“So what is depression?” My Sunday school teacher seems to make it a point to look directly at me. I just lean back and stare at the bland ceiling tiles, counting the dots, counting the seconds ‘till I get out of this small stuffy room and back into my little twin sized bed.

“Do you have any thoughts on the subject Madie?”

I don’t say anything; just start picking at my nail polish, watching the glittery chips fall into my lap. I shouldn’t even be here. It’s 9 o’clock in the morning, and it’s not like I believe in any of this stuff anyways. Religion just seems like something that was invented to keep people from “misbehaving”. But Jeff thinks I should go to church. He says I need “God” in my life. As if. I’ve done fine without him.

“What would your definition of depression be? Cody?” For once, I’m interested. I want
to hear this.

Cody looks right at me, “Depression is a lack of hope. People who have no hope just give up. They feel no reason to live anymore.” He scratches his wrist. “Hope, no matter how small, is what keeps humanity alive.”

I stare at him. Then his wrists. They’re covered in scars. Every time I see those lines, it feels like someone is ripping a piece of my heart out and rubbing it in the dirt, taunting me, “You should have been there.” I should have. I wonder what he used to hope for?
When did he lose all of his hope?
When did he fall?

We make eye contact.

I see all of his pain. It’s like I’m drowning in it. I’m suffocating. How does he deal with this? My eyes drift down to his wrists.
Oh. Right.

I can feel his eyes on me, daring me to look into them again. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid I wont be able to take it again. I’m afraid it will break me like I’ve been broken so many times before.

Somebody coughs. I stare at the ceiling again. I wonder how much it would take to bring it down?

“You know, you’re going to have to participate sometime Madie.”

I shrug.

Is Cody still staring at me?

I glimpse and catch his eye. The pain hits me again.
A tear slips down my cheek and I mouth the words “I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, the pain is more bearable.