It's freezing; I feel the breeze sent chills and Goosebumps up my spine my hand were shacking I do not know why it never happen to me ever before. I had done it already I couldn't take back F***!!! I screamed loudly in my car. All it took was five minutes to do it surely karma does come back to haunt you. Five minutes were I was sitting on top of the tree slightly behind him a couple of feet away. In those five minutes a take a life away, tore dreams apart, left kids fatherless. I never would have known if his family was waiting for him to eat dinner. I was handling death between my hands I felt the fire burning and the adrenalin running thru my veins as I pulled the trigger and let it go as I seen the body drop breathlessly down on the drive way I got down the tree and ran in my car. I felt the guilt inside of me the feeling that I never felt since I worked as a hit man. Guilt and consciousness was many of the feeling I had lost years ago when I was being trained in camp when I was being torched and killing.

Kill or be killed was my mind state the innocence of a kid was lost forever since I killed my first person. All the training it took to become one the best death dealer in the world a hit man in other words. It come down to this when does death take you by surprise until those five minutes are up for me because maybe one of my own can take my life. I cannot trust anybody these days because money has these people blind that why I got into this game. The game of organized crime I would see it every single day when I was younger since I was eight years of age. The only choice was coming to America as hit man because they would pay for my trip but I would have to work for them the only easy way. I was from a small town in Mexico I need to come to the U.S and make money. I was getting tired of this, after 10 I had lost count I had lived the life of full of misery but full of luxury but yet I didn't have peace and I lived running all the time away from the law I didn't have a place to call home. Sleep was reduced I had lost peace of mind. Having the mind state of consciousness of what if? What if they kill? Before I get to them, What if I die in my sleep?

Coming from a person who is a death dealer and I'm scared of dying really? I thought to myself, sitting in dark maple oak colored leather reclining chair. The place I could feel safe and not scared of being chased was my secret hide out just south of the Mexico and U.S border. Working so long for the cartel de Santa and making the kind of money and I didn't live in peace. After all the hit I would make I would fly out to the desert to the shack were my pad would lay in under 45 feet deep under the desert the only place I had peace of mind, no tracing could be found no signal of any intruder. I felt safe here because I was alone to think and just zone out from reality. Knowing how many people were gone at the end of my gun barrel and having no soul in other words I had the mentality of a monster. Yet again I had innocence thought I would remember of being a kid and seeing my family happy.

Today I was just so lost and not finding myself I couldn't become a regular person all of the sudden I would take time and even if I had all the money in the world It didn't buy the peace I needed, I had houses in the different parts of the world but I didn't have a real place I could call home. Was this really all worth it if I wasn't happy I rather be the poorest and have peace, happiness, and be a good person, living a honest live not running every single day living the fast life and dying young. I would battle this every day in my head I couldn't be happy. The biggest optical was telling my boss and everybody else who would hire me because this game wasn't a joke it was a life and death situation. I was having my final thoughts it was a struggle to tell the truth. The feeling is hard to explain having the thought of really starting over in life basically because killing for money is all I knew since the age of sixteen and know I am a twenty-five year old man regretting all the things I had done with my life. The misery, drugs, alcohol and killing these people for money and having everything a man could have ever ask for in life the luxury for what? , To regret it all at the end. What has this life brought me too? The choice was always mine but I feel lost with no help at this point I'm really double thinking here how I can get a regular job, support a family, live a life as every regular civilian lives each day I would go insane most likely. I didn't know death dealer would have conscious or maybe is the only word my mom had told in those last five minute laying in her death bed I felt the death angel hugging over her sick body has she told me "I'll watch you from heaven and will be your guarding angel son" maybe it was those five minutes the change my life. It hurt you the most when your love ones are taken from than when you take somebody else life away. When my mother had passed away last month it's when everything started changing for me. The whole hate I had towards her and my father leaving us and she not being there really being there for me, but to tell the is that when I saw her laying there my heart soften up and I truly felt her love she had toward me and even though what happen she was still my mother and those last five minutes I talked to her I felt loved for the first time by my mother and it was those five minutes which maybe had changed the way I seen life and how precious it was because today we are here and maybe tomorrow we are not we fade to dirt and get blown away by the cold wind and get forgotten it depends on you what you want your life to be its your life.

One year has passed by I decided to leave my job as a death dealer and now I'm in SOI camp I just graduated as a United States Marine two weeks ago. Reminiscence in the notebook I was a year ago with a different mind state and having a clean slate with no guilt. I'm using my skills but to protect America and I take it with honor and pride. I decided to change my life at the age of twenty-five so many years of my life wasted, but hey now I get to deal with guns but in a good legal way and I'm doing it for a good cause.