Coffee and Cream | Teen Ink

Coffee and Cream

July 26, 2015
By Shannon15 SILVER, Ongar, Other
Shannon15 SILVER, Ongar, Other
8 articles 1 photo 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses." ~ Ann Landers


The chance of an average person being struck by lightning in any given year is 1 in 960,000. The chance of being struck in a lifetime is 1 in 12,000. The smallest of factors can affect this such as taking a wrong turn, but no one usually believes that it will happen to them. The chance of a direct strike is even more unlikely. In a direct strike, a person is part of the flash channel and enormous amounts of energy pass through their body. It can result in irreversible harm such as a damaged organ, a damaged nervous system or death.

The chance of a direct strike is 1 in 1,070,000. The chance of me walking into your coffee shop, must have been roughly the same. 

*****

I walk into the small coffee shop and breath a sigh of relief, as I gradually begin to warm up. My body tingles all over, and I sneeze, beginning to wonder why I leave my house so early in the morning. After placing my order for a medium, boiling hot mocha, I stand and patiently wait for it at the second counter. That was the first time I saw him. He was so handsome; so remarkably close to perfect. His hair fell down to the bottom of his neck in golden curls and his green eyes sparkled, despite the limited lighting.

His eyes met mine as his hand passed the mocha to mine, slowly. No smile left his lips but I was in danger of allowing one to escape mine. He made me feel insecure. Suddenly I was all too aware of my own flaws. I was aware that my hair was brown, straight and not exactly special. I was all too aware that my eyes didn’t sparkle like his did, that they didn’t show hundreds of beautiful colours the way his did. I was so common, so indistinctive.

I find a cosy place to sit in the corner of the shop, still flustered. As I was nearing the end of my mocha, another mocha was placed down onto my table.

“I didn’t order-” I began, but stopped when I saw who it was.

“On the house,” the golden-haired guy said. “May I join you?” I nod, feverishly.

He introduced himself as Tom and we were quickly established as opposites. I like to read, he doesn’t. He plays sports, I don’t. I like classic rock ‘n’ roll and he likes modern EDM. Still, something drew me to him. Something other than his good looks.

We spoke for almost an hour. Well, I spoke for almost an hour. He was quieter, more reserved. Closed-off. Almost cold. My heart raced for the entire conversation and it didn’t stop when he left. I was almost convinced that I was dreaming. When the time came that he had to go back to work, I was undeniable disappointed. He hadn’t even asked for my number. Which probably wasn’t much of a surprise, seeing as how I couldn’t shut up.

Half an hour later, I got up to leave. I pushed open the entrance and exit door, hoping that he would stop me. He didn’t.

Hours later, sitting at the bus stop after a long day, I mourn my loss, my missed opportunity. There was something about him that spoke to me. Despite our differences. We are kind of like coffee and cream. One bitter, one sweet. But still the perfect combination. I’m carried away with my thoughts, where I’m not so lonely. I still feel lonely as a random stranger takes a seat next to me on the bench.

Looking up at the hooded stranger, I see one golden curl escape. 


The author's comments:

It began with a coffee... and ended with a story...


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This article has 3 comments.


Beila BRONZE said...
on Aug. 4 2015 at 1:09 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

Okay, my feedback is an amalgam of Kestrel135 and MalaikaJ's comments, with my own two cents thrown in. :P (By the way, they're both such awesome writers; their feedback is worth a lot!) From Kestrel: I love the details, the relatability, the coffee and cream metaphor/title, and the shock ending! From Malaika: TENSES!!! Switching tenses is the #1 thing (in my experience) that detracts from the fluency of a piece and breaks the connection created between author and reader. I actually love that connection in this piece so much, so please don't ruin it by not proofreading. :( And then my opinion: I am so impressed with the way you weave in the introduction. Instead of making it sound like forced creativity, it actually builds up anticipation for the story, and I love that!!! Well done! And finally, I was a little bummed that even though you said "walking into your coffee shop" at first, the rest of the story talked about the guy in 3rd person. I was already so excited for the story to be in 2nd person! As a note to take into account in the future, you could have totally written this to him instead of about him, and I think it would have been awesome, so maybe experiment with that in the future? Seriously, though, you did a great job weaving in a lot of little pieces, so congrats. :) And best of luck in future writing!

MalaikaJ GOLD said...
on Aug. 3 2015 at 11:20 am
MalaikaJ GOLD, Cloquet, Minnesota
19 articles 2 photos 127 comments

Favorite Quote:
I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. - James Michener

The beginning was really cute. I love how you transitioned from the odds of being struck by lightning to the coffee shop. You did switch back and forth between the past and present tense, so you might want to proof-read it one more time. But it was great!

on Aug. 2 2015 at 11:43 am
Kestrel135 PLATINUM, Waterford, Connecticut
43 articles 0 photos 256 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Respect existence or expect resistance"

This was a beautiful story! I love the mini introduction relaying the odds of being struck by lightning, and then tying it in smoothly with the story at hand. Your use of language helps events flow easily, and peppering in details such as sneezing while waiting in line and finding a cozy spot to sit make your character very relatable. They are completely ordinary, everyday things, details so small that most writers will overlook them, but the fact that you included them makes your character someone I can connect with easily. The metaphor of coffee and cream was handled beautifully as well, and the ending was a perfect cliffhanger that gave me chills! I did notice a few small things that impeded on the fluency of the piece. Namely, same words too close. For instance, you end the introduction with "The chance of me walking into your coffee shop, must have been roughly the same" and start the next line with "I walk into the small coffee shop...". At this point, the reader already knows that you are going into a coffee shop from the introduction, so saying it again is redundant. Maybe use a synonym for shop in the second line? The only other time I noticed this was when you were comparing the main character to the golden-haired boy, saying "...my eyes didn't sparkle like his did, that they... the way his did." This could just have been me, but repeating the 'his did' twice in the same sentence took away from the fluency of the piece. Both instances hardly took away from the piece and are easy fixes. Other than those, this was an amazing read. I loved the story and the relationship growing between the main character and the golden-haired boy, and kudos to you on that awesome ending! You have a way with words. Keep writing!