festers in due to its dangerous composition of methane, carbon dioxide, and all the kittens oxygen has killed in the past 200 years.

Oxygen is not only a highly addictive substance, but it is also a drug with a horrifying 100% lethality rate. 100% of people who breathe oxygen die. Due to oxygen being a neurotoxin, it slowly degrades your brain, heart, and body. It also weakens the immune system to a point where disease is possible (and the fact that airborne diseases can be spread through oxygen consumption does not help the case). Sufferers of oxygen addiction have an average lifespan of 40-110 years after their first breath (results may vary based off of bodily strength, intelligence [which is already hindered by oxygen], and luck). Oxygen-related deaths are completely unavoidable, as all deaths are caused by oxygen-related incidents. Along with people like Stalin, every mass murderer, suicide victim, corrupt government agent, and drunk driver (along with literally everyone else that has caused death within themselves or others) has consumed massive amounts of oxygen. Every freak accident has been caused by oxygen. It is an epidemic that has existed even before us, causing the extinction of millions of species, causing ice ages, fiery droughts, and torrential floods on earth. Almost every religious text ends with the prediction of Armageddon, and they all have one thing in common: all the life-ending disasters predicted can actually be caused by oxygen. It’s a conspiracy that has existed for eons, and I have finally devised a solution to this nearly unsolvable problem.

Enter The Babies In Space program. To save the human race, a new breed of humans need to be evolved, in the oxygen-free vacuum of space. My proposition is to send newlywed couples into space before they begin reproduction. When they are ready to give birth, they are attached to a special device of my making. The boys in white tend to call it the “crazy freaking baby cannon,” but I prefer to call this machine by its official name, the Defensive Ethically Assistive Twinjet Hydraulic System, or D.E.A.T.H.S. for short. What this wonderful machine does is replace the awkward, unprofessional hands of a nurse with a smooth, tender robotic vacuum that gently pulls the baby out and directly into space. The container is completely airtight to ensure that the newborn never gets a single taste of oxygen. This guarantees that 100% of the babies born will not have any hint of oxygen addiction. Once there are enough oxygen-free space babies to start a new civilisation when they come of age, all oxygen breathing humans are to be terminated, as the mind-possessing effects of oxygen will cause the delusional belief that this is an irrational and genocidal plan.

The cost for this mission does not matter to me, as Earth will be destroyed as the human race resets (therefore causing currency to become meaningless). However, I have calculated the total cost of the program. Due to rockets only being able to carry around 4 people (two couples) at least 600 rockets will need to be built, promising at least 1,200 births. This will cost 36 billion dollars. One space station costs 150 billion USD to be built, each housing up to 10 people (5 couples). This means that 240 space stations need to be built, adding 36 trillion dollars to the total cost. Every D.E.A.T.H.S. costs $40,000 dollars to make, adding 48 million dollars. Adding in supplies and miscellaneous necessities, the total will be an easy $36,036,048,500,000 in USD. This leaves more than half of the entire world’s money reserves for other things.

I am a very rational man. I have spent hours carefully articulating this plan to guarantee a flawless execution... I mean... completion. My crippling oxygen addiction inspired me to research the effects of this drug, and mastermind a plan of action. That is why I am so invested in this plot to save humanity, and I have spared no expenses in guaranteeing that everything goes according to plan. Thank you for your time.