"You were everything" I whispered to him. "You ARE everything." With every word, everything broke a little more.
He blinked. Once... Twice... He was planning. Like he did everything. Everything was and had blueprints. Nothing could be spontaneous, that's was one of the reasons I adored him.
He was my rock.
"No." That word... It doesn't matter if it's said hoarsely or with the strength of the Roman army behind it. It can breakdown the strongest walls. It could lay waste to tungsten. And it destroyed me.
My mouth dry. "What do you mean." It came out meek. Like a child. He used to call me that when I cried during Finding Nemo. But he also said it was cute.
More planning. Sketching out precise answers.
I wish he wouldn't do that. I wouldn't tell him that.
"You don't make my heart race. When I think about my life in 25 years I don't see you. I'm happy and married but it isn't too you. I have a dog and two kids and we're happy. And you are too but not with me. We see each other during the summer sometimes. Sometimes. But no. We are not soulmates. Our story isn't written in the stars because there isn't one. Nothing."
That was it.
I was frozen. I blinked. Once... Twice...
My hands shook. I wanted to tell him "No" too. I wanted the Roman army to stand behind my words too. I couldn't.
My heart pounded in ears. The world slowed down.
"Auden, listen to me"
I wish his voice still didn't sound like music to my ears.
" I'm going to go now, you can find a ride home right?"
No, no one would be able to pick me up. I told my mom I was staying at Annabel's. I wasn't. She hadn't talked to me in four months.
I nodded though.
He smiled.
I wish my heart didn't melt.
It did.
He kissed my forehead.
I stayed still. I didn't move. I heard his car pull out. I sank.
I hugged my knees and rocked back and forth.
My new J.Crew dress now seemed to stiff and my Jack Rodgers now seemed too scuffed. My earrings were too big. My necklace too flashy. My makeup too bright. The pearl headband I was wearing was too childish.
I felt the cold ground through my dress. It was hard and it made me ache but I could feel it and that meant this was real.
I wish it wasn't.
I didn't want it to be.
He was my sun and my moon and now I had to learn to see in the dark. My North Star burnt out. Without it. I'm lost.
I stayed on the ground for hours. I lost track of time. Why does time matter if I can't spend it with the one I love. I didn't cry. It didn't feel right. Nothing did.
I whisper "Conrad"
Testing out to see if his name still felt right rolling off my tongue. It did.
I wish it didn't. It was getting light again but I wasn't. I was still sitting there. If I moved then this couldn't be undone. But none of this could be undone. How we met, how I feel in love, how he made me fall so hard thinking straight was something I had given up on. Maybe that would make a good story one day. A tragedy even, except this one wouldn't end in death so suddenly. But what I think would make a great story was his story. Conrad’s view on all of this. Did he laugh? Did he know? Was I ever more than a pesky little sister to him? But that still wouldn't be enough. I craved our long insightful conversations, where maybe he talked a little too much but it was okay to me because I was always up for listening. I would stay awake pondering his answers to my questions. What do you think will happen to us in college? Do you remember this childhood memory? What is the real meaning of life? God or evolution?
I scoured over every inch for hours and hours, just to find new ways to fall in love with him. He never disappointed. The words he said held wisdom that I wasn't in the same world as. He saw the world has a puzzle and he was just trying to piece it all together. Nothing was ever simple because to be simple was boring. Boring was unexpectable to Conrad. You had to be exceptional for him. Because he was exceptional.