I feel schizophrenic. I play so many roles in life that I tend to get lost in many of the parts. What makes it worse is that every role has different traits. Daughter; responsible, loving, mature, but innocent. Friend; helpful, funny, care-free. Student; smart, perfect, understanding.
It’s hard to remember which “me” I’m supposed to be at the time. And even worse, when I have to be all of them at once. With the pressure to keep in character for each role, also comes the stress of taking on each activity that that “me” would take on. I’ve put on so many acts that I’m not very sure who the real me is anymore, I fear she’s lost in the sea of costumes I use to please everyone and that I won’t be able to realize when I’m using the prop she would. Or talking to someone who only knows the real me and sees through my masks. I must be some actress because I’ve managed to fool everyone. Each morning, I wake up and prepare for my changes in personality because if I’m not aware of who I have to play that day, I am hit much too hard with the force of change within myself. Then I start the day, switching from daughter to student to friend, not in that particular order though. Only time I feel the most like me is when I’m alone, in complete silence and serenity at night. It’s those few moments before I drift into sleep where I let my true voice seep its way out into the open and offer her input on the day. It feels somewhat warming to hear my real self, but frightening to not have to fake it.