I used to think that buying from the sale section at Barneys and Saks Fifth Avenue was ridiculous. I’ve gotten over these feelings. You know I still can’t comprehend why there’s a clearance section? I have this thing about getting way too ahead of myself, I think it’s called being absent-minded. One good thing about me is I have enough ambition to feed a whole country. I could just be another wild teenage girl that wants to grow up and just be famous. Back to reality… Being the hottest sixteen year old girl in the Upper East Side of Manhattan is exhausting. My father is the mayor of New york which means a lot of people are always watching me, waiting for my next move. The reason why so many people care is because four years ago my father was vice president of the United States. He decided not to continue for another four years because he wanted to focus on our “family”. Sometimes having the spotlight on me is irritating. There are all these things I have to watch out for like: drugs, alcohol, boys, fake people, and going places by myself.

I love driving home from school in my silver Bentley. Everyone used to tell me I was selfish, narcissistic, and vainglorious. I’ve learned to be more caring but I just can’t help myself. I have everything any girl could ever want: a gorgeous boyfriend, money, three luxury cars, luxurious clothes, the best accessories, and a custom 48K gold ring from Tiffany & Company.

I walk into my master bedroom and look into the colossal full body mirror on my wall and see my irresistible face, no wonder I’m dating the richest boy on the Upper East Side! My natural long black and brown ombre hair just barely touches my butt. I have eyes that resemble the Caribbean ocean. I have perfectly arched eyebrows that are better than my mothers. My skin tone is flawless because of my race, I’m mixed with black and Greek. I have skin that resembles a freshly baked sugar cookie. I am “skinny” but I have a bit of weight on me. Nothing stops me from wearing what I want. I never hold back, especially when it’s something I want. When I want something I want it and I don’t care what I have to do to get it. Some people call me spoiled and others call me determined. I have everything any girl could ever want: My father is the mayor of New York, and my mother is the editor-in-chief for the United States Vogue magazine. I have four siblings and one more on the way. Just another child I will have to take care of. It’s funny how when my parents ask me to babysit, I just pay my cousin to do it and get home before they do. My parents go out a lot and don’t have much time for me or my siblings. My parents are always getting on my nerves about drugs and alcohol, and how I shouldn’t abuse my money. It’s my life and I can do what I want, who cares what they say? I need to think about positive things. When I grow up, I want to be famous.

In my mind, I was just a girl. Just another person trying to find color in this black and white world. I didn’t want shades of gray. I wanted vibrant colors. Every now and then I think about drugs, I preach to my younger siblings about not doing them but then I go to the top deck and smoke. I need to stop, but I just can’t. I’m hooked. There are two things in this world that I can’t get rid of: my boyfriend Chance and drugs. I find myself constantly trying to let him go, but I just can’t.

I woke up to a vociferous car door slam. While Chance was unpacking the car I looked around at the large estate. I have always dreamed about this day, feeling the wind in my hair and spending my spring break with the love of my life. People say that because I’m only sixteen years old, I don’t know what love is. Deep down I imagine spending the rest of my life with Chance. We’ve been together since the 7th grade. Those were the days. The days when it didn’t matter how long your hair was. Rather if it was real or fake. What mattered is that you were nice and when it was your birthday ,you brought in cupcakes from the expensive part of town. I wish Chance and I could go back. back to the days where none of it mattered. We were happy and that was all that mattered.

As I looked around at all the beautiful flowers and perfectly cut bushes, it made me feel complete tranquility. A tall man in a tuxedo greeted me.

“Hello, Katrina. My name is Lionel, and I’m the gardener, butler, and housekeeper. If you need anything, please let me know”. Here is a pink lemonade, “your favorite.”

“Hello, Lionel!” I extended my hand.

Chance said, “Lionel take our bags inside to the master bedroom, then make sure the pool is heated.”

“Okay, Chance, will do! Anything for you Katrina?”

Katrina exclaimed, “Call me Kat!”

Lionel took our bags and took them inside to the house. I looked at Chance while he moved the car to the garage. He’s so perfect. I love him with all my heart, nobody knows how much. I rummaged through my Louis Vuitton purse. Inside I found my limited edition gold iPhone 5S. I had twenty-eight missed calls from my mom. I just gazed at her name on my lock screen and threw my phone back in my purse, she can wait. I told my mom that I was going to Philly for the week with two of my best friends Summer and Riley, but it doesn’t matter. We were supposedly going to visit our friend that had moved away after her mom had a dreadful affair. I was here now and everything was beautiful. I walked inside the mansion and saw high ceilings with wood panels. The walls were a clean distressed ivory that complimented the furniture perfectly. I pulled out a joint and lit it. Straight ahead were a series of cream colored french doors that led to a sunroom. As I continued to walk through the lovely mansion, there it was. The perfect kitchen, It was better than mine! How could that be possible, I can’t stand it when people top me. I continued to walk in circles trying to find the deck.

