I burst through my door and angrily rip down all the pictures of him, him and me, us together. I grab them and crumple them and rip them into angry shreds, like he has done to my heart. I scream with rage, and stomp on them, feeling the hot, salty tears course down my cheeks. My energy spent, I slump and stumble backwards until my hands touch the door. I slide down until my butt touched the floor and my back was ramrod-straight against the back of the door. I could hear my loud, angry sobs that poured from my lungs and leaped from my mouth, only to spill into the air and fill it with my uncontrolled heartbreak.

My world had shattered. That much I know. He had betrayed me, he had taken all I had given him and thrown it away and watched it shatter into dust. I had given him everything...my time, my promises, my body...he had filled me with empty words, hollow swears and vows, that meant nothing to him and everything to me.

I can still hear him, softly crooning words into my ears as one hand slipped up and down my spine and the other played in my hair.

“We’re perfect for eachother, Cari,” he would whisper, each word tickling my ear. “You and I are gonna get married. We’re gonna live together, forever, and always be in love.”

And like a fool, I had believed him. I had swallowed his lies hook, line, and sinker. I was his fat fish, his prize trophy...the perfect girl, the foolish girl, the one who didn’t bother to ask the questions.

So, when I showed up at his daddy’s cabin, the one where we always use to make love and make out and drink beer and wine and whatever crap was in it, the last thing I expected to see was him and her rolling around on the floor with a towel under them. Just like we used to.

The next thing I know I’m in the car driving home, flirting with three-digit speeds, the tears blinding me, half-praying that I’ll crash so I don’t have to remember this horrible night.

Now I’m leaning against the door, biting my hand until the coppery tang of blood fills my mouth. All I can think is ‘Why? Why? Why me? Why now? Why him? Why her? Why? God, why why why WHY WHY??’

I peek in the mirror and don’t recognize myself. My mascara has given me the appearance of a zombie. The smeared blood across my lips completes the look.

I’m all ready for Halloween, I dazedly think. Despite the crushing sadness, a small giggle burbles to my lips, and I wonder if this is the end, I’ve finally gone insane at the age of seventeen, and I must be having hysterics or whatever they freaking call it. My red curls, the ones he loved and stroked, and frizzing out, like in those dumb shampoo commercials with those old black and white cat-clocks. No, I must not think about him. I will never think about him again. Especially not his soft, man-pink lips, his cool, gray eyes, the way he crooned softly and stroked me...no, Cari. Don’t think about it. Don’t think. Just do. I'll show him. I'll make him love me..and it will be the last thing I ever do. Don't think about it, Cari. Just do.

Almost in a daze, I get up and stumble to the bathroom. My hands fumble with the containers of pills, clumsily knocking some over. I watch the red and yellow tablets tumble out and slip down the drain. Just like I will be soon.

I find mom’s old sleeping tablets, the ones she had to take when she was really depressed after Grandma died. I hope they still work.