It was heart-wrenching. Watching your parent cry. It made you feel so pained, so hurt. It was the unexplainable pain of a child, as they watched their mother cry because of something they asked.

When I was eight years old, I had asked my mom where my dad was, unknowing the pain that was to come. I didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to ask her that. I didn’t know she was going to cry. I didn’t know. I have that image stored in my brain now, every time I want to ask her, all I can see is that cry. All I can see are the tears that streamed down her face. All I can feel is her broken smile, as she tried to hide her pain, even while she was crying.

I had felt the pain; I had seen the cry; I knew it. I knew I shouldn’t have asked, but I did it anyway, and now she was hurting, she was in pain, all because of me. And I couldn’t do anything about it.

I should have seen the pain flash behind her joyful eyes. I should have seen it. It was all my fault; I couldn’t see that she was hurting, and now I made her cry. I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t be the good daughter that I was supposed to be.

I missed the way she used to look at me. She always had this grateful expression, showing me that she was young. But at that one moment, all her youth had disappeared. Everything that had made her beautiful was gone. And now, all I could see was the broken parent that I had. All I could see was this person, that, although I loved them, it wasn’t enough. It never was.

I was the thing that had broken her. I was something that she accidentally made. I was an accident. I was a mistake. I was something that should’ve been taken care of before I was born. I was something unneeded, unwanted, unimportant. Her disdainful look. That was what I saw.  That’s what I’ll ever see. That’s all I’ll ever be worth.

All I ever seem to be able to do is hurt people. It hurts me, to see them hurt. It always has. But now, I’m seen as someone heartless. I’m seen as a monster, as a cold hearted person.

The pain is unbearable. It hurts.

But it’s not like anyone cares.