Growing up without a dad, a shortish story. When I was about 5, my dad got on an airplane to go to work. Most kids dad’s in a car or on a train and they come home at 5 or 6 smiling but tired and they get a kiss on the head or a pat on the back and they tell them ‘I missed you, now tell me about your day.’ Well I went to school today dad and I didn’t learn much of anything because I thought you might be home today and when I got to the door mom said ‘maybe tomorrow’. I turned 6 in October and made my best friend dress up as a soldier cause he was a boy and he could... he looked like you. Grandma and Grandpa got divorced so we had Thanksgiving alone... and Christmas. I wanted you to come home for Christmas but instead I got a dollhouse and a bike, any other girl would have been thrilled... not me. You were gone for 11 months before we got a knock on the door, I was eating cereal but I could see a uniform and I could hear mom crying so I sprinted and hugged your legs and said ‘Daddy your home’, and then you started crying... so yeah I guess your not my dad. I’m 10 now and my dad never came home. There was a daddy daughter dance at school and momo said I could go with Grandpa. I didn't go dad. I’m 13 now and all the girls talk about how much they hate their dad. I heard they say they hate the way he always wants to talk because it’s ‘so annoying’ They hate their dad’s, but I never really knew mine. I’m 15 today Dad. I’m getting my driver’s permit. Mom never wanted to teach me how to drive anyway so I learn from Grandma and she’s crazy, like Dad she’s really crazy and I know she’s your mom and all but yeah, I;m really sorry. I’m almost 16 now Dad and I got asked on my first date and mom said have fun but I wanted you there to make me feel safe. What if he was a psychopath and she sent me out the door without a second thought? I needed you there to tell him to bring me home by 10 or he’d have missed his shot. But if he was crazy I guess you wouldn’t know. The craziest people are always best at hiding it. I’m a pretty good student Dad. I listen in class and do well on my tests and Mom is always good to me but I know it’s hard sometimes. She loved you even if you weren’t always there for her. Sometimes I hear her cry. I miss you Dad. I’m 17 now and mom invited someone new for dinner. He seems nice I guess. I know I should be happy for her but I also feel like I should be angry. She still wears her wedding ring but there’s another man holding her hand. Do you see this? Can you see us down here? He came again and again. It’s been 3 months dad and he’s still here. He stayed the night and the other night. I didn’t. I went to Haylee’s but when I drove in the morning all the windows were open and they were making pancakes and dancing in the kitchen. She looks happy but I’ve never been so angry to see her so happy and all I could think is that we just need a little more time. 12 years should have been enough and could have been enough if I hadn’t been so attached and it could have been enough if I hadn’t entertained your image as my dad so much and it could have been enough if I wasn’t so selfish! Mom’s 37 now and she never really wears makeup but lately I notice some days she’s a little bit paler and some days she’s a little bit tanner but still she is just smiling. Always smiling. How is that fair? I couldn’t sleep tonight Dad my mind was running circles around each other. I went to lay with Mom and I should be happy Dad. I should be happy but her face is bruised. I should tell her I love her and support her in everything but she has red marks that look like a hand and a black bruise on her chin and how can you be happy for that? When I woke up that morning she was putting on makeup. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than seeing someone trying to cover up “tough love” because “tough love” isn’t a thing any human is really qualified to put to practice. He knocks on the door and she sweetly says she’ll be ready in a minute and I’m pretending to be asleep so she cannot feel like she has to say anything to me and Dad teach me how to fix it! I’m 18 now and Moms said we’d celebrate by going out to dinner but when she mentioned the abuser would be there I told her I wasn’t feeling well. Truth is I feel fine, my head doesn’t hurt and my stomachs not upset, but my heart aches so I guess if that counts as an illness I’ve been sick for a while now. I miss you Dad. Mom went to dinner anyway and came back with a red cheek and puffy eyes but I could hear her kiss him goodnight and I pretended to be asleep because I feel like no confrontation is better than the truth and I know I should be helping her but overtime I’ve found it easier to just hide... I’m better at it. When she wake me up the next morning she was already ready with makeup and all and she’s not wearing her wedding ring. ‘Special dinner tonight’ she said. ‘Please look good and be happy. It will all be okay. I promise. I love you.’ I got up and showered and put makeup on. I don’t know why but I think I thought it would make Mom happy just because she did. We went out to dinner and I sat between Mom and her “tough love” and they told me they were getting married. I’m 18 now Dad and it’s been 13 years. I really don’t like him but she’s wearing his ring. So I guess I can’t call you Dad anymore.