Merry Christmas! Welcome to Hallendale Prison where all the finest inmates are kept under lock and key. My name is Lawrence and I’m in here because I’ve conned “important” people. I’ve been here for about five years and you get to know your place real fast. Well most do. I still don’t. I mean I’m quite valuable here to everyone. I’ve always kind of been one of those guys that no one really knew what to do with. I don’t really go out of my way to make friends here I try to keep to my cell as much as possible. I keep myself busy by carving little creatures out of bars of soap. I have a whole family of gnomes and reindeer. And they have a small village. Yeah it’s come to that. Years of boredom have led me to be really crafty with soap and toothbrushes.
Anyway I digress; I do come out around Christmastime. It’s the best time of year around here. Everyone is in an exceptionally happy mood. My cellmate I swear this guy is insane! He should be checked in to a mental hospital. His name is Lukas. Who names their kid Lukas? With a k you’re just setting that kid up for failure. Anyway Lukas has been my cellmate since I first arrived. He seemed completely normal at first. Then my favorite gnome went missing I mean I pretended I didn’t care but that gnome took me six months! I asked Lukas what had happened he told me he pawned my gnome at the local drugstore. What drugstore? We’re in prison! He is completely delusional! Lukas however, cherishes the holidays. He runs around like he’s a five year old on crack. He convinces a guard every year to dress up like Santa Claus because Lukas well he’ll always believe. It’s good for morale anyway.
I don’t mind Lukas around holidays he’s better than Lafayette the gang leader of cellblock E. My first day here Lafayette starts screaming at me in like 12 different languages trying to figure out just what I spoke. His customary first try is always French and no one here really speaks it. Well I do. But I’ll never tell him then I would be forced to converse with this guy. Lukas is definitely my first choice insane or not. The one guard here well we call him Titanic cause if he had taken a left turn that day instead of a right well he’d be sinking in here with us. He’s usually elected to be Santa and he’s a good sport about it. He even brings us stuff and hands it out cell to cell of course if the warden knew he’d probably be in the cell next to me. The other guards well they just turn a blind eye, what do they care? Even the rival gangs at least attempt to stay in the same room and not kill each other. I mean last year they sent three guys to the infirmary which is better than their usual fifteen…. they’re working on it.
In all actuality I couldn’t tell you what Christmas is like in prison? I’ve pretty much been in solitary since I got here. You see Lukas “accidently” told off some of the gang in cellblock E. which led to his shanking. I may or may not have been behind it. I just told you a beautiful story and you believed it because I’m a con man and that is what I do. There was a loud deafening buzz as my cell door was open and I was allowed out of solitary for the first time in 4 years.