I’ve known Callan since second grade. I still remember the day I first met him. I was crying in a corner of the playground at recess because a kid had made fun of my light-up sketchers. At that time, I was very shy and didn’t have many friends. Callan happened to notice me as he walked by, and stopped to sit down next to me.

“Why are you crying?”

“The other kids don’t like my shoes,” seven-year-old me sniffled and buried my head in my arms.

“Well, I think they’re cool!” Callan replied.

“Really?” I looked up, wiping the tears from my eyes.

“Yeah!” Callan smiled.

We have been fast friends ever since.

Throughout the years, he has been there for me, showing me the same compassion and support he did on the playground. He knew I loved to sing, and so when I was hesitant to sign up for a solo in middle school choir, he assured me that I was a great singer and that he would be there supporting me in the front row. He was also the first to console me in the hallway after I ran away from stage fright. He was there, holding me as I cried when my dad passed away. Atthat time, all I wanted to do was hide from the world, but he showed me how to find the light again by encouraging me to pursue the things I loved, and by reminding me how proud my dad would be of me.

As seniors in high school, we were closer than ever. Still, there was just one thing missing, an idea that had been slowly eating its way into my brain for years. I wanted to be more than friends.

I had been trying to tell him this for months, but the opportunity never seemed to be right. I became overwhelmed with the old feeling of shyness and started to doubt myself: what if he doesn’t feel the same, or what if he’s just been hiding the fact that he secretly has a girlfriend? (I will admit that one is a bit farfetched, but the mind can entertain wild thoughts when under such internal duress.)

Paralyzed by these thoughts, I kept my feelings inside. That is, until Callan’s eighteenth birthday. With the end of high school approaching fast, and with it, adulthood, I figured there was no better time to confess my love. I stepped out of my car in the school parking lot, practically shaking from nervous excitement. As I walked through the doors, I saw him in the hallway a little way in front of me.

“Callan!” I shouted while waving just a bit too frantically. He turned and grinned when he spotted me, making his way towards me. “Happy birthday!” I gave him a big hug.

“Thanks Ally!”

We stepped out of the embrace and began talking about birthday plans, homework, andgraduation. All the while, my heart rate accelerated. The bell rang, and the crowded hallways began to thin as students filed to their first classes. Though we were sure to be marked as tardy, neither I nor Callan attempted any movement from our spots; it was as if we were frozen in time, while the world moved around us. At this point, the hallway was empty. This is the moment, play it cool, I thought to myself. My heart raced faster, feeling as if it were about to pound out of my chest. The conversation lulled; I tried to keep my voice steady.

“Hey, listen, I have something I’ve been wanting to tell you.” I ran my fingers through my hair and ducked my eyes to my feet before darting them back up to meet his.

“I have something to tell you too!” At this, a certain ecstasy entered his face. Was he…blushing?

“You go first,” I insisted, desperately buying more time to compose myself.

“You know that new girl Jenna in our history class?”

“Yeah, what about her?” I did know Jenna. She and her family had moved here from Pittsburgh at the start of the school year. I didn’t have much interaction with her; she was one of those pretty girls who sat quietly in the back of class, but from what I could tell she seemed nice.

A devious grin broke out on Callan’s face. “I asked her out this morning and she said yes!”

My heart sunk like a rock to the bottom of my chest. “I…uh, I didn’t know you two were friends,” I sputtered.

“Yeah, I reached out to her about a month ago, you know, just trying to be nice. We’ve been meeting up to study in the library since then, and I think I really like her.” Now he was definitely blushing.

“Well, that’s great! I’m super happy for you.” The words felt heavier than lead coming out of my mouth, though not as heavy as the corners of my lips as I forced a smile. “I’ll catch you later. I have to head to class now.” I didn’t wait for a response. Turning on my heels, it took everything in me to keep from bolting down the hallway and out the doors to find a dark place to curl up in. Instead, I choked back tears as I walked into Calculus.

That day passed by like a dream, and a bad one at that. Jenna sat with me and Callan at lunch, and I tried to hide my emotions by feigning general polite interest in her. At each question, “what do you like to do for fun?” and, “how many siblings do you have?” my bitterness towards her grew. I couldn’t help but notice the way Callan beamed, looking at her as if she hung the moon. The worst part was that I could see why. She was perfectly sweet, with a light-up-the-room smile and witty sense of humor. I almost felt bad for hating her.