I pulled my phone and iMessagd Chance;

Me: Where are you?
Chance: Come find me.
Me: This place is like a maze.
Chance: I’m near a door.
Me: That really narrows it down.
Chance: Haha keep looking.
Me: Uh. Why are you being so annoying?
Chance: Walk straight.

I walked straight until I hit a door, I slowly turn the doorknob. AHH!
“Holy crap, you can’t scare me like that” I exclaimed.
“Sorry babe, but you should have seen your face!” He replied.
“Race you to the pool!” I shouted.
I loved this moment, we were running through the halls, jumping over couches, and pushing each other. YES! I made it first! I took off my high waisted shorts and my limited edition Jordans. I jump in the heated pool, it feels like I’m swimming through the Milky Way, the water feels breathtaking. Out of know nowhere Chance comes running out of the house like a man who just won the lottery. He’s gorgeous, sweet, and he loves me for who I am. He jumps in the pool fully clothed. I swim towards him and wrap myself around him.

“It’s crazy, because I don’t even know when you became so important to me. It’s like watching a snowstorm. You see the flakes falling, but you don’t realize how they’re suddenly adding up. Then suddenly, your whole lawn is covered. All these littles things have added up, and baby you’re my snowstorm.”

“Katrina, love was just a word until you came into my life and gave it a meaning, you walked into my life and hit me like hurricane irene. I love you with all my heart and I will never stop. A year ago, I thought about love and how I used to make fun of those who confided in it. I refused to believe in it, it always didn’t seem real to me. Now that I have you, I refuse to live one more day without the love that you give me. I want you. That’s all. All your flaws. Mistakes. Smiles. Giggles. Jokes. Sarcasm. Everything. I want you for who you are and nothing more “ said Chance.

I walk into my townhouse and see my mother and father sitting in our foyer. I disregard my parents and walk into the kitchen, where Barry our butler is usually around at this time. I see him outside on the deck on the phone. I miss the days when Barry and I used to mess around. I mean he’s twenty-three now. When my parents found out there was something going on they told me to pull the plug between us or military school. There was no way I could do that, I have authority issues.
I drop my bags and walk into the foyer. Upstairs I hear my three sisters and my brother running around, I can’t wait for college.

“Where have you been? We’ve been worried sick I’ve called you 38 times. When I called Summer and Riley’s parents they told me that they were in Maine for the week not Philadelphia”, mom stated.
“I changed my mind. Now all of a sudden you care about me, ” I screamed.
“Who were you with?” mom accused.
“I was with Chance at his estate in the Hamptons”, I sassed.
”There’s a family emergency”, Mom hissed.
“I’m leaving, I don’t want to be bothered with your drama today, Brielle, ”I said.
“Katrina, that’s mom to you, sit your ass down and stop being a brat , mom said.
“I don’t care. I’m going shopping with Summer, Peyton, Cella, and Riley in a half hour, ” I said.
“Your dad is resigning from being mayor, ” Mom uttered.
She began to tear, my father was silent and extended his hand to her as they looked nervously into each others eyes.
“There’s no easy way to say this but, your father has Ischaemic Heart Disease”, Mom said.
“‘Wait hold up wait a minute let me put some cash into it, this is a joke right?”I said.
She shouted,”Damnit Katrina! Not everything is a joke and money doesn’t always solve your problems.”
I looked at her and then looked back at my father. My fathers eyes burned through my soul. Andrew Fitzpatrick, the coolest man I have ever known (not that I acknowledge him.) I couldn’t let them see me cry. I was going to act the way I always did when I didn’t like something. Ignore it and shake it off. It was time for me to get away, everything that can kill me makes me feel so alive.
“Sucks to suck, are we done here?” I said.
“No, we have a doctors appointment this evening, so I need you to watch Finley and Stella. Brian has a playdate with our neighbors across the street, ”said mom.
My mom always forgets she has another child, and she has another along the way. My mother doesn’t deserve that baby. There are tons of women that would kill to have a child and can’t. My mother just has kids and lets me take care of them. Deep down she loves us but half the time I have to make us dinner because my parents don’t come home. I understand that they get busy, and that I’m old enough but it’s simply too much for me to handle
“Don’t forget your other child. You deserve the award for the most devoted mom”, I snapped.
“No more of that attitude, I didn’t forgot about Shayleigh. She has a piano lesson on 5th street,” Mom declared.
“I’m not doing this tonight. I will be back before 6:00A.M.,” I said.
“Katrina Ivy Gretchen Fitzpatrick! Come back here right now,” Mom screamed.
“Screw this, I’m out, ”I stammered.
Before my mother could say another word I grabbed my purse, keys, a bottle of whiskey and ran out. Before I got into my Bentley, I faced my house and stuck up my middle finger. Should I have stayed? love my mom but I can’t deal with her drama today. I begin to tear up, I wipe my face. I pull out my Channel compact and touch up my blush. I pull out my Alexander McQueen sunglasses.
“F***,”I said.
“I forgot to fill the tank! That’s the beauty of being rich”
I grab my stuff and run towards the garage. As I’m running, my phone starts vibrating. I pull it out my purse and see that my friends are blowing up our group chat:

