“Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” 

The words repeated in my mind. Over and over again. Perhaps mamma was right about that. Ya never know what you truly have until it’s gone, and my how my happiness is gone. 

The memories flooded through my brain and poured down my eyes. Bobby and I were just sixteen years old when we decided we wanted a life together on our own. We were sick of this small-minded, gut-wrenching town that was no place for big dreams. I’ve been singing since I was just a little girl and was determined to make it big one day. I just knew I was destined for big venues; not the small town, local bar gigs I got just ‘cause the owners pitied me. Bobby told me we’d move to California so I could be a star, and that we did. At sixteen, we both picked up any jobs we could find to make a little cash. And with that cash, we’d save it for our future home. Little did we know what lay ahead. 

Bobby worked on a small, family owned farm for the next three years, in order to save up for California. He would always come to my house, sweaty and dirty from the long, hard hours he worked. His long, curly, brown hair would be in knots and tangled from beginning to end. His poor hands would be cracked and cut, and his stomach would be growling from a mile away. Momma and I always made sure to have him a good, home-cooked meal when he got here. He would sit and eat with us, then head on to take a shower. Poor Bobby, I’d always have to comb his hair for him. He may have loved his long locks but he sure didn’t know how to take care of ‘em. I’d always tease him and tell him how his hair would be horrid if it weren’t for me. Oh, what I would do to have one of those days back.

Throughout the week I sang at bars and restaurants around town. On weekends, I would go to surrounding cities to sing a song or two at a pub. These gigs sure as hell didn’t pay much, but singin’ was the only thing I knew how to do, and my momma was gracious enough to support my dreams and drive me around wherever, and for that I’m forever thankful. 

At school, Bobby and I were known as ‘outcasts’ or ‘loners’. No one really knew us, nor did they care to know us. I bet not one teacher at that horrid school even remembered our names. All they could remember about me is how I sang and how they used to make fun of me for doing what I loved. Now suddenly, I become famous, everyone acts like we were friends. 

“Linda! Oh, Linda! Don’t you remember me from high school?”

Yeah, you bet I do. I remember you terrorizing me in class. I remember you telling me I’d never make it. But now you want my autograph? I’d be damned if I gave my autograph to some trailer trash who would end up sellin’ it for a few bucks. 

Oh, but the best is my dead-beat daddy. He was never there. Never came home. Only once in a blue moon. He would show up drunk, and high out his mind, yelling and screaming at momma for wasting money on me singing. But once I moved and started making it big, he found my number and called it off the hook, beggin for a little cash. Needless to say, I never called him back. 

After three long, hard years of saving up our money, Bobby and I finally got to move to California. October 12th, 1972 was the day me and Bobby McGee’s life changed forever. 

The first few months in California were rough. I missed my momma. Bobby’s momma missed him. We were all alone. No family. No nothing. All we had was a little apartment and some spare change. Bobby struggled to find a job, and I struggled to find a bar or a restaurant to perform. Finally, in March of 1973, I got a local bar routine. I sang at “Milly’s Bar and Pub” every Thursday and Friday night at 10 o’clock, and would go around town singing wherever else I could find throughout the week. Bobby got a job as a mechanic at car shop an hour away from our home together, so our time with each other decreased drastically. 

One afternoon in April, Bobby had the day off and we got to go to the beach together, which was the first time we did so since moving west. We had the time of our lives there. We had never seen the ocean before nor had we ever step foot on the sand. I remember how magical it was just like it was yesterday. Later that evening, Bobby took me by surprise and proposed to me right on the beach. Of course I said yes! I jumped in his arms and cried like never before.

“Aren’t you happy, Linda?” Bobby asked. 

“Why would you ask that”, I replied.  “This is all I’ve ever wanted.”

“Because you’re cryin’ Linda. I’ve never seen you cry like this.” 

We both laughed as we kissed and embraced each other.

