Contemplating how to spend my evening, the cool breeze brushes through my hair as I sit on the front porch. Elbows set on my thighs, my hands propped up my head. I decide to close my eyes and paint a picture in my mind, one that I’ve seen before. One that I visit often. The brush guides me back many months ago. Back to the day I met the boy who allowed my innocent, fragile and untouched heart to be exposed to love for the first time. 

The day that I met him, I learned so much. I knew his name and I knew something was wrong, yet I really didn’t know anything about him or his story. From the start, we created a quite comfortable connection between us that fostered a trust that I never expected to have. 

He spoke to me like he could tell me anything, like no other boy I knew. His troubles flowed out of him like a river, unlike anything I had ever seen before. No boy ever let me into their life. Now I was sitting there reading his struggles through a screen. His face in the picture, blurry from his old phone, face blotchy with tears. This experience was only temporary. Very soon, he slammed the doors that were the opening to his feelings shut: it was hard for him to let me in. 

I don’t think he ever understood how deeply I loved him. Even when I clearly showed him, I just don’t think his brain could process what was going on. How could one ignorant, devilish human being screw up someone’s mind like that? How could they ruin their view of love? I always thought the reason was deeper for him, but I could never get him to open up too much. He had this barrier that I couldn’t overcome or pass when I searched for answers. All I knew was what she hurt him and if I ever see her I will beat the living shit out of-- wow calm yourself down now geez. But, she broke his heart, forgetting everything they had together. Just to be with someone else. 

I never understood cheating. The concept didn’t sound appealing or exciting. I hated cheating in school, too. Everyone seemed to peek their heads over privacy folders on spanish quizzes and math assessments like it was nothing. Nothing?!? To me it was absolutely, life threateningly dangerous and whenever I gave in to it a pit expanded in my stomach so wide I could’ve fallen in. 

I knew it wasn’t his fault but he was so deeply devastated that he seemed to have forced himself to believe it was. I barely knew him, too, he could have come across as a stranger to anyone else. I met him through my friend who spoke only good things about him. From the day that I first met him, I could see his personality shine through the darkness that swarmed his mind and heart. I could see the smile that was painted on his face to please himself and others, only for it to wash away when he was alone. I saw myself in that. I understood. 

That was the very beginning of us. Today I try to force myself to remember. It feels like forever ago. The snug yet protective embrace of his arms that would engulf my whole body. My inexperience of all things boys was most evident in the way that I viewed a hug. When I knew it was coming I would freeze and my heart rate soared. As his arms wrapped around my waist I relaxed. Every bit of tension in my body released and my heartbeat dropped right back to normal speed. Resting my cheek on his shoulder, and letting my arms hold tight to his body I couldn’t help but smile. His familiar scent always calmed me down everytime I breathed in slowly. 

The sweet and contagious smile that would take over his expression when he burst into laughter made my face lighten up. His smile was uniquely his and no one else’s compared. His laughter could be identified from far away. My most dreadful days could magically become better with the sound of his laugh and the smile plastered on his face. When I saw him do this I couldn’t ever help but look into his eyes. The most beautiful, dark blue ocean captivated me. Everytime I stared into them it felt like the world stopped.  

The squeaky change in his voice when he said he loved me made my heart skip a beat. The butterflies in my belly did cartwheels, handstands and backflips. His voice became lighter and more excited when we spoke. The sound of his voice made me feel secure. Whether I heard him over the phone or when he was by my side; or when his voice got deep or like a baby it got high, it was a familiar soothing sound that made me feel safe.

To feel, to see and to hear these things one more time is all I could ever ask for. My friends always say, 

“Don’t ever let a boy control your happiness.”

Good advice, I suppose. But what do you do when someone makes you feel complete? When someone blesses your life in a way you’ve never experienced before? How about when they make your world feel like heaven on Earth. I thought of him as my happy. Now I just feel like my happy went missing. 

Now it’s all so different. Have you ever heard of space? You know leaving room between stuff. Well, we have space now. We can’t hug. Can you believe that? Hugging apparently requires people to be very close. We can’t say “I love you” anymore. Even though, guess what? I still love him.

For once, I was so close. I didn’t want what every other teenage girl wants in the whole entire world.  It sounds so cliche but I’m not like other girls. I hide what little stuff I got under baggy, oversized hand me down sweatshirts. I don’t let everything show wearing my way too tight tube top and super, and I mean super short shorts, have you seen what these girls wear sometimes. I wasn’t in the mood to make out in the back of his car like every girl talks about. I didn’t want to do things that you know... adults do. I just wanted to be around him all the time. I wanted to explore and try new things together. But no. Space. 

He said he wanted to come back. That anything could happen, but his plan was to come back. I understood he was still hurting. I understood he couldn’t put me as a priority when he was still trying to make himself one. But I could tell he was going to be gone for a while. 

“I’ll never hurt you.”

Yeah right. 

“I won’t leave you, baby.”

Look at you now. 

“Forever.”

Isn’t going to happen.

We promised forever to each other. How could someone who was literally cheated on, torn to pieces, and lied to, break all these promises with a loving and loyal girl? Does he even realize that the trust he lost for people has now been lost for me too because of him? Words don’t even have the same meaning and depth anymore because of him. 

I was so ready to be with him, to grow with him, to share my time with him. I never expected him to leave like that. As the days went on and we continued “space,” he grew farther and farther away from me. He was falling out of love. He was moving on. Everything that I feared was happening. 

After months and months of being ignored and ghosted, we slowly started to get closer and closer, even more than before. Yet it wasn’t the same. We were best friends. That was it. No more than just really good friends. 

Before, I never saw him pulsing with anger, distress or annoyance (besides the time his paper wouldn’t print in the library). As his friend, I could agitate him. I could push the wrong buttons so easily that it would ignite an anger in him that frightened me more than anything. The slightest start to bringing up the past infuriated him and it was somehow my fault. I had this longing to just shoot out a fountain of rage on why I didn’t want to let everything go, but I knew it would hurt us more than anything else. 

Even though it was different for us, it was the same for me. I still looked into his eyes with a deep admiration. I still listened to his voice, captivated by every word that came out of his mouth. I still held on to every feeling that I had for him. 

I don’t break my promises. 

My “forever” was going to hold true.