Part One
My whole life I have lived in Santa Cruz, California, surfing, hiking, shopping and absorbing the sunlight while it’s here. But there are always the times when I want to see the world, go to Paris, shop in the city. I’m part of a big family, so I’m used to the loose rules and hanging out at the beach with my siblings. I have a sister and three brothers, plus my parents and our new puppy, Becky. When I go to the beach, it’s a different trip every time. There are new people, I’m a friendly person, and I get to meet other people who may or may not be like me. Surfing in Santa Cruz is great, I’ve won surf competitions and I have paddle boarded too. My sister prefers to swim, but my brothers, my boyfriend and I all prefer to surf. We always go out on the weekends, and since we’re all home schooled, it leaves extra time in our day. I’m really close with all my siblings, but the other day, a terrible accident occurred…
“Carter! Wake up!! It’s saturday, finally, I have been waiting for this day when we all go surfing with Mom, Dad, Jake, Max, Luke and Carson!” I called to my sister.
“Geez, Jess, it’s so early, and we aren’t going surfing until 12:00.” she replied sounding like she’s about to cry.
“Okay, first of all, it’s 11:40 and it’s not early.” I grab my bathing suit and my shorts and scramble into the bathroom to get ready. Once I’m dressed, I find Carter ready before me.
“I was just kiddin’ you, I woke up at 7:00 and got dressed before you woke up.” We walk to the kitchen and grab a granola bar, a ready made smoothie and the lunches we made the night before. “I’ll get the boys, you wake up mom and dad, k?” I ask and we walk in our separate directions. Once everyone is up, and ready, we drive to Carson’s, my beloved boyfriend who also comes over to do school with us, house and then head to the beach. We all grabbed our boards out off the van and race to the beach. The ocean looks perfect and the waves look great.
“You all know that I don’t prefer to surf, but the waves never look this great.” Carter mentioned. But I’m almost completely sure that no one heard her since we’re all now sprinting into the water, me in the lead. I jump on my board, Carson pushing me from behind, and paddling out to sea. There’s a wave coming and when I turn around, Jake, Carson and mom are paddling fast from behind me. I catch the wave withholding the lead, but Jake catches up. I catch the wave, under the tube and enjoying the freedom, then when the wave ends, I end it and jump. When I land I see Jake underwater and see everyone behind me swimming towards us.
Part Two
I quickly unhook my ankle brace and swim towards him. Once I reach him, I pull him up and his eyes closed, realizing my eyes are wet, not just of salty sea water, but from tears of seeing my brother. I’ve never seen anything like this, most surfing trips end well. I do my best not to panic first and just do whatever I can to help. I admit I am scared, but I hold it in and pull him towards me. My dad and my brother Max put him on my dad’s longboard and push him back to the shore. I grab his surf board that’s floating only a few feet away. I swim with Carson back to the shore. As soon as we pull up, I throw our boards on the sand, and run to my dad whos giving Jake CPR.
“Carter! Call 911!” The beach is empty, except for an old man sitting on the other end of the beach.  My sister ran to the car to call, when my head started to go fuzzy, but I held on, all I could think about is; how did this happen, when, why, will he be okay? About 10 minutes later, an ambulance shows up and they come and get him in the vehicle. My mom and dad go in the ambulance and so Carter follows them, driving all of us. When we arrive at the hospital, my parents run in with Jake while Carson comforts me. About 20 minutes later, my parents come out and bring us to the waiting room. It’s a long while, but after about 3 hours of waiting, the doctor comes in with the worst news I’ve heard in my 14 years.
“Your son suffered brain damage, air cut off and internal bleeding. I’m sorry, but when you brought you son into the Emergency Room, he was already gone, I’m sorry for your loss, would you like to see your son?” by that time, everyone is bawling their eyes out, but my mom nods.
“Would any of you like to come?” Max and luke got up without hesitation, Carter got up shortly after, so I did after her and Carson added, “You guys go say goodbye, as family. I’ll wait here.” I nod and follow the nurse. Tears still in my eyes and bearing through the pain of not being able to sit and cry in a corner. When we reach the hospital room, Jake is lying on the bed, pale and bruised. My parents run over to him, and the rest of us walk in slowly. I walk towards him and grab his hand, cold as ice. Carter moves his hair to reveal a bruise on his forehead.
“Mr. and Mrs. Baxy?” a doctor asks, “May I talk to you in the hallway?” My parents follow him outside while the rest of us sit with Jake. From the bed, I hear the doctor say, “When the ambulance brought him in, the only way of him to live would be on life support, and I’ve seen a lot of families go through this and seeing someone they care about go through that, involves a lot of pain, since Jake didn’t have a large chance in protection issues and how you deal with it all. I have had to make many decisions like this and families who have had someone on the edge of loss, they chose to let go and not wait and plead for the chance he or she will wake up.”
