I remember the way he smelt. He smelt like cigarettes and clean clothes and peppermint, kind of the way that an aunt that you meet for the first time at a family reunion would. It was a soft scent though, not suffocating. It was strange because he didn't smoke, but you could smell the lingering cigarette that had poisoned his mother’s lungs the morning before. It's the scent I can't seem to get off of my clothes. No matter how many times I wash them.

I love that scent.

And I remember the first time that I smelt it too. It was late. And I was young. And he wasn't. And it was summer. And I was innocent. And he wasn't.

He walked into the living room from my brother's room and they had just finished lacrosse practice. It was on a Wednesday, I remember because it was the Wednesday before my birthday and he had asked me what I wanted. And I said that I wanted a new phone, which seems stupid now. But that's what I wanted. And he said that's cool and I smiled and said thanks because I didn't know what else to do. And then he said his name, but I already knew it because everyone did. And then he said his mom was here and he left.

The next day he came back with bruises on his arms and I asked him what happened and he said him and his brother got in a fight and I ignored it. And he asked if I was excited for my birthday. I said very. I was turning sixteen and so I was going to get my license. And that's when my dad walked in and said that he wasn't too sure if that was going to happen, considering I could barely ride a bike, let alone drive a car. And he laughed and I laughed.

His laugh was as sweet as he was.

And the next day he didn't come back. My brother said that he had been out of school that day. And I missed him for the first time. And my sister walked in and said that she thought he was cute and my other sister said she agreed, even though she was only ten. And I didn't say anything, but I thought the same.

A week passed and it was my birthday and everyone was around the dinner table and I thought it might be the perfect time to ask where he was but I didn't want to make it seem like I liked him or anything so I kept quiet. And then he walked through the door with a box that I assumed was my present. I was right. He sat down next to me after greeting my parents and siblings and he whispered happy birthday as my father said grace. I smiled and thanked him. He smelt like cigarettes and clean clothes and peppermint.

And I loved it.

That night I was in my room and he walked in and asked me how my birthday was going and I said great. And he handed me my gift, which was a vinyl album from my favorite band and a record player. I thanked him and hugged him. It lasted longer then a normal hug, and so just before it got too weird I let go of him. But then he held on and he looked me in the eyes and it felt like we were about to kiss and we might've but then my brother walked in. And so we let go of each other and he flung himself on the other side of the room. And my brother asked if I liked my present and I said yes. And then he left and I sat down and took a deep breath because my clothes smelt like cigarettes and clean clothes and peppermint.

His parents were out of town that night and so he stayed with us. And he came in from the shared bathroom that my brother and I have and I asked why he was here. And he said that he couldn't sleep. I said I couldn't either. And so we lay there in my bed, barely touching. Our breathing was synchronized and our heart beats too. And he put his hand on mine. And I was confused because I didn't know he felt that way. And I turned my head to see if he fell asleep and he hadn’t. He was looking right at me and his eyes were an icy blue. And he crept closer and his lips met might. And we sat there kissing for a while until it became more. But I didn't want to rush anything so I asked him to slow down and he said that he would. And so we lay there for a while with his arms around me. And the air smelt like cigarettes and clean clothes and peppermint.

I woke up that morning and he wasn't there and so I got out of bed and went downstairs. He was sitting at my kitchen counter eating cereal and so I sat next to him like nothing happened. And we ate together and my family was around us but it felt like we were alone. And he asked if I was excited for school to start again and I said no. And he said same. And we ate in silence. It was nice.

I saw him in the halls that day. He smirked at me slightly as he passed by, with all of his friends. In quick passing, he ran his fingers across my hand and said hi, and then continued on in a world I would never know.  And later I saw him getting into his car, talking to this girl that was prettier than anyone I’d ever seen. I felt this ache inside me as I realized that he wanted her more than he wanted me. But it was okay, because that night I would see him again and it would be just us. Alone. And everything would be okay. And I thought about cigarettes and clean clothes and peppermint.

Months passed, and every night he would come through my window, and we would talk about school and about life, but not about what we were. And on that one night I couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t look at him talking to those girls and act like I wasn’t upset. I couldn’t see him walk by with his friends, only giving me a smile and a touch. I couldn’t act like I didn’t love him anymore. And I wouldn’t let him act like he didn’t love me. And on that one night he came in through my window, and asked me why I was sad. I told him how I felt. I told him how it kept me up at night. I told him I understood that it would be hard, but I didn’t care. I told him I loved him.

And he said nothing. 

He sat in silence, thinking I guess. All of sudden, he took off his shirt and I saw the bruises. I saw the hate and the pain, the torment that he went through at home. I saw the cigarette burns and I finally understood.

We lay there in silence, with his arms around me. And it’s okay that no one knows about us, because it makes our love our own.

We lay in silence, with the room smelling like cigarettes and clean clothes and peppermint. And our breathing was synchronized and so were our heartbeats. As we drifted off to sleep, we whispered,

“I love you, Matt”

“I love you too, Liam”