Each school day from then on was the same, with me watching from the sidelines as she stole Callan away from me. Every conversation we had either included Jenna or was about how great she was. He and I used to hang out every day after school, doing our homework together, grabbing food, or just goofing off around town. After Jenna came along though, I was hit every day with a, “Sorry, but I’m hanging out with Jenna today.” Of course, he always offered that I could come along, but I couldn’t stand the feeling of third-wheeling my best friend and crush.

Daggers of jealousy began to burrow their way into my skin. What had she done to earn his attention? I had been his best friend since second grade, and he had known her for only a month! I knew his favorite color, animal, and place to eat. I was the one who spent hours helping him study for finals each year. I knew his plans and dreams for the future and his biggest fears. I was the one who had celebrated with him on the good days and stood by him through all the bad ones, not Jenna. Who was she to think she could just come in and take him?

These thoughts simmered under the surface for a month, as I watched the two get closer and closer. By the time winter break rolled around, I couldn’t take it anymore. Not only did it make me sick to see them becoming more serious, but with Christmas coming up I couldn’t bear the thought of them baking cookies together and wearing matching Christmas PJs, when all I wanted for Christmas was him (in the words of Mariah Carey).

I caught Jenna walking out to her car one day after school. Callan had to stay late for a student council meeting, so I was alone with her.

“Hey Jenna, I think we need to talk.”

“Yeah, sure what’s up?” she replied with a smile.

“I think you need to break up with Callan.”

“What?” The smile faded from her face as a note of joking disbelief entered her voice.

“Yeah, you know, with graduation coming up fast, it probably won’t work out in the end anyway. Callan wants to go off to college somewhere in California, which is just so far away, and he told me he’s planning on breaking up with you before he leaves, so as your friend, I’m just trying to save you some heartbreak later down the line.” I put on the most sympathetic and genuine voice I could manage.

“Did he really say that?” Jenna was crying now, with the chilly air contributing to her sniffling. Suddenly I felt guilty for lying to her when she seemed to care so genuinely for Callan, so I just pursed my lips and nodded slowly, lowering my gaze to the asphalt.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” she muttered under her breath, “Listen, Ally, thanks for letting me know, I’m going home now to think this through.” She climbed into her car and drove off.

I drove home in silence that day, foregoing my usual blasting of Taylor Swift to give me time to think. The initial internal anger that had fueled me was subsiding, leaving me with a hollow, empty feeling. When I got home, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed, but padding down the hall towards my room, I passed my two younger sisters engaged in a heated argument;that is, they were in the process of manically fighting over a Ken doll. Their arguing came to a halt when, in their tug-of-war fight for the toy, the doll's head snapped off, leaving one with the head and one with the body. Suppressing a laugh, I used it as a teaching opportunity.

“You know girls, sometimes when you focus on what you want instead of what you have, you end up with nothing.”

After easing the tension between them and admonishing them to get along, I headed to my room and crawled into bed.

​That night, Callan called me. I had never heard him this mad before.

“Ally! What were you thinking telling Jenna I was just gonna dump her after graduation? Are you out of your mind! What are you trying to do here?” Now it was my turn to cry.

“I don’t know Callan. I just, I don’t think she’s right for you and I just thought that it would be better for things to end now rather than later and…” Callan cut in.

“What are you talking about Ally do you even hear yourself right now? This is crazy.”

Choking back sobs, I ran my hands through my hair, trying to come up with something, anything to say that could fix this. Before I got the chance, Callan said something that made my heart stop.

“Ally, if…if you’re going to act like this towards my girlfriend, I…I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”

“No wait! Callan, please can we just talk about…”
I heard the click of a dial on the other end of the phone, and all went silent. I cried myself to sleep that night.

​The next day at school I passed him in the hallway. He didn’t even acknowledge me. At lunch, it killed me to see him sitting with Jenna in our usual spot, laughing and talking, while I sat alone in a back corner. I didn’t say a single word to him for the rest of the year. Of course, there was so much that I wanted to say, but these conversations only took place in my imagination. That is, until the day of our graduation, when he walked up to my grad table.

“Congratulations Ally, I saw that you committed to University of Florida, that’s exciting!”

“Yeah, I’m excited.” I fidgeted nervously with my hands. “And you’re going to Stanford, that’s…that’s incredible. I just know you’ll do great there.”

I was genuinely excited for him. Stanford had always been his dream school. At that moment it hit me that I hadn’t been there to congratulate him when he had gotten in. We smiled awkwardly at each other before he turned and went to say hi to the other graduates. There we were, realizing the fulfillment of all of our hopes and dreams, dreams we had spent years talking about together, as strangers.