Summer: Hurry your ass upp
Riley: We are already waiting for you at Masa
Me: Why are you guys texting on two different phones
Summer: Where is Peyton and Cella?
Riley: Shut up and Hurry
Me: Chill, I’m on my way. Bentley is out of gas once again. Is Lani and Brooklyn coming?
Lani: We just parked
Brooklyn: After drinks we are going to Barney's
Me: How are we getting drinks? I’m pretty sure our fake ideas won’t sell
Brooklyn: My sister is dating the owner -- they have a V.I.P table
Peyton: Uhh Kat pick me up. Mom took away my Ferrari..
Cella: Maybe it’s because you crash every car you get
Riley: Or because you gave one of your cars to a homeless man when you were mad at mom
Peyton: Hahaha! Classic rich girl s***
Me: Everyone stop blowing up my phone, I’m coming to pick you up Peyton. Be ready in 10. Save me a bottle vodka!
Riley: kk
Cella: If you’re not here in 15 minutes, I will tell Chance you’re cheating on him
Me: You wouldn’t dare….

I hopped in my convertible Mercedes Benz and let the top down. I plugged my iPhone into the radio and pushed shuffle. “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani came on. I turned it up really loud and took a big swig from the whiskey. As I drove down the gorgeous, aggressive streets of New York, I began to feel tranquility again for the first time since the Hamptons. I started to become so dizzy from the whiskey. This isn’t the first time. As I arrived at Peyton’s house, I honked the horn three times. She ran out looking sumptuous in her low cut mulberry chiffon jumpsuit, paired with Louis Vs and a white envelope clutch.
“Oh my goodness! I missed you so much, How was The Hamptons?” Peyton said.
“I missed you too! It was amazing, Chance and I had a great time together. We only stayed one night, but that was all I needed”, I said.
She hopped in the car, and grabbed my phone to find a song.
“What’s the password to your phone?” Peyton said.
“This song is fine, what’s wrong with Trinidad James?”
“He’s so ghetto the way he looks, talks, and raps.”, She said.
“Stop being so prejudice, he’s not that bad”, I said.
That was one thing I couldn’t stand about Peyton, she was always discriminating against people and their skin tone. If I was fully black and lived in the Bronx she wouldn’t talk to me. I love getting lost in my thoughts, when I just tune everyone out except I’m starting to feel super dizzy…...
“Kat, look out!”, Peyton shouted.
As I looked up I saw the old lady jay walking. I hit the emergency break and my car spun 360 degrees. We finally stopped at an awkward angle long enough for a truck to ram into the side of us.