I thought Bobby was the man for me. In my eyes, he could do no wrong, he was perfect. He was beautiful, smart, and sweet. What else could a woman ask for? Everything he done, he done for me. He saved up his money for my dream. He used his money to buy an engagement ring for me. Everything was about me. And how did I repay him? 

June 5th, 1973. The day that changed everything. The day I signed to Impact Records. The day I thought was the second best day of my life. Now that I look back, it very well could be the second worst. 

Just a month earlier, I met Edward Walsh at “Milly’s Bar and Pub” just before I performed. I first noticed him from a  few feet away. He was devilishly handsome, with a grim smirk on his face. He was ‘bout six foot four, I’d reckon, with long brown hair that curled just like Bobby’s. Oh how I wish how that made me snap out of it, but there I was mesmerized by this stranger’s looks. We exchanged glances until it was time to hit the stage. I was wearing my favorite patterned mini dress with orange floral print, with white knee high boots. I wore my hair straight and sleek, just how Bobby liked it. I was half-way hoping he would get off work early to watch me sing, but like always, he didn’t make it. I walked up to the stage and sang like never before. Looking at the crowd for a face I’d never see. 

After my gig finished, the stranger hurried to introduce himself.  

“I’m Edward. Edward Walsh,” the man said.

“And I’m Linda” I replied, shaking his hand.

“Your energy, your voice, your passion, it’s truly,” he paused, searching for the right words to say. “It’s fascinating,” he continued, “I’ve never seen anything like you before. Where are you from?” 

“Kentucky. I just moved here about eight months ago.” 

Our conversation carried on for about an hour or so; he bought me a drink, or two… or three. Everything I said, he seemed to take much interest in. He never got bored of me and I never got bored of him. My eyes finally glanced at the clock on the wall when I realized that it was almost midnight. 

“I must get going. It’s too late for a lady to be out,” I slurred. 

He looked at me, smirking, then replied, “Well if that’s so, then it must be too late for a lady to be walking home alone, let me drive you.” 

I don’t know if it was the drinks that got to me, or his looks which mesmerized me, but I hopped in his car and allowed him to drive me to mine and Bobby’s apartment. Somehow, the whole night, Bobby never got mentioned in any of our conversation, for heaven’s sake I was wearing my engagement ring right on my finger, but not once did he cross my mind when I was with Edward. When I finally arrived home, Edward got out the car and opened the passenger door for me.

“Now tell that lucky man of yours that I couldn’t just let a lady walk alone. Be safe Linda. I hope to be seeing you around.”

Hell. He knew. He saw.  But I didn’t know this man. I knew Bobby, and Bobby is all that mattered, right? 

A few weeks passed before I saw Edward again, and to be honest, he didn’t cross my mind but once or twice. The night he dropped me off, Bobby was already asleep in bed and never questioned me as to why I was out so late. Our lives continued as normal as if I had never met Edward in the first place, that was until he crossed my path, yet again. The next time I saw him was at the same pub, but this time, he was with a few men, and another woman. Oh. I tried to play it cool, I mean, I didn’t even really know that man and I had someone, so why did it matter who he was with? I went on stage performed as normal, and there he was, waiting for me. 

“Linda, you’re breathtaking!” Edward exclaimed.

“Absolutely wonderful,” the woman beside him ushered in, “I’ve never heard a voice like yours!”

I blushed. 

“This is Susan Fern. She is the manager for Impact Records. She wants you to stop by the studio sometime, and maybe sign yourself a record deal.”

I gasped. I could hardly believe my ears. A record deal? Was this really real?

Edward grabbed me by the hand and took me to a booth to sit with him and Susan. They discussed the talent I possessed and articulated the record deal they so desperately wanted me to sign. I agreed that I would go in the next day to go over contracts and record a sample for them. 

When I got home, Bobby jumped out of our bed when I told him the news and repeated over and over how proud he was of me. He hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead as if he were a proud parent. I guess that was a thing about Bobby, he was always supportive of anything I did and became overjoyed with each accomplishment I earned. I just wish that I would have been the same way. 

