“What do you mean I have to go?” I was staring at my brother in the school office. He looked stressed out. I just got called down and found him standing here, telling me to get my things.

“It’s a family emergency,” he said softly, probably trying not to break the quiet ambiance in the room.

My heart dropped. “What? Who?”

He shook his head as tears formed in his soft blue eyes. “Just go get your stuff. We have to hurry.”

“Who?” I begged.

Alex choked out a strained whisper, “Dad.”

That’s when tears stung my eyes for the first time that day and I rushed out of the office to get my things from health class. Alex followed me and stopped right outside the door of my class to give me a hug. Was that for his comfort or mine? It didn’t matter. “Is he going to be okay?”

He released me. “Just go get your stuff, Alli. I’ll tell you in the car.”

Everyone’s eyes were on me when I opened the door to the classroom. Yeah. I was crying a little bit, but I had a good excuse. They could judge me all they wanted. I looked over at my teacher who had stopped his lecture. “I have to go.” Mr. Reed just nodded. My boyfriend, Jonah, grabbed my hand as I was about to pull my bag off my seat. His eyes said it all. “Was I okay?” I just shook my head. He winced, visibly distraught by the fact that I wasn’t, and squeezed my hand before letting go.

I pulled back out into the hallway and let Alex grab my hand and lead me out to his car. He opened the door for me and went around to the driver’s side. He didn’t turn the car on right away. Alex clutched my hand again and we looked into each other's faces.

We had always been close when we were little. Alex was born two years before I was; now he’s eighteen. After graduating high school last spring, he started going to community college so he could still live at home and be close to us. He has a part time job to pay for the tuition. Unlike most older siblings, he never went through a period of time where he forgot about his little sister and tried to ignore her. He always made time for me and never made fun of me. I’d be lost without him.

“Daddy had a heart attack,” he whispered into the silence. “They told Mom to call in the whole family.”

I swallowed and turned away as he pulled his hand out of mine to turn on the car, only to bring it back as he peeled off in the direction of the hospital. For some reason that didn’t make me cry harder. Somehow hearing that made everything seem less real than it was before.

We parked in the parking garage by the emergency room entrance. When we walked in the door, Alex put his arm around me, and we stood in the line by the reception desk. “We’re here to see Joseph Randolph. They told us to come. We’re his kids.”

The woman scanned the papers in front of her. “Have a seat. Someone will be out to get you shortly.”

We sank into the hard, plastic chairs and waited. Alex tightened his grip around my shoulders as I took in the scene around me. The air tasted bitter, like cough syrup and smelled of disinfectant, medicine, and old people. The sound of crying children carried through the corridors to my ears and seemed to echo there and get louder. All the colors surrounding me were bland. Tan. Muddy pink. Puke green.

There were only three different expressions being worn by the people in the room. There were the blank, hollow expressions like the ones Alex and I were wearing, of the people who didn’t know how to react. Some people were visibly in pain, like the little boy with the swollen wrist. Then there were the lucky ones; the people who looked totally relieved. They were the ones I envied. They knew that their loved ones would be okay.

Our dad’s brother, Uncle Rick, came in with his wife and son, Carter, who was only a year and a half old. He was just learning how to toddle around and talk. He waddled over to where I was sitting and looked up. “Up Awwi! Up!”

I lifted him into my lap and hugged him close. Uncle Rick sat next to me and gave me a one-armed hug. “Hey Alls. Hey Alex. Any news?”

Alex absent mindedly bunched up the short sleeve on my shirt in his hand as he responded. “We’re waiting for someone to take us back to see him.”

Uncle Rick nodded and no one said anything. Carter was the only one not affected by the somber mood. His plastic, yellow airplane flew and crashed in front of me as he made little noises with his mouth. If only I could be that young again. If only I could be so naive to the disturbing reality of the world around me.

My mom came through the doors from the back then and looked around before rushing towards us. I passed off Carter and Mom collapsed on Alex and I before we could stand up. “I love you two so much!” she exclaimed. “Don’t ever forget that.”
“How’s Dad?” Alex asked.
Mom pulled back and looked at each of our faces. “He just came out of surgery. They moved him to the ICU. They’re still not quite sure he’ll make it. He wants to see you two.”
Alex gave her a look. “What do you mean they’re not sure?”
Mom sighed. “He’s had coronary heart disease for years. It’s been weakening the
muscles in his heart for awhile. They don’t know if it’ll hold up. They want to try and find him a
heart donor.”
“What if they don’t find one? Do they need one fast?”
We all knew Alex was asking stupid questions at that point. It was a matter of life or death. They wouldn’t be worried if he would make it if he didn’t need it fast.
Mom just shook her head. Obviously, she didn’t want to talk about it.
“Come on. We can only have three people back there at a time.”


Her eyes were red, like she’d been crying more than the rest of us were. A nurse opened the door for us and Mom led us back through the maze of sick patients to Dad. There was a chair beside his bed, which is probably where my mom had been sitting. Alex sat down and pulled me lightly onto his lap. Dad looked like he was sleeping. There were tubes coming out of him from all directions, like some sort of tangled mess, and he seemed more pale than he had been when I saw him that morning, like all the color drained from his body since then. It looked as though he’d already lost weight; as if a substantial burden had been lifted from his back. I’d never seen my father look so vulnerable.