Where was I? This all felt so weird roaming around the scene of the accident. I didn’t like this at all. Where is Peyton? I looked around some more and saw her hysterical, talking to a group of police officers. Thank you God. She was talking to the officers about my parents and contact information. Once again, where was I? I looked around, confused as hell. There’s my body, laying on the stretcher being put into an ambulance. There’s something not right about this, I can walk, talk, think and do everything I could before. Except nobody can see me. I must be in a coma? I stopped, damn. Paparazzi! I run back to the ambulance and join my body. Even though it’s not like they can see me.
When I get in the ambulance, Peyton is in there waiting next to me with my purse and all my other stuff in her arms. She was crying, she looked scared as hell. I watched her with all facination. She has always been the friend to stay calm, and mature. She was breaking down the more she would look at me.
Peyton said, “Kat? Can you hear me? Squeeze me hand if you can.”
I attempted to squeeze her hand but when I attempted to look, I was missing half my right arm and my left leg up to my knee. We arrived at the hospital and they ran me into the emergency room entrance. It looked like it did in the movies accept more chaotic. After they ran me into a hospital room, they started to perform all of these tests on me. They had pushed Peyton out awhile ago and put her in the waiting room. She kicked and shouted, but they just wouldn’t let her stay. My mother, father, and younger siblings all ran in. They are late as usual and if it weren’t for Peyton, I would be dead. My mother ran over to my bed and cried and shouted.
“Fix her, please doctors. She has lost two limbs, my poor baby,” Mom said.
“Mommy what’s wrong with Kat?,” said Shayleigh.
“Ma’am, we are doing the best we can but we think she’s in a coma, It’s rare that she can still hear and think,” the surgeon said.
“What’s a coma?” Shay said.
Mom said, “Go sit down with you brother and sisters. Now is not the time, go play with your iPad.”
Why was my mother being so rude? Shay was the calmest and sweetest of all my siblings. My twin sisters were such bad kids that they got kicked out of preschool. Stella and Finley just sat in the chairs and watched inappropriate YouTube videos. I can’t stand this anymore, but just as I thought this could get worse it got better. Chance comes walking in with Riley, Summer, and Cella. In my head, I’m crying because I didn’t think they all cared about me. I thought I was just another rich girl who had “friends”.
They all looked at me with tears in their eyes. Chance walked around on the left side of my bed and touched my half arm.
He whispered, “I love you and everything’s going to be okay,”
It had been four hours and they were still there, growing more worries as the day went on. It was 1:46PM when the accident happened. I looked at my mom, she didn’t look too well. She was nine months pregnant, and her due date wasn’t until next week.
“Stella sweetheart, I need to sit down. Go share a seat with Finley,” Mom said.
She sat down and she began to look very lightheaded. Her head slowly tipped back her eyes slowly started to blink rapidly. Water began to drip from her dress.
“She’s going into labor! We need a doctor, somebody help my wife is going into labor,” said Dad.
All these doctors came in with a rolling hospital bed, they moved her onto the bed and rolled her away.
Was I going to get to meet my little sister? I was scared and upset. I couldn’t do anything. After everyone had left and gone with my mom, I looked on my nightstand and saw my louis vuitton. I tried to grab it as best I could without moving my oxygen mask. I grabbed it and explored around in my purse to find my scissors in the sewing kit, cracked iphone, ipad mini, a pack of skittles, and Kate Spade notepad. I looked in the inside pocket and found a joint. Crap! Where’s my lighter? I felt around in my purse and found my lighter in the side pocket. I grabbed the joint and lit it. If all of them came back in here they would know I was awake and alive but I wanted to know what was going on with my mom. Chance walked into my room and stopped. He looked pissed, he grabbed the almost smoked away joint and threw it out the window. He threw it outside just before my father came in. My father walked in with my new sister. She didn’t look right to me, Her skin was purple and red, (not the normal kind.)

As my father walked towards me, he handed me my new beautiful little sister.
They all gathered around my bed and looked at the precious little baby.
“Can I hold her?”I said.
“Of course, but we want you to name her,” said my father.
“She looks like a Autumn,” I said.
“I love it”, said my mom as she entered the room in a wheel chair.
“She does need a middle name to,” said dad.
“Marina. Autumn Marina Danielle Fitzpartick,” I said.
In that moment as I held Autumn, I looked into all the innocent eyes of my family and friends and realized that they didn’t deserve any of this.
I loved my family but it wasn’t fair to them. I loved them with all my heart, but they didn’t deserve the hell I had put them through. I can’t do this anymore, this isn’t the life for me.
I spoke with tears in my eyes, “I love you guys, I always will but it’s time for me to leave now. You know that sometimes we all aren’t supposed to stay on this earth. Our time here is temporary, but what matters is that we’ve made the best of the time we did spend”
“Katrina you put those scissors down this instant, Dad commanded.
“I love you guys, but my time is up”, I convinced.
I cut the IV bag with my medicine, and there I heard it. The bag of blood hit the floor hard but fast, that’s all it took the whole time. The heart monitor slowly started to beep hard and rapidly.
“Doctors! We need help” , Dad screamed.
It was too late, My heart rate slowly went down, all that was there was a straight line which represented the fact that I was gone. The doctors came in and tried all these tests, I knew that if I cut the bag they wouldn’t be able to bring me back. The shocked me six times and nothing happened. Ten minutes later four different techniques, they sat my family down, and told them I was dead and there was no way they could bring me back.
A Whole New World
Cella ran out crying, she knew it was her fault, but I thank her for it. I have been trapped this whole time behind a lie. Looks can be really deceiving because I lied my way through life. This wasn’t who I wanted to be. Having girls follow me around that probably don’t like me. I love Chance, Mom, Dad, Finley, Autumn, Shayleigh, Stella, Brian, and my friends, but I’m in a much happier place. They should accept that, but they may never know. They’ll know when they join me up in heaven.
What is a fear of living? It's being permanently dying. It is not doing what you came here to do, out of timidity and spinelessness. The antidote is to take full responsibility for yourself - for the time you take up and the space you occupy. If you don't know what you're here to do, then just do some good. But I hadn’t done any good and it was time for me to pay the price.
It was beautiful while it lasted, but my time is up.