“Your next patient is Luke Hatfield, another cocky arrogant  marine who got himself shot when he was riding on the top of his troops jeep drunk and shouting at the locals. He got shot off the jeep onto a rock and is paralyzed from the waist down, except he won’t accept the fact that he is.”

Those were the words I heard that changed my life. I of course didn’t know it at that time, but looking back on it I realise the impact Luke had on me. The summer of 2011 shortly after the death of Osama bin Laden I was tasked with providing psychiatric care to Luke Hatfield a marine on the front lines. Apparently celebrating when he heard the news of Bin Laden’s death, and that celebration sent him on me. I slowly got up looking at his notes and headed down the hall. I got to room 127 took a deep breath and stepped in. Luke was lying there just staring at the ceiling and muttering something inaudible to me.

“Hello Luke, my name Doctor Stan Smith, but you can just call me Stan.”

He just laid there acting like I hadn’t even enter the room or start a conversation with him.

“I am here to help you process what happened and introduce you back to civilian life.”

“I don’t need help I just want to be released and go home.” Luke said with a hint of hostility. “Why am I being held here I should be able to leave.”

“Luke, I know this is going to be hard to hear, but you are paralyzed from the waist down. You were shot while you were in a drunken rage and the accident rendered you paralyzed.”

“No I just can’t move them right now!” Luke croaked. I knew he was in denial of it, most people can’t accept it for a while. I knew I would have to ease this big news onto him and show him the things he can still do while paralyzed. He asked me to leave him so he could process it. I heard a faint sniff and I thought I saw him shed a tear as I left the room.

The next couple of days Luke refused food and water, after each refusal I would talk to him and attempt one last time to get him to eat. On the fourth day I asked him to tell me about his family and his face lit up a bit. He went on about his younger brother Billy and how he just started playing football at his high school and how he loved to play line even though he was the smallest kid and was constantly getting thrown around by kids who were at least two times bigger than him. He went on about how his brother was a smart kid who he envied because he made A’s and B’s. Luke dropped out of school because he got fed up with not knowing how to do something and getting bad grades despite his best efforts and extra time spent studying after school.  His connection with Billy seemed super strong and I was reminded about my relationship with my older brother. He took such an interest in me and always helped me out when I needed it. I then found a way to get him to eat again.

“I know that you don’t want to eat but think about your brother and how he would feel if he knew you were starving yourself. Don’t you think he’d be concerned?”

“Yeah I guess he would be a little worried about me.”

“And your parents too, they care a lot about you you know.”

He looked at me and then said, “I think I’ll eat now if you don’t mind.”

As he ate he told me stories about his family and how they went camping all the time and would meet up with friends from his hometown. He told me about the times they would backpack and just hang out at the lakes in the area. Billy would always hang with them and so would Luke’s friend’s little brother who was a year younger than Billy, they were almost inseparable. It was Luke's favorite memory. He then asked me if he would be able to hike possibly. After hearing his story it broke my heart to tell him maybe if he was being pushed in a wheelchair. Seeing his face after my response told me I had just ruined a good bonding time.

“I’m going to need a wheelchair?” Luke murmured like it hadn’t have crossed his mind.

“Yes...you will if you want to go out places.” A doctor came in and asked me to leave, it was time for Luke’s medicine.

As I drove home I kept thinking about Luke and his brother Billy and how my own brother and I used to be that close. Unfortunately due to distance and just me being so busy I hadn’t been able to talk to him. When I got home I decided to give my brother a call and catch up with him. He picked up and we talked for a good hour before he had to go pick up his kids. We decided that we should talk more, and I owe that to Luke. I still talk to my brother every week and we have become just as close as we were as kids.

After a couple of weeks I got Luke to let me take him out around the area for fresh air, though he wasn’t too happy to be in the wheelchair. As I pushed him around the city he told me about his life as a marine in Afghanistan and Iraq. He said he’d been deployed for three years before and he could have finished his fourth if he hadn’t been shot off that jeep.

“We were stupid to be riding around that night, we were in a firefight that afternoon. We lost many good friends and that’s why I think we rode back in there.

“I was pissed at the locals, when I got news of Osama Bin Laden's death I just wanted to rub it in. Not sure if it was really me talking or the beer though.”

He went on about when they got to the town the locals were  standing around in the town square having a meeting. They just pulled up on a jeep and shouted about Bin Laden’s death. They were exchanges of words then a gun went off. Luke said the next thing he remembered was waking up in the hospital. He said he was worried that his actions had hurt his squad. He wrote a letter to his Sergeant to see if he was the only one hurt.

“I’ll never forgive myself if they died.”

Two days later, Luke received a letter. In it, contained the words Luke didn’t want to hear.

“Two survivors including yourself. Sorry for your loss Luke.”

That letter really changed him. He began eating less and less, he didn’t want to go outside, I even heard him cry himself to sleep a couple of times. Luke blamed himself for the deaths of his squad and he, no matter how much I talked and told him that it wasn’t his fault, he still wouldn’t accept anything less than he killed his squad. I was worried for his safety so I had his brother Billy come out.

When Billy spent time with Luke, Luke acted fine. I think he didn’t want his brother to worry about him. He ate, slept, went outside, and even laughed and made jokes. It seemed to be getting better for him. But when his brother left he was even more depressed than before. I tried talking to him but he just shut me out, saying there was no way to help him. I swept the room one day while Luke was on a walk, I picked up any sharp objects that he could use to inflict self harm and removed them from the room. Luke came back in.

“Hey Stan, I know it’s been a tough month but I want to say thanks for everything, I havn’t said that yet  and I just wanted you to know that I appreciate your help.”

“Your welcome Luke. I hope you get over this obstacle.”

“Yeah I do too.”

The next day I got a call telling me to get down to the hospital right away. I rushed down there and my boss was waiting for me outside. Police cars filled the parking lot so I was worried.

“I’m so sorry to inform you that Luke killed himself this morning. He dragged himself out of his bed and crawled to the bathroom. He broke the mirror with a book and then repeatedly stabbed himself with the broken shards of glass. I am giving you leave with pay for a week. Hopefully you can not blame yourself Stan. You did everything you could to help him.”

I just went to my car and drove off. I cried and cried and cried, realising that the thank you from Luke would be the last thing I’d hear from him. I should have heard what he really meant the night before, but no, I just said your welcome. For years I felt like I was responsible for his death. I saw so much of my younger self in him, it was just so hard to know that he wouldn’t ever get to grow old. With Luke’s death I learned that I myself had to grow closer to my family that I didn’t really talk to other than my brother. I will never forget that patient Luke Hatfield because he taught me how valuable life was and helped me change for the better.