The yellow gymnasium surrounding me was probably the same color as the pee I was currently holding in, trying to stifle my anxiety, but failing miserably. Everything boiled down to this.

     The coach, Mark Kress, was at the center of our little huddle, and I was on the outside, as usual. Or, he would be the coach soon. The coach of the A team in our travel basketball league.

     Attempting to calm my nerves once again, I glanced at the competition. They were Stefan and A.J, the two jokesters on the team. I was about Stefan’s height, though he had an afro, which made him look about one foot taller. He was brutal in basketball, all shoving and pushing, although none of it was illegal. He was the best big man to be under the hoop – he’d be getting on the team no matter what.

     I glanced over at him briefly, meeting my blue-ish eyes to his dark brown. Then he turned his head back to the coach, a clear dismissal.

     Arrogant jerk.

     Shaking my head slightly, I focused my attention on A.J instead. He was about half a head shorter than me, about 4’9 with pale skin, blonde hair, and blue eyes. Shawn was there too, but he was probably the worst out of all of us. He was a really nice guy and everything, it’s just that, he wasn’t that good at basketball. So if Shawn was out and Stefan was in, then it all came down to one choice: me, or A.J?

     I looked back into the striking blue eyes of the soon to be coach of the A team, with his slightly graying black hair and tanned skin. He was the athletic director up at the high school, miles away from fourth grade.

     He was basically giving each of us a participation award, only without the sheet of paper. I pretended to listen, even though I really wasn’t. I wouldn’t need a participation award. I’d be on the A team soon, and A.J, well, he’d be on the B team.

     A.J joked around. He goofed off when he should have been practicing, and he didn’t take any of the drills seriously. He cared about his social life more than anything else, but me? I worked harder than all the big men that were supposed to be under the hoop. I listened to the coaches and got the most coachable award multiple times over. And I’d beaten A.J today! There was no logical reason to not pick me. At least, none that I could see.

      The coach dismissed us and turned to talk to two other adults, who I’m guessing would be the coaches of the B and C teams; the leftovers. I watched them converse for a few moments.

     The rest of the group dispersed and headed to the bulldog paw in the center of the gymnasium, and I hastily followed. The tan bleachers were behind us, forming a giant wall in the background as we all sat down on the paw. Basketball hoops framed where he stood as he approached us. We looked expectantly at the coach; we all knew what was coming next.

     A.J looked over at Stefan and smiled. I wanted to wipe that smile off his face so much. I was getting in on the A team, not A.J. Both of our heads snapped up to the coach as he called out names.

     “Alex,” he called. That one was obvious. Alex was easily the best player on our team.

     “Shaun,” came his voice again. Shawn and Shaun looked at each other, not sure who was going up. “You.” The coach pointed at Shaun.

      The other Shawn sat down, disheartened at not being immediately picked. I felt bad for him, but I was too far away to do anything without getting yelled at. He really was one of the worse players.

     More names were rattled off, and I counted eight people now belonging to the A team. Not a single one of them was a big guy under the hoop. That made this the moment of truth. Four players, two spots left. I was going to get one of them, I was sure of it.

     “Stefan.”

     Stefan was on, no surprise there. Only one spot remaining now.

     I was waiting. Coach just…stood there. Time seemed to slow down, for whatever reason. There was no doubt. I’d totally make the team, right? Right?!

     Coach opened his mouth, leaving me hanging on to his every word.

     “A.J.”

     That wasn’t his voice, was it? No, it couldn’t be. I was supposed to make the team, not A.J.

     I looked over at the rest of the team. A.J was smiling, like the other kids who made it. Holy crap it was real. I didn’t make it. I wasn’t good enough.

    Slowly I rose to my feet like the other twenty or so kids were doing, legs trembling beneath me. I grabbed my bag, done for today, and probably for a long time. The B and C teams would be chosen in the coming days, but I was already done. I’d played in their league before; it was too easy for me. I wanted a challenge, something that would push me hard and make me better. Teams B and C couldn’t offer that.

     I mean, at least I had academics. If I wasn’t competing in travel basketball, then I could devote even more time to learning and stuff. Be the smartest fourth grader out there, better than both Stefan and A.J definitely. The idea didn’t make me feel much better.

     I choked back a sob as my mom’s car came rolling to a stop by the building’s main entrance. I climbed into the back seat, placing my bag down beside me, and sniffled. My mother glanced at me through the rearview mirror, eyes concerned.

     I shook my head, doing my best to halt the flow of tears. Guys don’t cry, I told myself. They just get better.

     No matter what I told myself, the tears came crashing down, and my mother asked me what happened, as gently as she could, of course. And so I told her every single thing that happened. The full story with all its ups and downs. By the end I couldn’t see her expression very well, but I was sure she wasn’t too happy.

     It’s my fault, I thought guiltily. I should’ve done better. I need to do better.

     But then my mother parked the car, we both got out, and she hugged me. Everything got better after she hugged me. And after we separated, I did my best to muster as much pride as I had and march back into the house, determined to do better. To be better.

     Eventually, I was.