He was the strong one. The guy with the big muscles who fought away the monsters under my bed. All my life he’d been a role model to me. He was the one who usually played with me and took care of me after school when I was young. The one who would’ve given his life for me. I was a daddy’s girl and just seeing him like this brought the tears back to my eyes.
My mom stood behind the chair Alex and me were in and held a hand to each of our shoulders. I reached out and took my dad’s hand, while Alex rested his hand on top of mine.

“Alex. Alli,” Dad croaked softly without opening his eyes. “I love you guys. I’m so proud of you two. You’re both beautiful and amazing kids. Please don’t give up because of this.”

A look of total confusion crossed my face. “What do you mean Daddy?” I asked. Alex’s grip around me grew tighter to the point that he was nearly crushing my lungs.

“Sweetie,” he whispered. “I’m not going to make it.” He turned his head towards us and finally opened his eyes. “You’ve got to stay strong, princess. Prince Alex will take care of the castle. The queen will pull you guys through, but only if you stick together.”

My tears turned to sobs. He was talking like I was a kid and still obsessed with playing princesses. Daddy was the king, Mommy was the queen, and Alex and I were the prince and princess. “Daddy, you can’t go!” I sobbed.

Mom was knelt down, sobbing into Alex’s back, but Alex was gone. He spaced out, deep in thought, and the only thing that kept me from worrying about him was the death grip he held on my waist. “One day you’ll understand,” Dad said, looking me right in the eyes. “You know when it’s time to go. This is right. I love you and I’ll be watching over you. Don’t ever forget that.”

I nodded and choked out the only words I could manage. “I love you, too, Daddy.”

Alex slid his hand off of mine and directly onto Dad’s wrist. “Dad,” he choked.

“It’ll be okay Squeaks,” Dad reassured him. “Take care of them. You’ll be fine.”

“I love you, Dad,” Alex said through his tears.

Dad just smiled and used what appeared to be the last of his strength to bring his other hand over on top of Alex’s. None of us said anything. A few minutes later he squeezed both my hand and Alex’s and then all of his muscles relaxed. The monitors erupted in noise and I knew that was it. He was gone. It was over.

I couldn’t find the tears to cry any harder, but my mom cried enough for everyone my dad had ever met. I squeezed his hand one last time and stood up to walk away. Alex stood up too and paused by the side of the bed before shaking his head and walking over to where I was by the door. Mom all but threw herself on Dad in grief. Her sobs grew louder as doctors showed up to silence the machines.

Alex went back and almost had to pick her up and drag her back out to the waiting room. Uncle Rick met us halfway through the door, but Alex didn’t even give him the chance to ask anything. “He’s gone!” Alex exclaimed almost angrily as Uncle Rick got close. Alex had stopped crying, but he was furious now. Carter came back to me and I scooped him up before he could ask what was happening and walked outside to get some fresh air.

Carter didn’t say anything. He just forced his little, plastic airplane into my hand and refused to take it back. He gave me his favorite airplane to make me feel better because he could tell I was sad. I cracked a smile for the first time since that morning and kissed him on the forehead. “Thank you, Carter,” I said.

He beamed at me. “You’re welcome!”

My phone rang in my pocket. It was after five o’clock, and Jonah had just left baseball practice. “Hey,” he said when I picked up. “Why’d you leave early? You didn’t answer my texts. Are you okay?”

I told him the whole story, recapping everything that happened since Alex picked me up. When I finished he was quiet for awhile. “Where are you?”

I told him I was still at the hospital and he said that he’d be there in a few minutes. He was making his brother drop him off.

I held onto Carter until he got there. When he jumped out of the truck, he sat down next to me and wrapped his arms around me. “It’s going to get better you know,” he said in my ear.

“How would you know?”

Carter crawled out of my arms and stood up on the bench next to me, and hugged me from the side Jonah wasn’t on. Jonah and I both smiled for a second, but our expressions fell quickly. “My mom died of a stroke when I was in seventh grade. It hurts, but you learn to live with it. Life moves on after awhile. Don’t worry. I’ll be here with you the whole time.”

Jonah was only my first boyfriend. We hadn’t been together for long, so I never would have guessed that he could relate. I had no idea that he didn’t have a mom. I couldn’t really find words to respond. “Your friends and family will help you through it,” Jonah promised me, and planted a kiss on my cheek.

Carter copied him and planted a sloppy toddler kiss on my other cheek. “It get better Awwi. We wuv you!”

I couldn’t help myself anymore. I laughed. I was so thankful they were there with me. “I love you too,” I said right to Carter and turned to Jonah. “Thank you.” Jonah just smiled.

We found out a couple days later that my dad didn’t just die of a heart attack. He died of a massive heart attack. His heart basically exploded. It was a result of all the heart problems he accumulated over the years. He’d asked the doctors not to tell us about them. He didn’t want us to worry.
I’m being spared from the harsh details. After all, in their eyes I am just a kid. I don’t need to be burdened with all of that right now. What matters now is finding a way to accept all of this.

The best part about it was that Jonah wasn’t lying. It was hard, but each day after the funeral got a little easier. Alex managed to put on a brave face a lot faster than I did and spent more time with me. That helped. Jonah was there with me every step of the way, too. I don’t really understand how I did it, because in that moment at the hospital it didn’t seem like returning to real life was possible, but I did. I survived.