I was in 3rd grade when I first met him I was a quiet and shy girl who wasn’t very sure on her feet or in her own skin. He was loud and confident with every breath he took in, or that’s what he made everyone think. We went to church together and I didn’t like him at first, the loud and obnoxious kid weighing only 85 pounds annoyed the heck out of me. I remember once hitting him in the face with my sticky plate after he put syrup in my hair.

But as we got older he got a little cuter and less obnoxious, he became more clever and observant. In 6th grade I moved to his school and he was a whole new person, he was funny and made me giggle. But I wasn’t the only girl noticing the new side of him… All the girls were all over him and he stopped hanging out with me, I wasn’t cute enough , I was too chubby, too nerdy. But then I got sick, I was suddenly the skinny girl that everyone wanted to be, but I hated it. My shoulders and elbows jutted out like knives and I felt with any twist of my arm the bone would break through my thin skin. Somehow in 7th grade I convinced myself that I didn’t like him, that I hated him. And I acted so. He sat behind me in band and would always steal my clarinet case and whisper “ninja” in my ear and I would completely ignore him and if he did it enough I would demand he give me back my case and he would, to the snickers of everyone in the band room.

That summer we went to Falls Creek and I was so excited. I packed a whole week before and as soon as woke up I was off, we loaded the buses and had the most fun on the drive down. When we got there he knew to stay away, I was glad at first. Then it didn’t feel s good anymore, but I ignored it and just tried to have fun.

On the bus ride back Sean was on my bus and me being the smart person I am I put my razor in my backpack, without the guard on it. I reached in my bad and cut the tip knuckle of my pointer finger. I asked the driver for a band aid and I had to lean right over Sean’s seat, he sat up from him “nap” and grabbed my hand. A drop of blood landed on his cargo shorts but he seemed unconcerned.

“What did you do?” He asked, he sounded almost concerned.

“Cut myself on something, I’m fine.” I said all of it in the rudest tone because he was making me nervous touching my hand so softly. One of the counselors got a band aid and we were about to leave when one of them came up to Sean’s seat.

“Sorry honey! You gotta move, front 2 seats are the counselor’s. I promise you’ll see he was soon as we get back.” She said motioning to me. I blushed and he looked hurt as he gathered his stuff and moved to the back, his hand brushing past mine.

  In 8th grade I couldn’t tell myself I didn’t like him anymore, I did, ALOT. But he was back to ignoring my existence. We had 3rd hour together too and he would crack history jokes all the time and I would laugh from my back corner of the room, hiding behind my hands. Sometimes I thought he liked me back, like the first time I wore my necklace he was eyeing my neck like he wanted to eat my necklace off as I rubbed it with my finger. I didn’t wear that necklace or any necklace after that. The one day we were playing history trivia and Sean was the smartest boy and I, the girl. I was shaking as I stood by the table housing the bell. He punched the bell like it was his enemy and I let out a little squeak and back away as everyone laughed.  I was very reluctant to put my hand back up.

“Look! Now she’s scared you’re gonna hit her!” My teacher said teasingly.

“She’d have to be on the bottom for me to hit it.” He said with a smirk, his eyes not leaving mine. My tan face lit up red like a stoplight. Everyone laughed and I made sure I was never chosen to play trivia again.  A couple weeks later he came to school completely normal, maybe I little more quiet, then the next day he came but he was wearing the same clothes but they were wrinkled and looked slept in and his hair was all tousled and he looked exhausted. No one even seemed to notice. But I caught his eyes and furrowed my eyebrows when he gave me that blankest stare before he shook himself out of it and glared at me. I flinched and kept my head down the rest of the time. He was gone the next 3 days, then on Sunday. But he showed up the next Monday like nothing had happened, but I could see the lack of light in his eyes, I of course didn’t comment. I knew him more than I realized, I knew he was the kind of person whom holds everything in till they blow up inside, till they cant take it anymore, I do the same thing.

Then the school year was over and I decided to move to Jenks. But went to one day of Pre-Band at Sand Springs and when I stopped going to Sand Springs I went to pre-band for Jenks. He asked me one Sunday and I broke the news, his face fell but he caught it quickly and muttered a “cool” and didn’t talk to me the next 3 Sundays. One day he said a loud and weird “hi” but that’s it. I haven’t seen him since, almost 4 months now.

I miss him, not that we were really friends or anything at all. But I miss it.