Happily ever after you may kiss the bride. Hand holding and cuddling, pain and bruises. The “I love you’s” to “I'm sorry’s” with promises of change and feelings of disbelief. Hand holding and hugging, hand prints across my face, cover up I love you and I'm sorry. Hand holding and butterflies win staring fall in love please don't hurt me. “My name is Haylee I'm 18, both my parents died. Support group isn't make thing, but human interaction is. I like writing and a cool breeze and I'd give anything for someone to stay, and I'm sorry I'm still taking, I ramble someone else go.” “My name is Kyle I'm 18 and support groups aren't my thing but my aunts sanity is on the line. 877-8649 that's my number you should call me sometime.” Black have never to been my color but it's universal for funerals and I've never liked heels but I know my mom would want me to wear them. It was English class in May when I got called out and my head was filled with false excitement and instead of s smile and a warm hug I was pulled into the mascara ridden tearful embrace of my grandmother. Car crash, fatality number...2. October came with fallen leaves and 16th birthdays driver's licenses and big responsibility. 15 came with learner's permits and lectures about being aware. Killing someone in a crash could ruin their family or their life. You'd have taken something you can't get back. 14, high school, new friends, hit boys, homework, first kissed, failed classes, heartbreak, and disappointment. 13 started your teenage years when you start to learn what disappointment looks like on a face. And you thought of self worth is replaces with screams of self hate and scarred wrists. “I love you's” turn to “leave me alone I can do it on my own.” Just don't talk to me. And scarred and scared look so similar on the inside of your thighs and disappointment is more than just a 4 syllable word. 10 your double digits now and mom says you're so big and you got a chocolate cake for you birthday. 9 you wish on a falling star that you can be this happy forever, and for a pony because your backyard might be big enough now. When I was 8 I was a doctor for Halloween, cleaning up and saving lives, but I realized even then that sometimes you can't save every life. 5 came with my first heartbreak. When daddy told me lies about the lady in his bedroom window moaned and screamed and cried. “Do your homework close your eyes we’re working don't tell your mom we're planning her surprise.” “I'm in kindergarten now Dad and I'm smart so why do you have to lie?” The blond lady never came back again. People aren't honest and people aren't fair but we love those people anyways. Because even if it's almost nothing, hardly something, or barely anything, we cannot stop, we can't simply just stop caring. It's not how the human existence works. Sometimes it would be easier that way. When they tell you like isn't fair you roll your eyes and wait for your parents to say that if your friends jump off a cliff would you? Usually you roll your eyes again. Do you ever notice how much people complain? People complain about things that are easily taken for granted and often people complain about things they think they will never lose. Like family and parents. Like love. The entire existance of the human race is expected to be selfish and we are expecting each other to be selfless so do we believe in ourselves or so I e believe in society? We like to have equality but more than that we like to be on top. They tell us that cool right is never the answer but they tell us to fight for what we believe in. How do conform in a non-conformal society? We can't. We don't. We should, we could but the raider is this way and in the ends what more can we do? Old habits, ne feeling. Desiring acceptance and depression. Both my pwr bye at d we end I'm scared.  I mor screaming and yelling and slamming doors and every slamming door was a screaming I lover hidden an echoing I hate you and red eyes and black cheeks. Now I don't cry in my room, I usually cry to Cathy because Cathy is a therapist and Cathy is my therapist and I'm 12 and crying because I don't want to die and I don't want my family to die and I'm not ready for death and I told her I'm scared of the monsters and she says they're inside my head. I asked how I get rid of them because I don't want them to live in there anymore because when I try and 4 times 2 all they say is my memories are dead and she said people can be monsters too and I asked are you and she said I don't know. So I stopped going to Cathy because monsters are scary and mom is angry and now I'm 18 and I get it. Monsters aren't monsters when you love them and now I'm 18 and I need help. I'm falling apart, failing to exist in anything more than the human existence and that is not what I am here to do. I am here to do something extraordinary. I am here to do more than just exist! I am capable of achieving recognition in some way shape or form... Because life, life is more than barely something, hardly anything, practically nothing. I am 19 today and I go back to Cathy. “Listen to me now. I am a monster, so love me and you won't see me, Now I am ready to do more than just exist.