Characters:
Owen: Just out of college, looking for his first job. Well dressed in a suit and tie, confident in himself, small in stature.
Franchise Phelps: Manager of the company, very short, exceedingly tan (fake bake), speaks loudly.
Time: Present
Setting:
Conference Room: White walls with no art hanging, except for a huge picture of Franchise Phelps hanging at the front of the conference table. There are no windows, a white table, white chairs, and very bright fluorescent lighting. Owen is sitting in the 4th chair near the middle of the table waiting patiently. He has his briefcase on his lap and a red leather notebook with a noticeably expensive pen clipped to the cover.
[Owen waits patiently at the table fidgeting and looking around]
[Franchise Phelps busts through the doors is a hurry]
FP: Name, social security number, date of birth, college attended, major studied, degrees acquired, parent or guardian first middle and last name, address, phone number, and email address. In order, make haste, go.
O: Um, Well, Hello I…
FP: I didn’t ask for a fancy introduction. Go.
O: Owen Spacey uh…. 3..5…6…
FP: Make haste I said. Go.
O: I uh.. I’m sorry I don’t know my social security number.
FP: You don’t… he doesn’t know is social security number! [Under his breath while digging around in his briefcase] Doesn’t know his social security number, by god, what has this world come to. I come in here to hire some punk a** kid and he doesn’t even know his information.
[Looks up from his briefcase]
FP: Alright kid. I found no pleasure in meeting you; the door is to your right.
O: Wait that’s it?
FP: You are simply not prepared.
O: [Fires off quickly] Name: Owen Tyler Spacey. Social Security Number:… Dammit. Date of birth: 4/23/1990. Graduate of Stanford University with a bachelor’s in public reations. Mother: Leanne Elaine Spacey. Father: Gregory Simon Spacey. Address: 4445 S. Tumblecreek Ct Chicago IL 54302. Email Address: Owenspacey that’s spelled s-p-a-c-e-y @ aol.com. Sir.
FP: You forgot your phone number.
O: I don’t usually give that out..
FP: Fair enough.
[FP flips through some paper work.]
FP: Alright Owen Tyler Spacey. Now that we have your information out of the way I’d like to ask you some questions.
O: I will get you my social security card by tomorrow sir I promise. I’m sorry that I don’t have it today. I don’t know what I was thinking
FP: I have yet to ask you a question and you have already given me an answer. Follow directions honestly Owen.
O: Sorry, I’m sorry. I should just go.
------
FP: And where would that get you.
O: What?
FP: Is that how you handle your problems Owen? You just run away? Look inside yourself Owen. Who are you?
O: I am… Owen?
FP: But what makes you who you are.
O: Um… I guess.. I just don’t know how to answer that question.
FP: Let us begin with what defines you. Your character.
O: Well, I like to play soccer?
FP: Perfect that’s a great start! What is it about soccer that you like so much?
O: Well, I mean it’s a good stress reliever…
FP: (Interrupting) Oh you have stress in your life? Elaborate please.
O: My parents divorced when I was in high school so that just adds so much tension with the family. Getting together over the holidays is becoming a chore, and it really put a lot of pressure on me and my brothers.
FP: Owen, my heart truly goes out to you. If there is anything I can do to make life less stressful for you throughout your time working here please just let me know.
O: Wait… You mean I got the job?
-----
FP: Blasphemy! What is this! You got the job?! How dare you jump to such conclusions this is outrage!
O: Oh, I’m so sorry I just thought, you said that…
FP: You don’t know me! You cannot simply assume that what I say is what I mean! Honestly Owen.
O: Sir, I’m sorry! I take it back I didn’t know!
FP: (Furiously taking down notes, ignoring Owen)
O: Sir?
FP: (looks up, rolls eyes, then continues writing)
O: Mr. Phelps? Here let me just continue “defining who I am”. I graduated with a bachelors in Public Relations; I am extremely organized. I have been very active in my college’s student government. I enjoy problem solving.
FP: Do you honestly think, that a Man such as myself cares, about what you enjoy. Do you think I care what you did in college? Do you think that matters to me?
O: Um…
FP: You clearly have learned nothing throughout your years of education have you.
O: You know what, I’m gonna go... (Gathers his things and walks away)
--------
FP: (Gets up hurriedly to stop Owen) No Owen no! You have to press through what troubles you. You will never get anywhere in life if you run from you fears.
O: Mr. Phelps. What do you want from me.
FP: I want you to breath. With me now, breathe in, breathe out. Good. Now come with me onto the carpet. Let’s make this environment a little bit more welcoming shall we?
O: Okay…?
FP: There we are. Alright now. I’m going to ask you a series of questions in which I need you to completely erase all fears and anxieties and answer from your heart.
O: I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this Mr. Phelps.
FP: Please, call my Franchise
O: Alright…?
FP: And nonsense about you being comfortable. Tell me now. What is the best piece of advice you have ever received and why was it so important?
O: Well… Um …
-------
FP: WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE CARPET!
O: Excuse me?
FP: (Scrambling to stand up and straightening out his jacket) Get off the ground. Now. This is a professional environment Owen. Not kindergarten naptime with milk and cookies and a little movie and your baby blanket!
O: (Standing up slowly) I’m sorry…
FP: Don’t apologize. It’s too late for that now. If you want this job, you are going to need to impress me. Do you know what it means to impress someone Owen? Because seeing you on the floor is not a very good first impression. Honestly.
O: Mr. Phelps, I’m sorry. I think I’m just going to gather my belongings and leave. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what you want from me. I just don’t understand.
FP: (Throwing arms left and right in a fit) How dare you insult me? What makes you so much better than I? What is it that makes you think that you can just walk into my office, on my time, and waste an entire interview? Are you a sick man? Are you insane? What were you expecting to get out of this experience here with me huh? Because frankly, I think that you, Owen, are crazy. I think you’re crazy!!!
O: (Backing away toward the door) Thank you Mr. Phelps. I’m gonna go now.
-----
FP: (Running toward O) Oh Owen I told you call me Franchise please. This is a welcoming space. This is harmonious and peaceful. Join me now, tell me about yourself.
O: Oh man. You think I’m crazy? I’m out of here. (Runs out the door with briefcase in hand)
FP: (Yelling down the hallway after Owen) Never forget who you are Owen. If you run from your problems, you will never make any progress! You must keep on! You must never give up! Never Give up!
-----
FP: AND STOP RUNNING IN MY OFFICE SPACE YOU INCONSIDERATE PUNK!

----
Setting: Owen’s dorm room in college. Owen is lying in his twin bed. His graduation gown is hung up and visible.
O: (Sits up suddenly. He had been dreaming all along)
(Owen’s voice over comes on through the speakers as if he is thinking out loud)
O: Oh my god, it was just a dream. Thank goodness. (Looks over toward graduation gown) Today’s graduation day… If that’s what it’s gonna be like in the real world… maybe… I don’t wanna graduate after all. School might not be so bad after all… I guess.
(Owen pulls the covers back over his head and decides not to wake up for graduation day)
(Curtain falls)