I'll tell you my story.
I'll start from the top.
I'll leave out no details,
And at the ending I'll stop.

My troubles with women
Began right from birth,
With my very own mother,
Queen Beth Merryworth.
That name that she gave me
Is one no mother should give.
I mean, what was she thinking?
“Charming” is an adjective!
I was only sixteen
When I ticked off a witch.
She made me a beast.
Man, that girl was a b***h.
I would have been beastly
For the rest of my life,
But Belle came and saved me.
So I made her my wife.
That was a mistake
I learned pretty quick.
My new wife was crazy,
A pure lunatic!
She was convinced that the teapot
Was the teacup's mama,
And had long conversations
With the candelabra.
So I put her in a madhouse,
Went to France with a friend,
And out walking one day,
I saw a long braid's blond end.
Her name was Rapunzel
And with my strength and power
I climbed up her hair
And freed her from her tower.
I was already married,
But I'm a sucker for blonds.
And on the eve of our wedding
She got a dye job!
The passion fizzled and died.
I was in love with her hair.
I explained this to her
And then ran out of there.
Not three weeks later,
One crisp winter night,
I met another woman.
Her name was Snow White.
And she was a darling.
No one was patient or kinder.
She'd been living for years
With seven short miners.
But Snow White had a problem:
She loved talking to strangers.
I'd come home each night
To find her in danger.
She'd shelter the wanted,
Have thieves in for tea.
“But they were so nice!”
She'd say later to me.
I hired a doorman,
A gateman and some guards.
But she cohorted with criminals
And was put behind bars.
Three times I'd been married,
And none had been great.
One in a madhouse, the other in jail,
Hadn't talked to Rapunzel since
our wedding date.
My parents were desperate.
So they hosted a ball.
And I met Cinderella,
The most famous of all.
She was gorgeous and lovely,
But I missed all the signs.
Something was wrong
With my pretty wife's mind.
I know that I found her
With the glass slipper's match.
But that girl would lose her head
If it wasn't attached.
She misplaced her ring,
Lost her tiara, my crown.
And when I'd question their whereabouts
She'd ponder and frown.
“Your wife has dementia,”
Said Dr. Gerome.
And she moved from the palace
To a retirement home.
I was defending the border,
Doing my princely duty.
When I first came across
My dear Sleeping Beauty.
She awoke with my kiss
And we were happy awhile.
But the queen of my country
Needed this century's styles.
Now at this point
My mother went crazy.
She assembled a plan
Of which the logic is hazy.
We had one different princess
Over each night
And they slept upon mattresses
At a great height.
My mom put a pea
At the base of each stack,
And we waited for the girl
Who felt a rock at her back.
The one girl arrived
And we were married like that.
But she was not sensitive,
Just an insomniac.
She could only sleep
If she was doped to the gills.
And it wasn't too long
Before she was addicted to pills.
My wife was a drug addict.
She was locked in a ward
After two more attempts
To take her life with my sword.

By this point in my life,
I've been married six times.
And I'm totally sick
Of those wedding chimes.
So I'm swearing off women.
My dreams of wedlock are sunk.
It's just not working out …
I'm now Prince Charming the Monk.