One of the worst feelings in the world is not knowing how to make someone else’s pain and suffering go away. Not being able to magically snap your fingers and hope all the troubles could just vanish. One of my nearest and dearest friend, how I wish I could just help you. You were once just an ordinary teenager whose toughest hardship was managing to get to school on time. Who once believed that the hardest decision you would have to make was whether to go to prom with that attractive blonde in English or the older brunette you met at that party last weekend. Who once ran across the field scoring goals with your friends and stayed up all night racing your car in the highway. Nothing seemed wrong or off about you, at least that’s what you wanted us to think. You couldn’t fool me. You’re smile showed fright and loneliness. You’re eyes showed pain and desperation. I didn’t need to be close to you to know, I could just tell you were hiding something much larger than even you can handle. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice? Those fun car rides home, when we would just enjoy the music and I would randomly hear you say something. But I would never ask what, I knew. When I would speak to you and never get a reply, instead I would catch you staring at a point without blinking, I knew. Remember that day you couldn’t stop laughing, and I asked you “What’s so funny?” you told me “Look at what that guy over there is doing” and you pointed across the street, but I didn’t see anything, I knew. I couldn’t pretend anymore with you. Things weren’t okay, you weren’t okay. I told you that you should see a doctor and I knew at that moment I put our friendship on the line. That you could deny everything and tell me we couldn’t be friends anymore, but you didn’t. You told me everything. You told me about the scary noises that kept you up all night, the shadows following you and the voices in your head that told you “it’s time.” Your mouth finally said the things I saw in your eyes. You told me how scared you were. You told me how you felt different from the rest of your friends. You asked me if I thought you were crazy. I didn’t, but you didn’t believe me. Then you asked me the hardest question I ever had to answer: Will I be okay? I don’t know. I don’t know how to help or take your pain away. I wish I could, but I can’t. I don’t know when that voice in your head will finally push you to the edge. And then one day, I messed up. We were just joking around as always, and I said “You’re crazy.” I didn’t mean it like that, I tried to take it back, but you looked at me like I was some kind of monster. Right at that moment I saw the same scared, messed up teenager and this time nothing I could say or do can make up for it. I lost you, this time for good. Now when I see you, it kills me inside. I see you laughing and joking outside with your group of friends and I can’t help but see right through it. I see you pretending to be someone you’re not. We lock eyes, and I feel your pain and loneliness, I hear your cry for help but you just blink and look away like I’m just another stranger. You are waiting for it to take over, and I’m still waiting for a text from you that I will never again receive.