Unwilling to beat anymore, my heart went cold. As bleak as a midwinter’s day, my heart was frozen. No blood flow, no consistent beats, no warmth. It became a useless part of me, with no purpose but to remind me of what went wrong. There was an empty pit in my chest which used to be the source of my energy. It wasn’t that long ago that it did beat, produce life, and allow me to love. At this moment, all it did was allow me to get hurt. Broken, from the inside out. And it was all his fault. 

He stared at me blankly, not knowing what to say next. My chest was frozen, and my mouth remained shut. He stared off into the distance hoping this moment would soon come to an end. I continued to stare him down, my eyes holding back tears. I slowly swallowed the lump in my throat, and said one simple word. “Why?” He squirmed in his position as he became more uncomfortable than he was before. “I’ve changed.” He said as if it were to mean nothing at all. He’s changed? Changed so much that he can’t love me anymore?

Coming out of a trance, I looked down at my hands. They were in fists, clenched tightly. I gritted my teeth as I could feel a vein becoming pronounced in my forehead. I wasn’t hurt anymore, I was angry. Angry at him for saying something so stupid, trying to cover up the real reason as to why he couldn’t love me anymore. The truth is, he didn’t truly know what it felt like to be loved until he met me. His dad bailed when he was little and his mom has been in pieces since. He was an only child, yet he did everything he could to support his family. He had managed to turn his life around for the better, yet he would continue to say his life wasn’t complete until he met me. If I became such a big part of his life, how could he give up now?

He was becoming uncomfortable, I could tell as his eyes traveled around the room looking anywhere but at me. He stood in silence and twiddled his thumbs, wishing this moment could end. Did he know that I too was hoping it would be over soon? In complete agony, I began to walk away from the conversation, from the only person I’ve ever loved, from anything I’ve ever wanted from him. It was all over. This was the beginning of a life without him, something I was not ready for one bit.