Thinking about her. That's what I’ve been doing for the last month, ever since she was killed. It hurts so much, sometimes I think I might be better off dead. Bella was my whole world. When I was about eighteen, my parents kicked me out because I told them I was gay. Well, gay isn’t really the right word for it I guess. “Biesexual”, that’s the right word. I still have nightmares about the night I told them. They were yelling at me, saying horrible things, like how selfish it is to be bi. Then, they said that I was going straight to hell for what I’ve done. But the thing that hurt the most was what they said before  I ran out of the house crying.   

 
My mother of all people, looked me straight in the eye and yelled, “You are a disgusting little s*** and you were the biggest mistake of my life. I should have just gotten rid of you while I had the chance.”

That’s when I ran to Bella’s house. I knew I would be safe there. Her parents understood why I had to stay with them. They said that I could stay with them as long I would like. Her whole family took me in and made me feel accepted and loved. They probably loved me more than my own family ever did. Ever since then, Bella and I have been attracted by the hip, never leaving each other's side for too long. Honestly, I think the longest time we spent apart was when Bella was at a track meet for the weekend. God, I sound so pathetic right now, but it’s true, I loved her with all my heart. The pain of her death is still there, but it has gotten more manageable. 

At the moment, I’m driving to Bella’s memorial. I‘m going to leave her favorite book there. “Caught in the Quiet” by Rod Makuen, I still don’t get why she loved it so much. I had always found it quite boring. Oh God I miss her!

When I finally get there, I’m amazed at how many people are still at the memorial. Then I see him: Bellamy. Bellamy was Bella’s older brother. You could see him from a mile away with his neon blue hair and the fact that he is 6’2” doesn't help either. He was there alot for me after my parents kicked me out. He made me feel like I was his little sister, which is kind of weird since I was dating his younger sister. I’ve been avoiding him ever since Bella died, but luckily he doesn't see me. If he did see me, he would want to talk to me, and if he talks to me I’ll probably start to cry again. While I’m walking over to the memorial, all I can hear is the sound of my black heels clicking and the chatter of people off in the distance. When I finally get to the memorial in the middle of the park to leave the book, I see all the drawings, notes, and pictures people have left for Bella. As I stand there, I have noticed that no one has come over and talk to me. It wasn’t like I was trying to hide, and everyone know that we have been dating for two years! Wow, has it really been that long? Not that I’m complaining. Looking at the photos people have left, I start to think of all the amazing memories we have had together, when I notice that I have started to cry. I quickly wipe away the tears that have fallen and put the book down. People start to bring out candles with golden angles on them. That is when I realized how dark it is and, I started to walk to my car now. After I finally get there, I can’t hold back the tears any longer. I start balling my eyes out and I try and stop, but I can’t. I try to be strong, but I can't anymore. In that moment, I decide to go to her grave, thinking that going there will somehow make me feel better.
When I finally get there, I see these beautiful dark purple flowers. Purple was Bella’s favorite color. Kneeling down on the damp grass, trying to not get my black dress messy, I start to grab handfuls of the flowers. While I pick the flowers, a nice warm breeze blows my short blonde hair around, making me temporarily blind. After I have gotten about a dozen or so flowers, I start walking to her grave. Once I get there, I see someone has already left some things.

