He tattooed his name on his chest because he was afraid, afraid of waking up on morning, don’t knowing who he is. So he can look into the mirror and he will be reminded of who he used to be. But instead, every morning when he looked into the mirror, he got reminded of how scared and weak he was. He couldn’t handle it, he was overwhelmed, afraid about how the future will be. He was a soft soul trapped in a weak body that just wasn’t protective enough for this tenderness. He has never fit in the pattern. He always was the disturbing component. How will he find his place in the world if he doesn’t know who he is?
He grew up in the middle of nowhere, everyday the same people, the same thoughts and opinions, made by generations in a time he wasn’t even born. And the general opinion was, that everything different is not just bad but also dangerous and objectionable. And that was his big problem, he was just different and in a tiny town where everybody knows everybody you can’t hide that you are different, every step you take gets documented, every mistake saved forever. It didn’t took him long to get, that that is why he had no friends, he was the one the people could talk about when there was no other scandal, when no one died or got pregnant, he was their running gag, the one who saved their boring afternoons. So he started to minimize the contact to everyone, in his free time, after school and helping at home, he would stay at home in his room, not talking to anybody. Not even to his family, because they where just the same, an old family who lived in the town forever, his dad was the owner of big parts of the surrounding land. He was the oldest son and for his dad a failure especially because his siblings were just the right way. His little brother was everybody's sunshine, funny, social, charmant, the completely opposite of him. And then there was his little sister, daddy’s princess, the youngest, a pretty and cute girl. They were loved by their parent’s friends, their grandparents and their neighbours. For christmas his siblings used to get the good presents, he the gift cards. His younger brother was the one who got daddy’s car for his birthday, not he. His brother was the one his daddy introduced as his successor, not him. And all this just assured him in thinking that he is less worth just because he is different. He didn’t even knew what made him so different from everybody else. Maybe the fact that he was a thinker, a philosopher, someone who would ask ‘Why?’. Maybe everyone else was just scared and confused because he didn’t act like a child in their opinion should act. Maybe they just didn’t know it better. But at least they could have tried to respect him, but they didn’t and so it happened to be that a little boy of the young age of 7 years starts to think about a world without him. 7 years!  He was only 7 years old, when he thought for the first time about how perfect his family would be without him. He was a child, he was so small, thin, defenseless, he still needed protection, but inside he was an old soul, grown and strengthened by the thoughts he made in the nights when anyone else was sleeping peacefully but he was laying on his bed awake staring at the ceiling for hours.
The years went by and he got older, and as he got older he started searching for something in his life that will keep him alive. Something that is worth to live and fight for. It was a day like everyday when he finally found something, better he found someone. By now he was grown to a young men of 17 years. In the last 10 years he not just grown taller but also admitted that the people in his hometown will never like or at least accept him. And with awareness comes ignorance. He built a wall around himself, a wall of ignorance, to protect himself from all the teasing and beating he had to experience his whole life. He didn’t show any emotions or interests. The only time he allowed himself to let the wall fall, was when he was lying in his bed at night and tried to process everything that happened that day. For him that was nothing but hurting his soul, but he liked the pain, it showed him for one little moment that he was still alive. At this moments he was wondering if he really was alive or if he was just existing, if this is all there was, if that’s everything life had planned for him. On this cold day in november he reached a point in his life where he nearly had accepted it, but life wouldn’t be life if it hadn’t got a plan for everybody. That was the day he met her, she was his fate and destiny, she tried to saved him. He saw her for the first time when he was sitting at the bus stop waiting to finally come home and hide behind the walls that are home and prison at the same time for him. She was sitting on the other side of the street apparently waiting for the bus in the other direction. It was a rainy day and every time a car drove by, dirty water would splash and make his shoes so wet, that after 10 minutes he couldn’t feel his toes anymore. But he didn’t care about that or the fact that his whole body was shaking because of the coldness. He couldn’t see the sign on the billboard that tells that there are no busses coming today, or all the people hurrying around trying to get out of the rain as fast as possible, or the leaves everywhere on the ground transforming into a big, muddy, brown carpet covering the pavement. The only thing he could see was her, sitting on the bench staring at the corner of the street waiting for the bus. She was focusing it like she needs to be the first one to recognize it. While he was watching her, he was wondering who she is, where she comes from and how she landed in this little town where nothing new happened since they brought the landline in town. After her bus came and she left, he couldn’t clear his mind. He was so confused that he couldn’t think of something different than her. Something happened that she just broke down his whole protection wall the moment she appeared in his view out of nowhere. It took him the whole walk home and the following 2 nights to make his mind clear again and talk at himself that it would be the best for him to just forget her. But he just couldn’t, every time he thought he successfully forgot her, she appeared in his mind and he could see her clear and detailed like it was a picture. He could see her long black hair, her nearly white skin and her shining red raincoat. And even if he tried to avoid it, he already knew it. She was his first and last real love. She saved by sitting at this bus stop, at this day, at this time. But for him that was so much more.