~*~ May

I love him. I can't find other words to express this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I've never met him, I've never talked to him, but I've seen him. I've watched him for countless hours: reading at the bus stop, feeding the birds in the park, and standing by the cheetahs on my web cam. I love him, and he doesn't know I exist. I'm obsessed, continually in want of the sight of him, constantly thinking of him.

I'm 18, and I swear he can't be much older than 19. He's an angel, a cherub of sorts. I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. I can't shake this feeling of want, of need. I don't even know his name, but I know his face. I've stared into his cinnamon eyes for hours, and he has no idea I'm watching him... You think I'm crazy, I can tell. I'm not, and I can prove it! It started in January, though it's May now...

~*~ January

I felt trapped, stuck between millions of people, but no one was there in my room, it was just me. Everywhere I felt trapped, stuck in a box too small for me to breathe. I couldn't be with people, they made it worse. They asked me what was wrong, they got in my face to ask it. I couldn't breathe, and I passed out...

Tests, and tests, and more tests were run. What is wrong with this girl? The doctors must have been thinking. It wasn't my fault that I was sick! I can't help the claustrophobic panic attacks I suffer. They realized my problem, they gave me medicine but it didn't help. I felt like I was going to die every time I took it. The doctors took me out of school and let me teach myself, and then, I just stayed in my room.

The only thing that keeps me sane anymore is watching the cheetahs at the local zoo, from my web cam (sometimes I venture to the zoo) that the zookeepers set up for me. Then I saw him. He changed my life, and now, I just have to figure out what to do with my old one...

~*~February

It all started with the bus stop. A simple, bus stop. He was sitting there, when I first saw him. He was regarding the bus bench: A nasty thing with bubble gum under it, its' paint peeling, and an uncomfortable seat in general. He had a book tucked under his arm, and he brushed off the bus seat before sitting down, and cracking the book open.

I noticed everything about him, with an unhealthy fascination. He had pale skin, not too pale, but not tan either...It was the color of the sky at 5:10 in the winter time, though not as blue. His eyes though, those were the twin pools that I submerged myself in. Cinnamon eyes of wonder. The hair that tops his head is just a regular shade of dirty blond. Not too amazing, but not repulsive either.

My heart skipped a beat when it first saw him though, and I actually wanted to get on that disgusting excuse for a bus, just so that I could be next to him. When I heard the cough of exhaust in the distance though, I freaked out. I ran inside, and left him to get on the ugly bus, and head on his way.

The next day I watched him from my room, and admired his whole self. He was so handsome, and I felt crazy for liking him already so much...

~*~March

Rain pounded on my roof, soaking into the plants around the neighborhood, and creating a soggy atmosphere. I knew no one would be out, so I grabbed my raincoat (a bright banana yellow, that I always enjoy), slipped it on, and flipped up the hood. Then I sloshed out into the rain, enjoying the fact that I had possibly the whole tri-state area in my hands.

I immediately made my way to the park, it's one of the most beautiful places I know of. I pour my soul and heart out here, I cry against these tree trunks, and I let myself be free out here. I've missed this place for a while, I can never find a time when I'm truly alone to go. Except...He's there. I see him as I turn a corner, I see his face, and the birdseed in this hand. He has a black umbrella, and there are pigeons under it, eating his birdseed. He doesn't see me.

I back away, and hide myself behind a tree, maybe I'll make him think I don't exist. Maybe I'll let him see me. Maybe I'll be a coward, and maybe, no definitely, I will be a coward. I run through the rain, the sidewalk blurring behind my veil of tears. I run so fast, I feel like I'm flying and then, I'm home...

~*~April

I've seen the cheetahs before, and now, I've decided to go to the zoo. No point in staying away when the cheetahs calm me. If I get there fast enough, I might not have an attack. I grab my purse, and head to my car. Black, clean, and still with the new car smell, I've hardly ever been in this car. Huh.

I'm there...Get through the gates, and then run! I have to see the cheetahs. I feel like a cheetah, speeding into the distance, but I stop once I catch a glimpse of dark beige, with beautiful black spots. No one else is at the cheetahs but me. Just me and these big cats. I smile, and go sit on a bench, just to watch them.

He shows up. His face is bright, and he's staring at the cheetahs with delight. I bury my face in my hair, not letting him see me. I peak at him though, through this curtain of hair. He doesn't give me another glance. Just wanders off, looking constantly back at the cheetahs...

~*~June

He's almost always at the cheetahs, and now he almost seems like he's waiting for someone. I decide I'm going to go, I am going to go to the zoo and introduce myself to him. Quickly I get up, and change out of the pajamas I find myself constantly wearing.

I run through the gates again, repeating myself to get to the cheetahs. He quickly glances up, hearing the pounding of my footsteps, as I slow, to look at these graceful cats. They give me a chirp of greeting. I know their names and everything.

“Hey Lulu. Hi Toto,” I whisper, leaning towards to rail, to watch them rub against the fence, and purr.

“Did you say their names were Lulu and Toto?” A buttery smooth voice asks me.

“Oh, um, yes,” I respond, still quiet. Then I see, it's him. He is smiling. I realize then, that he wasn't way into the cheetahs, he wanted to see me! This astounds me, and I try to keep from staring.

“How much do you know about them?”

“Lots,” I smile, finally opening up.

“Cool..” He responds, blushing as he looks away.

“I'll tell you all about them!” I say, leading him over to the bench I first saw him... Out with my old life- in with the new.