There is a jar of sea glass and a huge sea shell. Looking back at all the memories we have had together. Walks on the beach, collecting sea glass, and watching all the Harry Potter movies at once. Now all I can think about is how much I miss her and how much I wish I could tell her I love her one more time. Hug her one more time. Kiss her one more time. Laugh with her one more time, even just see her. I can still see her long black hair blowing in the wind and I can still imagine how soft her hair is, but I’ll never see her again. I reach out to touch her grave, trying to connect with her again. I place the flowers down and start to walk away, but as I walk way, something catches my eye: another gravestone with a framed picture in front of it. It is to dark to see it from where I am because it is so dark out. I walk closer trying to read the name on the grave and see the photo. I see the photo first. It was a picture with Bella and I on the beach. A wave of fear and confusion wash over me. I look to read the name on the grave, wondering why someone would have a photo of Bella and I on it. The stone reads “Diana Smith”. That’s my name. Am I really dead or am I just dreaming? If I am then how am I still here, seeing thing, feeling this, feeling the pain of losing Bella? If I’m dead then why isn’t Bella here with me? I can only think of one thing. I decided to go home to my old apartment, the one I shared with Bella. If she is alive, then she would be there. If she is dead she would probably be there. It’s not that far from here, maybe half a mile, so I start running. So I’m dead now, but how did I die? How long have I been dead? Is the same thing happening to Bella right now? God I hope not. Just the thought of Bella alone and scared makes me sick to my stomach. I know she can take care of herself, she reminds me almost every day. But still, I’m her girlfriend. I feel like I have to protect her. I finally get to my apartment and the door is locked. Figures. I look for the spare key but I can’t find it. Using all my strength, I bust the door down. When I’m finally inside I look around and all of our stuff is gone. I walk into the middle of the living room, nothing is anywhere. I guess since I’m dead they took all of my stuff away. Now, there is nothing for people to remember me, like I was never alive. Feeling the tears stream down my face, I don’t care anymore since no one can see my cry. My legs start to give out. I fall to the ground with a hard thud. Sobbing that is all I can do. All I can think is that now I am truly alone now. It feels like I’ve been crying for hours, but it’s only been 15 minutes. I start to stop crying. I exhausted myself by crying, how pathetic. I finally stop and just lay on the cold ground alone. Than I hear something in the other room, like foot steps. I don’t move to see who it is. What’s the point of doing that? It’s not like they could see me. The footsteps are getting closer.

“Diana?”

That’s when I wipe my head around. Then I see her: Bella. I stand up and quickly go to her. “It’s ok Diana, this is real. I can really see you.”

I put my hand out to grab her hand. I can actually feel her, her soft skin against mine. I entwine my fingers into her and squeeze her hand. She squeezes back.

“Are we really dead?’’ I ask looking down, too scared to look at her, scared of what her answer will be. Bella brings her hand up to my chin and gently lifts my head up to look at her.

”Sadly yes.”

“But how?”

She moves her hand from my chin and cupped my face, “It doesn't matter now. But we have to go.”

“Go where?”

“Oh you’ll see.”

She starts walking out the door, dragging me along with her. I gladly go with her just happy to be with her, holding her hand.

We have been walking for what seems like hours. The sun is just now starting to rise. Is it weird that everything is more beautiful now that I’m dead? It’s like I appreciate it more now, knowing that I might actually leave this Earth soon. What if I never do leave this earth? We start to come up on a clearing in the middle of the woods. It’s full of beautiful little flowers scattered all over the place like little sprinkles. We walk into the middle of the clearing and we stop. We stand there for a while doing nothing, just standing there like we are waiting for something.

I finally speak up “What are we doing here? Are we waiting for something?”

Bella looks over to me “Just wait, you’ll see.”

She looks back to the forest. I try and look into the woods to see if something or someone is coming, but I see nothing. Then I see it, no bigger than an apple: a ball of bright, white light. It stops in front of us, and it starts to get bigger. I look over at Bella to see that she is smiling, so I figure I don’t have to worry. The white light just gets bigger and bigger until it is about six feet tall and five feet wide. Bella had been holding my hand the whole time, but when the light stops getting bigger she turns to me and puts both of her hands on my cheeks.

“Are you ready to go home Diana?”

Why are we here? What is the light going to do to us? What do you mean go home?

Knowing that whatever happens we will be alright, I go up to grab her hands, “If you are ready, then yes. Yes I’m ready to move on.” She smiles at me and turns back to the light and grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly. Dragging me along, Bella starts walking to the light. I just know that whatever happens everything will be alright. Now that I have Bella, nothing can hurt me. We walk through the light like it’s a door. When I am finally all the way though, I feel this warm feeling all over my body, like someone just wrapped me in a blanket. I feel so happy, like this is what happiness really feels like and we have been doing it wrong this whole time.

Now I am home.