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He Loves Me.
His long brown hair fell perfectly before his eyes . His mesmorising clear blue eyes shone. His smile , was the most beautiful smile she had ever seen.
He was perfect .
What could he possibly see in her , she thought constantly . To her this felt like an impossibly dream that she was living , and she was always dreaded the moment when she would wake up.
She couldn’t belive what was happening . She sat across the table from him. She sat acros the table from the newest superstar to rise to fame. The boy that every girl wanted, that every girl dreamed about . He was amazing . But to her he was amazing because of everything he did. Not because he was a major music artist , or because he was the teen icon ; but because of his laugh , because of the way he looked at her , because of the way he treated her like a goddess, like he would never let anything bad happen to her. For the first time , she felt loved .
She felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
He led her outside the restaurant into a patio surrounded by a garden lit up with wonderful lights . The sky was black with the stars shimmering beautifuly . As he turned to face her , her heart skipped a beat. She took a deep breath, and gazed into his eyes. To her , if there was a heaven , she was in it right now . The way he took one hand a grabbed gentley the side of her hip to pull her closer , made her want to never leave his side . Her heart was racing , as she looked deep into his eyes , she got butterflies as if it was their first date . She didn’t think it was possible to feel this way ... she didn’t think it was possible to feel this way about another person .
With the stars shinely brightly above their heads , he leaned his head in towards hers , so that the tip of their heads were nearly touching. Being so near to him made her blush. She felt these feelings, uncontrollable , indescribable . these urges to grab him and never let go . She wanted to feel his body on hers , his lips on hers, she wanted him to be with her ,all the time , as if noone in the world existed . All she could think of , was him .
She felt like she couldn’t survive without him . He made her world go round each day , to her , he made the sun come up each morning and set each dawn . For her , he was the only reason worth living .
The silence between the two of them created an atmosphere fuming with passion and love . He lifted one hand up to her cheek , stoked it softly , and whispered , “ I love you .”
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This article has 13 comments.
Very nice, overall!
This might sound strange, but I think you could try varying your sentece lengths a bit. Parts feel a little choppy, with lots of very short lines. It actually gives it a "breathless" feel, which kind of works in this piece... but I think it could read easier.
Otherwise, the emotion was great. It sounded just like a love struck teen, very cute. :)
9 articles 0 photos 193 comments
Favorite Quote:
"The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"- Irish Proverb
Overall, the centent was wonderful, and my critiques will be mostly grammar. You set the tone very well and the length is good. Sounds weird to say, but if it were longer, I don't think there would be as much effect as there was, so good job!
In the first sentence, you don't have to separate the the hair from eyes if you already mention the eyes. Be careful when you do this though, you don't want to start out with a sentence completely bogged down by adjectives.
"His long, brown hair fell perfectly before his mesmorisingly blue eyes. His smile was the most perfect smile she had ever seen."
"What could he possible see in me,'" she constantly thought.
If she's the one thinking it, then it shouldn't be in the third person.
"He was amazing, but to her, he was amazing because of everything he did....because of the way he treated her, like a goddess (I don't think you actually need goddess in there, but if you like it because it describes how well he treats her, then it's fine). Don't include the next part in the same sentence, include the feelings of her being safe with her feeling loved.
"She felt safe, and, for the first time, loved."
One point in the next paragraph was a bit difficult to read and took away from the beautifully described emotions.
"The way his hand gently pulled her closer to him made her want to never leave his side"
"She didn't think it was possible to feel this way, especailly about another person."
"...him to be with her all the time, as if no one..."
"All she could think of was him." If you'd like a pause there, use an elipses (...).
I love the ending! It's soooo sweet! This whole story was very lovely and sweet. The mood throughout the entire thing is dreamy and loving, so nice. Very well writen, just grammar, no biggie. I liked it a lot!