I Know


We are some of the many caught between childhood and adulthood. Two of the lost souls stumbling through the chaos of adolescence; constantly over-estimating or doubting ourselves. Floating away from the path, with no anchor to help us stay grounded. At this age, this young and incorrigibly uncertain age, I could never claim to know what love is. However I know other things, when I am with you. You make me more certain. You make me less lost. When I am beside you, I do know things.

I know how I feel when we walk together. Mere inches separating our shoulders and hips. The distance closing when one of us gets overly excited and begins to wave our arms in dramatic gestures. Our steps falling in line, our laughter filling the air, and endless streams of hopes and plans and dreams and thoughts spilling from our lips without hesitation. I can trust you, and you can trust me. When I walk beside you I feel a strong sense of comfort and familiarity. I feel what I cannot feel around others. I feel like myself.

I know how your eyes look. Those deep, ebony pools, and how they seem to shimmer with brightness despite their dark color. The light catches them, casting white ficlets that dance across the surface, and a similar light enters them as they widen with excitement. Long wisps of brown frame their impossible roundness. The curving lashes stand out in stark contrast to the dramatic orbs that they encircle. I watch your eyes as you speak sometimes. I watch the light that dances, and the anger that flashes, and the faraway look when your mind is in a faraway place. When staring into your eyes I do not feel lost, but rather found.

I know how your voice sounds. The often loud, boisterous explosion from your full lips. It carries in authoritative booms and sing song melodies. It slides up and down like horses on a carousel, matching the childlike whimsy in your endeavors of tomfoolery, or silly little songs. It can also be soft, gentle and smooth. The way it sidles and settles in the crevices of my consciousness in the low whispers of exchanged words fills me with placidity. Benevolent greetings coupled with mischievous surprise hugs in hallways make my heart flutter and my lips curve with happiness.

I know how close we are. The deep staring that communicates better than words. Our minds go down the same rabbit holes at the strangest of prompts, but we share in the madness together. We admittedly know how to bring out the best and the worst of each other. Mischief is only to be expected when left in each other’s company. After all, why let a partner in crime go to waste? Folly is not the only thing we share, however. The plans we make, the dreams we have, they are so intricately intertwined. I remember when the two of us became a “we” and not an “I”; the comfort that stems from being part of a duo, a package deal, is incredible.

I know how I worry for you. You have to face so many challenges that nobody can know, or can even understand. I still don’t know if I understand, but I wish that I could. There is not a thing I would not give up if only I could learn how to help you. You cannot cry, all the anger and pain has settled in your chest and you cannot, despite your efforts, force it out. I wish I could help you be rid of all those suffocating feelings. Your sleepless nights make mine sleepless as well, and I wish we could spend them together. Exchanging an utterance of tranquility, to help guide us to repose. I hate that there has to be anything for you to hate. You don’t deserve this woe. I wish I could take away your pain, I wish I could thank you for taking away mine.
I know how you saved me. Those times I felt so worthless, so scared, and so anguished. There were times I sunk deep in the abysses of devastation, feeling like I didn’t deserve to live anymore, and being not quite sure if I wanted to. Then you came along, and you gave me something to reach for. You made me feel special, you made me feel important, you made me feel like I could live, and you didn’t even have to try. Your very existence encouraged mine. You gave me faith that I wouldn’t have to feel alone, that I could have someone with which to go through the good and bad. You gave me hope that the person could be you. You guided me to my light and kept me from going under in the waves of melancholy. You are the only thing that keeps me breathing.

I know these things, these small things that other’s may not care about. I do care about them, for these are the things that help get me through my days. In a world filled with so much doubt and shaky circumstances, I can anchor myself to these certainties. We are young, and we are lost, and we are unsure of where our lives will take us. A few of the many in-betweens without much of a purpose or sense of direction. It is in this time, when I am ever so grateful to have found my anchor. Someone who grounds me and surrounds me with happiness, and an overwhelming feeling. I know things, so many things about you, and about us, but I do not know what love is. Although, thinking about these things, thinking about you, I think I would very much like to learn.