Dear You,
I don't know how to begin this letter, I've been sitting here for what seems like a century trying to find the exact words to write. I'm very positive I should begin with I'm sorry. Trust me, I swear if I could I'd write everything I ever did to hurt you, make you walk out of the room slamming the door behind you, or make you think you didn't want to be with me for even a second. I go back to the night we fell in love all the time. You went to the carnival with the same people as me. I didn't really know you that well, I had only talked to you a couple times before since we had classes together. We shared the same friends, but we were different. A bad kind of different. So, I tried to stay away from you. You were drunk, and falling all over me. I thought to myself, I could never see myself with someone like this. Then, you looked at me. I don't know how you did it, but you melted my heart. I kissed you, and you tasted so badly of cigarettes but I secretly liked it. From that night on, we were the couple everyone talked about. I remember clearly, alot of the disagreements we had. Some were over the silliest things, and some were over the biggest. The times I'd just completely ignore your calls, not wanting to fight anymore. But you'd keep calling anyways, waiting until I would finally pick up just to say you love me. Like last spring when we got in that argument at school, over another guy you thought I liked. You screamed at me, going on about how you didn't know what to do with me anymore. I screamed back, telling you to just go ahead and break my heart. We ignored each other the whole class period, until you saw me crying. I couldn't help it, I just didn't want want to loose you. You apologized, and whispered in my ear "Don't ever think I'm going to break your heart, ever." and then you kissed me. We've had our bad times, just like everybody else. But we've also had a hand full of good times too. I remember the first time we kissed, we both missed. I turned red, and said "Let's try again?" and we both got it right the second time. All those times you spent the night, and we watched comedy central until five in the morning telling jokes, and going outside to look at the stars while eating our favorite ice cream. When we'd lay down on my bed, and stare at each other for hours and hours like we had nowhere to be and nothing to do. No matter what, you always gave me butterflies. Just today I realized ... whenever I cry it's not because I'm thinking of all our bad memories, or even the good ones. I think of everything, as if it were giant flashback. The thing is never fully understood you. I could never figure you out. You were the bad boy, the one everyone was always talking about. You always back talked teachers, and were getting suspended from school almost every couple weeks. You'd go out with your friends, and get drunk. You smoked like there was no tomorrow, and you didn't get along with anybody. Yes, I did see that side. But, I'd also seen your other side. The sensitive and beyond amazing one. One thing that always bothered me was you never opened up to me, and if you did it was barely anything. You were so confusing, yet so intoxicating. So sometime's it was tough for me to understand exactly what you wanted, or were feeling. I don't know if this makes sense, but I knew it was over from the beginning. I just never wanted to admit it out loud. But in my head, I just knew. I loved you, but it was to complicated, and we both had no idea what the h*** we were doing. When it comes down to it, we both made mistakes. And we both did things we can't take back. But, I'm the one who messed it up. I'm sorry for the lies I told and the times I got upset for no reason. None of those things were worth it. As I write this letter to you, tears are falling from cheeks onto the paper. I don't want to start over either. I want those tear stains, to show you how much my heart is breaking right now. When I found out you were in the hospital, I was worried. When I found why you were in the hospital, I ran into my room and screamed into my pillow for five minutes straight. Tears were pouring from my eyes, and I felt this big lump rising in the back of my throat. My heart was burning, and it stung my chest horribly. A seizure. I never thought you'd have a seizure. They said you had a reaction to something you were smoking, and it just happened. I wanted to visit you, or call you. But, we haven't talked in five months. And you swear on everything you have that you hate me. Which kills me deep down, but I pretend it doesn't. I've taken every little tiny feeling, thought, and memory and put it into the best words I could. I've worked all night on this, wondering what you'd think when you got this. The worst part? You'll never get this, because I won't ever have the guts to send it. But I love you. And even though you'll never hear me say it again, I hope you always remember that. I'm glad your still here, and that nothing worse happened. Every once in awhile I secretly break my no peeking rule, and look at your profile anyways. I smile when I see your happy, and I cry when I see your sad. Maybe one day, just one day ... we can make things right again. Until then, I'll always be thinking about you. Always.
Sincerely,
Me.