“Look didnt’t really want you here,” I said shuffling busily through papers, trying to hide that my hands were shaking. “I just, this isn’t the best time can you just please…”
“Annie, stop,” he said stilling my hands beneath his, “this isn’t about this not being a good time, this is about you being afraid to talk about this.”
I closed my eyes. There was so much going on in my head, what I had to do, what I felt, what I wanted to happen. But in translation it just gets jumbled up between going from my brain to my lips from my lips to his ears to his ears to his brain.
“You’re right I don’t want to talk about it… I need, I just need to get this done,” I said removing my hands and walking over the table arranging the vase of flowers.
“Is this really what you want then?” he asked now angry, “Do you really want me to walk out those doors, leaving everything unsaid, because that is exactly what I’ll do.”
I turned to look at him. We were both willing me to say something, anything.
“Sam… I… I don’t like jelly beans,” is what finally came out.
“What?” he asked, obviously confused by my ridiculous statement.
“I hate jelly beans, and you brought them for me at Easter. I felt so bad, and didnt’t want to eat them that they’re still in my bedroom at home,” he made that adorable get-to-the-point face he always gets when my bad stories run to long, or I start to babble. “The reason I still have them is because you gave them to me, and I know that sounds creepy, but really it just means that I really, really like you… and that scares the s*** out of me because we’ve been dating for five months, five months! I mean that’s not even how long baseball season is, and now you, you tell me that you have this great job offer that you’ll be living a thousand miles away and…” at this point I started crying, “and I’m horrible at long distance relationships, I had one once and we only lived a hundred miles apart. And look at me were standing not even three feet apart and I’m hysterical, I mean are you really sure you want to live with this?”
He stepped towards me and whipped my tears away with his thumbs. “Annie, when I know I want something I go for it, and deep in my gut I know that I want you so badly it sometimes hurts. But I also need this job. So I’m going to make this work because every little thing about you makes me want to smile, and every day I learn something new about you that just makes me want a hug from you. So I’m telling you right now that you are exactly want I want to live with.”
“Yeah, you say that now, but what happens in the future, you leave in a week, and we haven’t even talked about plans…”
He laughed, “Annie, we don’t have to plan anything but to promise to give this our best shot.” I opened my mouth to say something but he gathered me into an embrace silencing me. “We will call and text every day, you’ll finish school, and I’ll come home on holidays. I’ll be home before you know it.” He placed a gentle kiss on top of my head.
I hugged him tight then, because I knew that it wouldn’t be long before I had to wait months to be able to just touch his hand. His warmth, his heartbeat, his smell, I wanted to take it all in before it would be gone. I knew things would be hard. But absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Things don’t always have to be planned out, lined up straight, or organized in alphabetical order. It’s hard to just throw flowers into the wind and hope that they don’t hit you in the face, but it’s easy to love. Feelings should be listened to, not ignored. Love will prevail, if it’s strong enough.
So here’s my vow to throw flowers into the wind… and hope to God they don’t hit me in the face.