The next day, I arrived at Impact Records, shaky and nervous, but as soon as I stepped into the building, Edward was there, waiting for me. As soon as I looked into his gorgeous brown eyes and he took my hand to lead me into Susan’s office, my nerves immediately calmed. They had me sing a sample of one of my songs and they fell in love. I never felt so welcomed or accepted before. Shortly after, I signed my first contract. 

I started recording my first album the next week, and Susan started booking me to play in bigger venues than just Milly’s. Edward became  my music producer, which I thought was incredible, but turns out, it was a huge mistake. 

Everyday for the next four months, I was with Edward, from two hours a day, to twelve. I began to see him more than my own fiancé. 

Bobby worked out of the county for ten hours a day and hardly ever had the day off. When I was home, I was all alone, and my loneliness settled in. When Bobby arrived, he would be exhausted, and head straight to bed. It seemed that I was living with a stranger; ever since he proposed, I hardly saw him, which means we hardly spoke. He was either sleeping or working, he had no time for me. But someone else did…

Everyday, Edward was there. He comforted me. He listened to my troubles and tried to fix them. He’d take me to different shops around town, different restaurants, anything he could do to make me smile. Sometimes, we would stay at the studio listening to old records, and dance around together. He made me feel complete. After spending so much time together, it was inevitable that we developed feelings for each other. Deep feelings. 

My music career took off almost instantly. My album was a huge success in the U.S. and England, so with that I started touring. Which meant, even less time with Bobby. Even though Edward was only my music producer, he insisted he must go on tour with me. I toured the U.S. for about three months and feelings between us only grew stronger. Edward and I were in love. But how could I be in love with a man I’ve known for just nine months while I had a fiancé I’ve known all my life and have been with for years? 

The thing was, Edward was different. He made me feel different. He was charming and bold. With him, I was free. He gave me everything I ever wanted and more. He was always there with me, every single part of the day. In the morning, at night. We were never apart. We did everything together. 

When I toured New York, I had the day off in New York City itself. It was magnificent. Edward told me he had something special planned, and that he did. We went out to a fancy dinner, unlike anything I ever been to in Kentucky, and he bought me a special dress for the occasion. It was sparkling red, with a deep v cut neckline. It reached my mid thigh, making it a little daring, but quite charming. I curled my long brown hair, and applied mauve blush to the apples of my cheeks, red lipstick onto my lips, and just a little mascara to my eyelashes. When Edward saw me, his jaw hit the floor. 

“You are breathtaking Linda May,” Edward said in a whisper. It seems as if I had blown him away. But Edward himself looked even better than I expected. He wore a beige suit with red details to match my dress. We looked as if we were going to be stepping foot on the red carpet.

 Edward took my hand and then drove us to an upscale restaurant in the eastern part of the city. There, Edward and I had a grand time and a delicious dinner. After it was over, we checked back to our hotel, changed our clothes, and explored the rest of the city together. It was very cold out, and we did the most cliche thing a tourist could do in NYC, and that was ice skate. I kept falling with each step I took, but Edward seemed to be a natural. After laughing at me, he took his warm hand and intertwined it with mine to help me glide with him on the ice. For forty minutes we skated around, enjoying each other’s company, when suddenly he spun me around and kissed me. For this hadn’t been the first time we had kissed, but we never done so publicly. However, I didn’t stop him. Things escalated as things do and suddenly we were back in our hotel, and he followed me to my room. I should have known better. I should have never let things happen as they did but I was too caught up. 

The next day, I woke up with Edward beside me in bed. I quickly got dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. Not long after, Edward came down too. Instead of saying good morning, he said five words I wish I never heard come from his mouth. 

“I’m in love with you.”

