To Him,

This is hard. Really hard. I’ve never written one of these about someone that I’m involved with. Most of these letters are observations of people who will never love me. But you do. And I’m sorry you’ll never see this, but if I ever mustered the courage to let you read this, I must be dead or crazy because I don’t let anyone even know this exists. Maybe I let you in here because I trust you more than the others, maybe I’m psychotic, maybe you even hacked into my email and are looking at this because you got too consumed by the fact that there are things you don’t know about me, that you’ll never know about me. I guess that’s what I should talk about first.

The things you don’t know, or will ever know.

You ask me why. Why I cheated. Why I was unfaithful to a boy who changed his way of life for me. A boy who did nothing but care for me as much as his fifteen-year-old heart could care for someone. 

I think it’s because I never loved you in the first place.

I know. That’s harsh. I shouldn’t have just put it out there like that with no forewarning, but the truth has to be said. I think I did at first, but as time started slowing down and I began to get to know the core of your being, I fell quickly out of it. At this point, you had grown too attached to the idea of us together forever, and I couldn’t break your heart like that. The only way that our relationship was going to end was with you being hurt. Either by me breaking it off or by you finding out something you hated about me. I had already tried the whole “breaking up’ thing, and it didn’t work. It didn’t work because I couldn’t stand the fact that you were hurting, and I was a weakness to my escape. So now the only option was for you to hate me, and we all know how that went down. Or is going down, considering you hate me now. And I know that I was the first one to fall, that I was the one who broke your heart so many times that all you could do was pick up the pieces, sharpen them, and then stab me in the back. But I hope we both walk away from this with different lessons: yours being about loving too much, and mine about not loving at all. Now I will miss you, but I know that this is the best for both of us. I hope you know I care about you, and I want you to grow and live the best life you can.