She was the type of person who, with platinum blonde hair, opal eyes, and the perfect body, attracted all the men. Her first date was in 7th grade with a boy named Howard who knocked on her door at precisely 5:02 to escort her to the movies. He was wearing a thick yellow scarf around his neck in an attempt to be sophisticated, and she would have rather choked him with that scarf than be seen with him in public. But her parents were watching, so she took his hand and squeezed it ever so slightly to signify she was ready to get it over with.

She was the type of person who bought platform shoes so she would be tall enough to model fur coats. At an increased 5 inches, she was hired (of course) and went to work modeling fur coats. She wore nothing under those coats, however, per order of her employer. She had no issue with this until she noticed her employer drooling (literally) as her curvaceously tempting body shimmied out of one coat into the next, at which point she put her clothes on, said “I quit,” and waltzed out the door (keeping the platform shoes on, though, because being tall was nice).

She was the type of person who was not constricted by enforced limits. This is especially exhibited by the grace with which she pulled out a cigarette from her mauve purse, lit it, and sucked down the thick smoke, fighting the urge to cough (because coughing is for the weak and for those who do not utilize the easy means of gaining popularity).

She was the type of person who was too curious to limit herself to just one beau at a time. As a high school sophomore, she was now dating Roger, a high school senior, as well as Donald, a man in his second year of dental school at NYU. She preferred Donald because he was older, and she always felt more alive with older men. But when he told her he had dropped out of dental school, and would she please marry him, and he would get a job and support her and their future children, she said no and dumped him (and dumped Roger too, so she could start over).

She was the type of person who got perfect grades and wanted to become a doctor, but this was a time when most women were housewives, so she became a teacher instead. But it was okay because she met her dearest friend there and became one of the best teachers in her district. So she started to wonder if there was such a thing as fate.

She was the type of person who always got what she wanted. There was a man named Michael who saw her on the street one day and ran up to her and said simply “Will you go to dinner with me tonight?” and she replied calmly “Only if you take me dancing at the Waldorf.” He believed in love at first sight, so he took her dancing.

She was the type of person who needed to always be beautiful. So on her wedding day, she put on her white satin dress created by a professional fashion designer specifically for her and pinned an opal peacock in her hair to match her eyes. Then she walked down the aisle to meet Michael and when he kissed her, it was the last time she felt gorgeous.

She was the type of person who died prematurely. She was hit by a car, but it’s okay because the car was a ferrari, so at least she died in style. She was rushed to the hospital, but it was too late.

She was the type of person whose gravestone read “Simple words could never be enough to describe her.”