“Isadore, it’s time to get up.” Melinda said sweetly into her son’s resting ear. He opened his eyes the way you rip off a band-aid or cannon-ball into the deep end of a pool. As his body flipped over to glance at his alarm clock his emotions took a five second roller-coaster ride. At first he was reluctant to get up and acknowledge that summer was officially over, then he was excited to start his senior year at Sigbere School for the Gifted, and finally he ended in a blissful mood because he decided to catch one last wave before he came in to shower.
Melinda tried to look shocked in front of me when she came downstairs and said that Iz just grabbed his wetsuit and jumped off the deck, but it had become a routine for him. He grabbed his wetsuit, jumped off the deck, pulled his favorite custom board from under the stairs and jogged out to the crashing waves of Marine Street Beach. Somehow he always managed to get his suit on fully before he hit the water. The kid aggs waves too. I’m talking true aloha spirit trapped deep inside that boy. It’s a shame he aces so much.
“Babelini you have to get out there before the swells turn ankle snappers. But be careful bout the baller on the sandbank. He totally just bailed and his balsa shattered. The whole thing was bogus. Jax, our accessory man went super agro on him and now there’s a sign by the pier that says ‘no barneys, no exceptions.’ Gosh I am beat. It was wicked ba roos out there though. head out.” Iz said to me.
Melinda glanced at me and I explained that some newbie abandoned his board and then threw a fit when it broke, so Jax kicked him off the beach and said no newbies were allowed. The waves were great though.
I ran upstairs behind Iz and searched his room for my t-shirt. I didn’t want Mel to find it when she came in for laundry later. Last night was not supposed to happen, and for all intents and purposes it didn’t. As long as I found my shirt anyway.
“Hey Jane, don’t look at me for like twenty seconds because I’m naked and--” Iz started to say. Too late though, since I couldn’t hear him clearly I popped my head out from under the bed. A long time ago we both agreed it would be too weird if we saw each other naked. Trust me, we were so right. He lunged forward for the towel on his bed and laughed uncontrollably.
“Janie,” he said, “You need to work on your listening skills.”
“Yeah sorry. This is super weird.” I said. Then I crawled around feeling for my shirt on the floor. Of course Iz proceeded to get dressed so as I came around to the side of the bed next to his closet, I was at eye level with… well I can’t even talk about that.
“I see how this is a lot better, waaaaay less weird.” He said to me.
“I’m looking for my shirt.”
“Well it’s not over here.”
“Yes, I see that.”
“Ok, well I don’t want to be rude Janie, but can you get out so I can get dressed. It should be easy. just like you did last night. You know after you used me to get back at Jax.”
Therein lies the mistake.
“I said I was sorry Iz.”
“And I said it was ok.”
“It doesn’t sound ok.”
“Oh, well then it’s not ok.”
“That’s not fair Iz, and you know it. It’s just not that simple.”
“No, what i know is that Jax was my friend yesterday and you were his girlfriend and he said something hurtful and you did something twice as bad and now I cannot even look at you. I want you to leave now, and I want you to stop coming in here at three in the morning sneaking through my sheets. That sounds simple to me.”
“Iz, you’re supposed to be easier than this.”
“Janie. Get out.” He said, mockingly.
I walked slowly toward the door. If he’s looking at me when I turn around to shut the door, it will all be ok.
He was not looking.


Facing Jax today isn’t going to be easy. I want to tell him that I was stupid to do what I did. I want to tell him that it meant nothing to me. I want him to say that he understands what I mean and he’s sorry too and we’ll be ok and blah blah blah. I want things to go back to the way they were.
He’s walking toward me. I have about three seconds to come up with my explan---
“Hey Jax. Can we talk?”
S*** what am I doing.
“Right now?”
No. Janie no. Just let him walk into school and bro out.
“Yeah.”
God what am I doing.
“Here?”
No actually, nowhere. Never. This was stupid.
“We can go to my car if that will make you more comfortable.”
S***. Not the car. No good can come out of that situation.
“I parked closer, we can sit in the truck.”
A situation where I have no control. No thanks.
“Ok, lead the way.”
Goddammit Janie.
“First off I want to start by saying I am not mad at you. I understand why you did it. I am just sorry that I let it happen to be honest. I can’t believe that I let it go so far and I understand. I always knew you and Iz would end up doing this one day. Now that you live together anyway. Iz is my friend, and even though it hurts that this happened, it gives me space to really think about what I need right now. Things will go back to the way they were, I just need time.”
I was stunned. He said exactly what I wanted him to say, but there is still a pit in my stomach. Something is different. I don’t even know if this is what I want.
“Jax, I never meant to hurt you, or Iz.”
His face looked like he was in physical pain when I said his name. I can tell now why it feels so wrong. It wasn’t sincere. He didn’t mean anything.
“Can you just tell me why?”
“You are the reason why. I have never felt like I was good enough to be with you. And when you actually said it.. I was so...broken.”
“You were more than good enough.”
“You didn’t make me feel that way.”
“I did more than I would have if you were any other girl. You were having episodes.”
“Fits of depression because I feel like less than enough.”
"I just don't understand why you do this to yourself."
"Because I look at myself like I look at the world; each piece small piece has beauty, but the overall picture is a wreck."
"Your problem is that you look at yourself like the world, but I look at you like the universe. A thousand little unexplored worlds that are all mystic and wonderful. And beautiful."
I am definitely not good enough. Not for those words. He deserves better than me. He put his hand on top of mine and looked at me with soft green eyes. No words were spoken but I felt like everything was going to be ok between us. Then right when we would normally have kissed, he unlocked the doors and got out.