I began looking into my everyday life to see if I knew any superheroes personally. The mailman- no, the Chinese food delivery man- HELL NO, or maybe the plumber- I mean, I've already seen his ass, but my type is not 40 year old who lives in his mother's basement with a beer-gut. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing wrong with being ugly- my own sister is not a looker in fact! I just think that since I have been blessed with this wonderful gift of beauty, that I should be grateful!
I was starting to get worried that I would not find the right suitor for the job, but I didn't give up! My mother always told me, "If at first you don't succeed, try try again!" That might have been the weed and meth talking, but it was good advice nonetheless. I guess you could say that I had a "hard" childhood with my mom being a drug addict. If you said that, though, you'd be wrong! Mom was always throwing parties and she always let me stay up to 3 a.m.! I had a pretty good childhood. I used to go to the therapy, you know, to deal with the whole "I need a superman to be happy" crap. There is nothing wrong that! Many women need male companionship for confidence.
I searched far and wide for my soon to be new beau, but I was so unlucky! I set into the streets of New York City to find a crime fighting hottie. I soon realized that I would need to take matters into my own hands. I enlisted the help of my average looking sister, Pip. Pip is a 5 foot 4 135 pound waitress. She is only 19, but that's only 3 years younger than me.
We made posters that said, "Calling all Superheroes! We need your help to find a true love for Janice Crestenson!" And then it had a picture of me, looking perfect as usual, on the bottom. We set up a table in my apartment, and cleared my living room! We would have an old fashioned audition.
It the big day, my big day. I waited impatiently for my men to come. The clock showed 11:48, only 12 minutes before I find the love of my life. My heart was beating faster and faster as each second passed. The clock finally read 12:00 and I stood up to greet my visitors. 5 minutes pass, no one. 10 minutes pass, no one. Even 20 minutes pass without even a creak of a step! Is it possible that I, Miss Beautiful had been stood up, by men who wear tights?! How is this possible?! This is not right! Someone must have put the wrong address on the flyer! I look over at my sister who can tell I was perplexed. She opens her mouth and I expect an explanation for this madness, but all she says is ,"Sorry sis!" "Sorry sis?! Thanks Pip, that makes everything better!" I roar. I don't know what Pip thinks of this situation, but she opens her mouth again, "Congrats on your first time being stood up! How does it feel?" I can only imagine how red my face got with vex. I try to stay calm, but the words just shoot out of me like a bullet in a gun,"YOU DON'T REALIZE WHO I AM DO YOU? I KNOW WE ARE SISTERS, AND ALL, BUT WE ARE NOTHING ALIKE. DO YOU SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE? GUYS LIKE ME. THEY TALK TO ME. I DON'T REMEMBER THE LAST I HAD TO BUY MYSELF A DRINK, EVEN IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BOYS BOUGHT ME CHOCOLATE MILK!" I cannot believe that I had said that. I know I'm mean and all, but that is vile what I had said. Of course I couldn't apologize, though, since that would mean that I was wrong. Yes, what I said what horrid and heinous, but it was true. Nothing that I said was wrong. Was it mean- yes?! But isn't the truth usually hard to hear? Pip bolted out of the room before I had time to say something nice to her. Looks like this mission would be of my doings only.