My heart sank. My vision blurred. Was he serious? I felt sick. Not because he confessed his feelings, but because I felt exactly as he did, because I always did. I never admitted it to myself until the words came from his mouth. We went upstairs and talked, and talked. I was crying, he was crying. He was begging me to leave Bobby. To be with him. To be his wife. I begged him to give me some time to sort my feelings. I loved Edward more than I could fathom. I knew it was wrong and I wanted not to love him, but I could no longer lie to myself. But I loved Bobby. Bobby was the only person, besides my momma, that was there for me throughout my life. He comforted me in pain and sorrow, but didn’t realize how he was bringing it to me by always being gone. Bobby sacrificed his life in Kentucky to help make my dream come true and moved to California for me. Why? Why must I feel like this? 

I performed my concert that night to thousands of fans who traveled all over to see me, all while my life was a complete wreck. Edward gave me the space I wanted and left on a plane the next morning to California, while my next stop was Florida. Bobby and I agreed before I left on tour that it would be okay if he missed the eastern part of the U.S. tour as long as if he met me in the West when it was time for me to begin shows there, so with that, the only way I got to “be” with him was to call him. I called Bobby as soon as I made it to Florida and immediately burst into tears after our conversation was over because he had to leave for work. 

The next few weeks, I was all alone. I had friends and company to hang out with, but they didn’t satisfy me. Edward called me to see if he could fly in for a show, but I turned him down. I just knew if I saw him again, the exact thing as last time would happen again. So to cope with my loneliness and despair, I turned to drugs and alcohol. After all, I was a rockstar, so I had to live like one. My manager began to be concerned for me, but I only ignored her. Another week had pasted when Edward called me again, just to let me know he was flying to see me, and he had something to show me. When he met me, he had a copy of a local newspaper in California. The newspaper had a picture of Edward and I kissing in New York while we were ice skating. My heart hit the ground and I began to choke on my words. For what was I supposed to tell my dear Bobby? But Bobby already knew. He called me just a few hours later, and my world came crashing down. He said he had suspected the affair all along and he wished us a happy life together. 

I cancelled my show that night and cried desperately in my hotel room. Edward came in, trying to comfort me but it only made things worse. I knew Edward wanted to be together, so for him, Bobby ending our engagement was good, but for me, it was hell. How could I be so selfish? To be in love with a man, while I had a fiancé at home and then to be so upset at my fiancé when he finds out? How could I be so selfish to want both men in my life? Not long after, did I hear radio stations start talking about the affair. There was no denying it now and there was no escaping it. I thought signing the record deal was the best thing to happen to me besides my engagement, but turns out it was worse. For if I had never signed, I would have never fallen in love with Edward. Oh, Edward. Curse you! Curse your gorgeous brown eyes and beautiful long hair! Curse your romantic ways and your comfort! But curse me for being so selfish. 

I couldn’t live with this guilt. I couldn’t show my face to the world again. I just knew how disappointed my momma was in me. How could I ever have face that? My heart was shattered. I wish I could have been a daughter for her. I loved Bobby. But oh how I loved Edward. But I didn’t deserve to love anyone. I hurt both men miserably. I betrayed Bobby and lead Edward on more than I should. I wish Bobby and I could start over, or go back in time, move somewhere different, and I wish Edward would have fallen in love with someone different. Someone far better than me. I felt as if I no longer deserved to be alive. So that night, I took the rest of the alcohol I had and drank it all until I could drink no more. I took all the pills from my suitcase and swallowed them dry. I then passed out, and drifted to sleep. 

The next day Edward came knocking on my hotel door, but I didn’t answer. He felt something was wrong and kicked the door in, only to discover my cold, lifeless body on the floor. He pulled my body tight against his chest, and cried hysterically. He knew I was dead but he didn’t want to believe it. He tried to give me CPR because he refused to believe I was gone, but it was too late. Far too late. The ambulance arrived twenty minutes after Edward found me and took me off. They flew my body to California and had a huge funeral for me a few days later. Bobby was there, in shock. My poor momma was sobbing and in denial, and Edward was there, by himself, crying as he did when he found me.