Pain, pain is all I can think about. How did this happen to me? I have asked myself that many times. “You didn’t ask for this,” my old and worried mother always said to me. Now she doesn’t even look at me. “He’s coming!” I scream at the top of my lungs but no one seems to be listening. Can’t they tell that it’s tearing me apart? Do they not see what I’m going through? I can’t feel anything as I get pushed through those big grey double doors. Maybe never to come back again, I tell myself. This could be it for me. The pain increases and I feel as though if I screamed any louder I would be torn in half. I breathe loud and hard, hoping someone will come and calm me down. No one does because they don’t care. “You can do this; you can make it through. You’re strong, I know you are.” That was the last thing I heard my best friend say before any of this happened, before I caused all this. Pain, pushing, pain, pushing all repeating itself kind of like a beat, one two three, one two three. How will I survive this? Will I be the same after this is over? I holler, yell, scream, and I tell myself not to cry. “You’re doing great,” I think is what the doctor said. That is the last thing I need to hear. “He’s almost out,” a nurse yelled, but I could barely hear her. The last thing I remember was yelling at the boy standing in the doorway, “I’m too young!”

Then, the pain stopped. As if everything was gone. All my grief, all my sorrow, all the teasing, the laughing, the name calling didn’t matter anymore. I looked up and I couldn’t stop myself from crying now. I quickly got myself together, and I saw what was in the doctor’s hands. It was my baby boy. I whispered, “Let me hold him.” The doctor moved over to my pale white and hard bed and laid my small baby in my weak and shaky hands. I bent down and kissed his cheek. It was so incredibly soft, like kissing a plush blanket only with so much more worth. I felt like I was on a cloud of air. I couldn’t speak, but somehow managed to whisper, “I love you.” I slipped my hand underneath the cloth he was wrapped in and felt his warmth. I didn’t care what the world said at that moment. I couldn’t hear what people were saying about me. All I cared about was this perfect little bundle I had in my arms.

My silence was broken when he woke, and he immediately started crying. I laughed a little because I couldn’t believe what I had created in the past nine months. Everything I had dwelt with was worth it. I gave him back to a nurse so she could do what has to be done when a baby is born. That’s when my mother came in for the first time I have seen her in months. She looked shocked. “You’re going to give it up for adoption, aren’t you?” I looked at her with anger in my eyes.
“Adoption? Why on earth would I give my creation up for adoption? Are you insane?”
She jumped back a little. She was startled at my tone but I didn’t care right now. “You’re only 16. There are plenty of people in this world who can’t have babies and would love to have it. “
“Stop saying it!” I screamed at her. “He, mother, my baby is a he, and no I am not going to give HIM up for adoption.” I looked straight into her eyes. “This is my baby and there is no way that I’m giving him up. Because what has happened to me these past nine months was all worth this now and you are ruining it!”
“You were raped, honey. Do you really want to live with that?”
I turned away, “I don’t care. I will make sure that man will never be in his life. He doesn’t deserve to meet his father.” Then my mother turned away with fury and walked out the door, probably to never talk to me again.

I leaned back against my bed. How could she expect me to just give my beautiful child up? I mean, I had just seen him for the first time and she wanted me to give him up, no way. Just then there was a knocking on my door. I yelled, “If it’s you, Mom, go away,” but it wasn’t; it was Josh, my best friend since 5th grade.
“Well, you look awful.” He stared at me with a smirk on his pimpled, tan, blonde haired face. His sense of humor is what made us best friends in the first place. I mean after all, he was the only one who stood by me.
“Oh why thank you, and you’re back to looking like your stupid monkey self I see.” He made a monkey sound and held his small and skinny arms up and danced around. I laughed. He came up and sat on my bed which, of course, shook as if getting set with a new body on top of it.
“So anyway, how are you doing? I passed “him” in the hallway. Did he come and say hi or anything?”
“I’m fine. The pain is still terrible but I’m doing better. No, I didn’t say anything to him and he didn’t say anything to me.”
Josh looked up at the ceiling and back at me. “So what are you going to name your baby?”
I looked down at my little, thin sheet of a blanket that was supposed to keep me warm. I hadn’t thought of baby names.
“How about-“
“What about Blake?” I looked around to see where the sound had come from and immediately the fire returned in my eyes. Ryan Chester was standing at the door with the stupid ugly yet adorable smile on his face. I knew that smile too well; it was what drew me into him. He stood there in his jet black leather jacket, very tight skinny blue jeans and his plain white t-shirt. His hair was as straight brown as it has always been. His bright blue eyes stared right into mine. He walked into the room and stood next a corner of the wall and just leaned there. I hoped he would have slipped off.
“Well, I think I should let you two talk about this,” and with that Josh, was out the door. Frankly, I didn’t want to be here either, but I had to take care of this.

“How did everything go?” he asked.
“Fine,” I tried to say without looking into his beautiful eyes.
“Good, that’s good.”
“Yeah, but of course this didn’t have to happen.” He moved his head up from the ground, and stared at me with confusion. I stared right on back because I knew he knew what I was talking about.
“Now look I”
“Stop! Just stop, Ok, you knew what you were doing. You didn’t care what the consequences were, and frankly you just wanted what was on the outside.”
His head dropped again. “The past is the past now. We have to give him the best possible future that he can have,” he said.
I was shocked he actually thought he would get a saying in this. “We, oh no there is no we. This is MY baby and my baby doesn’t go anywhere near you. I understand that you are his father but because of you my entire life is in pieces.” I saw tears in his eyes. I had hurt him and I kind of felt hurt as well. I didn’t mind. He had hurt me so now I got a chance to show him what I had to deal with. “Do you have any idea what I went through for those moody nine months? Do you have a clue? All the teasing and name calling I went through while you just stood there with your buddy’s laughing about it!”
He stared at me with sorrow in his eyes and said, “I’m sorry. I just wanted to show you what I really wanted, and now I have it. I have a child that I will love for the rest of my life. I have a girl who I hope will forgive me. You wanted it too, but I just made the move quicker than you were ready. I hate myself for that. I know that pain you went through because I got teased for it too. My friends weren’t congratulating me or laughing about it; they were going around spreading rumors about you and me.” He stopped for a moment to catch his breath. Then, he continued, “I can’t control what you want for him, but I trust that you will make the best decision for him. I just hope that you can forgive me. You don’t have to let me see him a lot; I just want to hold him one time and I want you to know that I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me.”
With that he was out the door; I didn’t know what to say. Could I forgive him for raping me? Do I just forget what he said and press charges? Do I never talk to him again and take his child away from him? I didn’t know what I was going to do. I just knew one thing at that moment: I needed someone’s help and place to stay.
Two days later, I walked out of that hospital with an eight ounce nine pound baby in my arms. His blue eyes looked up at me, reminding me of his father. I had been thinking a lot about what Ryan had said and I still was unsure what to do. I was not just thinking for myself now. I had to decide what was best for my baby boy. I believe now I had made my decision the moment the words left Ryan’s lips. I knew what I must do, for our child. I didn’t want to do this, but I needed him.
I quickly dialed his number on my old, slow and crappy cell phone and he picked up on the first ring. “Ryan?” I said.
“Yes, Katie, what is it? Is the baby ok?”
“Yes the baby is fine, but I need to ask you a favor.”
“Anything.” He said.
“Can you come pick us up please? I need your help.”