About a week later, our parents sit us down, holding papers.
“Today we got Jake’s autopsy results. From what it says, it seems that Jake got hit on the head, maybe the wind knocked out of him and drowned, they said he might have hit his surfboard and that could have caused some eternal bleeding.  Your brother’s funeral is tomorrow and all of you need to come, and on tuesday, instead of school, Jessica has decided to come over and we will be going through Jake’s things.” Jamie was Jake’s best friend.
“You mean we’re going to get rid of all his things?!” Carter practically screams. I understand why she’s mad, Jake was her twin brother and they had a special bond growing up, they were just about ready to leave for college in the fall. She doesn’t wait for an answer and she runs off to our room slamming the door behind her. My mom follows her and my dad continues with what he was planning on saying.
“Look, at Jake’s funeral, we want all of you, plus Jamie and Carson to give short speeches. I hope that’s okay with all of you, he was your brother.” he doesn’t wait for an answer, only walks out of the family room. After sitting in silence for about 10 minutes, we all go our separate ways. I grab my laptop and phone then head out to the front porch, the place I used to sit with Jake and we’d just spend time thinking. Since I’m supposed to write a eulogy for Jake, I get started on in knowing I’ll end up bawling my eyes out.
Part Three
“Hello everyone, I’m Jake’s younger sister, the baby of the family. Jake was an intelligent, funny, creative, athletic, quirky boy. Jake was such a great brother, friend and amazing part of this community, this world. Look at me, already a mess. I’m not gonna talk about something sad, or depressing, I’m gonna talk about who he was and how he looked on life, brace yourselves.” I have to take a moment to wipe away the tears rolling down my cheeks. “There’s a bench on the front porch of our house, it’s the place that Jake and I got to share, it’s the place we would go to think or just connect. That bench is where a lot of my best memories take place, where I go to make choices. Jake and I would talk about our day, current events and making big choices. There were times when I would depend or put my judgement on him if I needed to make a big decision, and times when he needed my help. But most of all, if either of us had a lot on our mind, we’d go there to vent. There was one day that I walked out there to do some drawing since it was such a perfect day. And like I said, we both share that spot as a place to vent, so when I walked outside, I find Jake sitting there talking to himself about how our dog, Becky, was acting funny because she wouldn’t sit down for a treat. This was back when I was 6 and Jake was 11. Finding your 11 year old brother talking to himself when your 6 can be odd. But all I said to him was, ‘is Patti going to be alright?’ I didn’t care that he was chatting with himself, or what he was talking about, just that our dog might have an issue. Then he replied with “You heard me talking to myself?’ I told you this story to show that all throughout Jake’s life, he didn’t mind how weird he was and what people thought of him. Talking to him always felt comfortable, like I was free. If I told him a funny story or an event in my day, it would feel like he was protecting me. When anyone told him a story, he would answer with a comment that could make you laugh or make you rethink what you just said. No one can ever have the weird talents that he had, the confidence he owned or the personality he improved every day. He used to do this thing, and he was good at it, he would be having an average conversation with someone and start talking a million different voices and part of the time you can’t completely understand him and the other part is just all laughs. Jake was and always will be one of the most important people who have been in my life, he was one of my biggest supporters and one of my bestfriends. Thank you.” I walk away bawling and Carson catches me as I sit down on the chair next to him.
Even months after Jake’s passing, people are saying how sorry they are, and half the time it ends with a lot of tears. When people talk about Jake, it doesn’t make me feel worse, but it also doesn’t make me feel any better, talking about Jake and who he was seems like it will never feel right or appropriate. Jake will never leave my heart and soul, I’ll miss him forever, but he’ll always be with me, on that bench, helping me make decisions.
The Last Part
We still go through some of Jake’s things and sometimes I’ll sit on the front porch and think about him. Carter just left for college and there is still a week until we start school again. I miss Jake a lot and sometimes I go in his room to think about him. His bedroom hasn’t changed, it still has the blue and black sheets with the mural that my grandma painted when he and Carter were little. The mural is a drawing of two kids, Jake and Carter, sitting at the beach building the sand castles. Jake would always say, “It’s a reminder of my childhood and how good I’ve always been at building sand castles.” When the twins were born, my parents each had an office that they work from home in. Since they weren’t originally expecting twins, they just decided to put both of them in the spare bedroom. But when Max came along, they gave Carter my dad’s office and put Max with Jake. When Luke came, they put Luke and Max in my mom’s office so each of the twins had their own room. The mural has stayed up ever since it was painted, by now it’s been through so much and it looks like an old painting painted by a professional painter. Living without Jake in my life is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. But he will always be in my mind and be with me through every decision I have to make.
But the confidence and bravery and strength that Jake would have pulled out if the situation were flipped, is getting me through every single agonizing day.