Dear Anna,


I don’t get why we have to say ‘dear’ and all because if I am writing to you, I must like you, and you must be dear to me, but you know what Mrs. Anderson says about being all nice and correct. The thing is, I don’t like being nice and correct because nice words are just hiding what you want to say. I don’t want to hide what I have to say.

Yesterday I was thinking about my sister, you know. When I called you Kate. You’re like her, a little. It wasn’t that I forgot who you were, I promise. But I closed my eyes and heard your voice and it was almost the same thing. That’s why I hugged you. My eyes were open, but I still couldn’t tell.

Why do people keep their eyes open when they hug and closed when they kiss?

I see all the time in movies with hugs the woman looks over the shoulder and makes a face and the man does the same, and it is like no one really likes each other anymore. But then in the movies when they kiss their eyes are always closed, but I think that that is more for the feeling of it even though, also, it might be because who wants to see someone’s face up that close, no matter how much they kiss them.

But what if our eyes didn’t see? What if they just played films from our brain into our eyelids and we see what was already decided for us to see, but the sensations we feel from what we are seeing are not really due to what we think is happening? What if you see more with your eyes closed than open, because then you’re not seeing what He wants you to see? And who is He, and why does He get to choose?

I saw my sister kiss a boy once, when she thought I was gone or not looking. Her eyes were closed. Three months later, she was crying and he was crying and they hugged and I could tell that neither of their faces were happy.

I don’t see him anymore because he doesn’t come and visit but neither does she, so I guess it makes sense. Lots of things make sense, but don’t, like how when I heard you, you were her, but she is gone now and she won’t come back so you just couldn’t be. I guess it’s the hoping.

So I’m sorry that I confused you and everything and I promise I won’t hug you again unless you want me to, in which case we need to sort out who’s putting their arms up and who’s putting their arms down because that was a messy hug and messy is not okay.

From,
Oscar