Nervous- very very dreadfully nervous I was and am! I remember being here before. It was a symbolic place to me, of sorts. Five years in and this place has not changed even in the slightest bit. Same old trees,same old lands, same old voices. The crashing of water onto the rocks sounded eerily foreboding, perhaps an indication of my impending screams of death .

For Heaven's Sake! What has gotten into me!

 I am not an irrational being, so why am I doing this? Why am I considering this, even though I have an immense fear of heights? I try hard to desperately move my feet away from the cliff. Walk away, I say confidently in my head but my feet, having a mind of their own, refuse to budge. All this while, HIS voice still beats in my head, mocking my very being. But I knew in my heart that I had to experience this. I HAD to feel what he said, because no one else would. Words that he had so passionately professed to me. But five years later they were still words I could do nothing but dwell on whilst I succumbed to my fears. 

“If you jump tonight, you’ll feel something you have never felt before. Your heart races when you look over the edge, at the giant waves and jaggy rocks. There’s a thrill unlike any other when you take that leap. Then there's that fear of everything going wrong. But then you crash into the water and know that everything is okay!” those obnoxious, yet ardent words has made home in my trembling body. 

Five years ago. Those words  were said to me exactly five years ago. At the same time and location. A location that will forever be the diamond of all my jewels of memory. He should not have left me after shaking my entire world. HE SHOULD NOT HAVE! Yet like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, a melodic voice crooned to me,”But he did not mean to leave you like that.” How could it possibly be his fault when those ignorant kids decided to surpass the laws and drunk driving.

He was a firm believer of ‘stepping out of the comfort zone’. Which was practically why he had brought me here in the first place. It was our third year  being together and he had taken me to the one place that he found infinite joy in. The one adventure that managed to help him find freedom and eternal happiness. He tried coaxing me into doing this with him once, I had seen him do this a million times. Seen him take his ‘leap of fate’. Heard his screams. The excruciatingly loud sound that caused goose-bumps on both my arms. . Each time he jumped, I would rush to look down to ensure that he was alright. Each time he would look up and smile at me, water cascading down his toned abdomen. His hair stuck onto his forehead as he slightly tipped his head back, hands clutching his waist tightly. His laugh booming out into the soundless night. Probably laughing at my overly concerned face. Or maybe from his free-fall, from the drop of doom, a drop that surprisingly brought light onto his face. His smile brightening up the starless, dark night. Brightening up my entire existence. 

GOD I MISSED HIM !!

He wanted me to make this jump with him that day. He wanted me to feel my adrenaline pumping, blood gushing into my body. The heavy breaths right in front of the edge. And finally, The Jump. The part where I would finally be free from my cage.

BUT!  Alas, I could not do it. 

That day he made that jump without me. Slightly annoyed, but he knew about my fears enough to not push me into doing it too much. That day was the same as any other time he had jumped. He smiled up at me,laughed,and shook - his water covered hair like a dog. It was the same as all the other jumps that he had made, yet somehow different. How was I to know that it would be the last jump that he made? The last time he would look up and smile at me. The last time he would feel his eternal freedom. If I would have known I would have most definitely tried harder to push my fears aside. But i did not. And he had to jump alone. Again.

Unfortunate. I despised that word. What mockery had been made of it. “Oh! What an UNFORTUNATE accident it was.” I was sick of that word. 

However, it was not unfortunate that I was here right now. At this place, at this time. I knew I had to do it. I had disappointed him too much already. I wanted, no NEEDED, to make him proud. To leave my comfort-zone. I looked down again. The turquoise waves crashing against one another. Bumping into the rocks beneath. I was so high up. Well actually, it was barely anything. I was at the smallest cliff.My heart was beating wildly against my chest. My hands turned clampy as I took off my dress and stood in my swimsuit. I was going to do it. I had to feel those words that he had said. I had to feel something, anything. I had gone too numb for too long. With that I took a few steps back and leaned my body forward.

One breath in. One breath out. 

I will be okay. 

With that… I took MY leap of fate.