When I get home from school I put my backpack on the floor, lay in bed in the dark and my brain takes over. Thoughts from the past, present and future take over. Mistakes, regrets, hatred and broken dreams overflow in my brain like a bursting dam. I try to think of happy thoughts but the light turns dark. I try to hold on to the good but I’m gripping on till my knuckles turn white but I always slip. Falling into what seems like an abyss of nothingness. Memories are supposed to be mostly good I tell myself but mine never are. I will always find a bad thing in a good memory no matter what it is. I think about how I could’ve done or said something different to change the out come. My word are vicious to myself and others they always come out wrong. The thoughts of everyone hates me, you’ll never be loved, whats wrong with you, makes me lose all control. I scream silently to myself, tears stream down my face one after another until its a river of tears. Why can’t I just stop. Every little sound or object I look at just brings another horrible heart wrenching memory. I put my headphones in and try to turn on music but I can’t even stand it. I rather be in the silence of my thoughts. I start thinking about what it would be like if I wasn’t me, if I went a different path. It feels like hell everytime I go there. My family calls my name and tells me to come out of my room, my phone rings, I hear cars passing by but they all just sound like muffled voices in the far away distance. Before I know it, hours have passed by. My phone rings and I snap out of it. My eyes stinging from all the tears, my face red and blotchy and my pillow’s wet. I’m shaking and I hate this feeling. My sadness turns to anger. The once sad tears have now become tears of anger and hatred. I’m angry, angry that I let this happen to myself. Why can’t I just be happy like everyone else? I sit up and plod to the bathroom, splash water on my face and fake a smile. Acting fine I head out to where everyone is and dread when I’ll have to go back to bed and repeat the vicious cycle again.