“Love is an illusion something to distract you from what's really happening. It fools everyone” I take a drink and begin to ease back in my chair as my brother shakes his head and leaves not getting the answer that was expected. I hear him in the kitchen yelling on the phone to his friends “she's just wasting her life away…” I laugh and let the alcohol fill my veins. I linger to the bar downtown where i can blend with the crowds of people like me, all trying to let their feelings go away. I’m there with my usual group of nobodies and we are in our own worlds of color. I am spotted by a boy who has a bracelet of tattoos. “ You ready?” I hop on his bike grabbing his body to keep me in tact. We mosie to his place knocking over the neatly displayed objects along the apartment complex interior. “ Can you stay?” He caught me dancing out of the room… “ If I stay with you, i'll kill you bit by bit” I say as I slip on my violet dress stained with youthfulness and bad decisions. “ I won't let you…” he said sitting up reaching out to me but I shut the door sipping down a nip that was tucked in my boot, blinking away the tears of an angel and filling my waterline with the dryness of a devil.

The aching in my skull flows like a river of endless pounding. After all what else should I expect, it's a hangover. The dark clouds of my hangover will not fade until the late afternoon so I head back to bed. I awoke to the light pounding of my hangover slowly going away, I then got dressed for work at the record store. Just before i leave, I peer at my reflection… I see a bright eyed girl with an angry neglected body, but beyond my eyes I see an innocent child screaming for help.  “Goodmorning Ember!” The hipster man who is my boss states in a jolly tone as if he isn't tired like everyone else in the world. Minutes turn into hours as I sit there watching people swirl in and out of the store. It gets colder and colder outside, which adds on to the rush, each person guessing each other's personalities through music… I hear a young girl yelling at her friends “ I love this singer ” her friend points at a Joan Jett album with googly eyes “No you idiot, we need to get something that people at our party will actually like!” She throws the album on the shelf crushing her friends soul. “How are people going to like us when we are playing lame music, huh Opal? No one likes grandma music” .The  girl picks up a cd with the words “ Top Hits ”. I ring them up watching them all leave together like a band of soldiers. I reminisce on that whole scene, thinking how the girl would've turned out if she bought the album and left her friends, how different and unique she could've been if she didn't feel the need to blend in.

“ Excuse me?” a familiar voice says,” can I buy this?”  I stare down observing the tattoos I had one laid my  eyes on. I look up and it's him, the one night stand. “Yes, hang on” I say as I become flustered and embarrassed. He is calm and steady as he waits for me. He buys a Queen album, one of my favorites… He sees me staring at the cover as I ring it up, “ You like Queen too, huh?” He says chuckling I nod as I keep focused. “ I don’t just like Queen, I love Queen. He then follows with the quick statement “ I think we both know that are favorite song is Bohemian Rhapsody it's the best song in the album” I nod and use a quick smile, as I type in each single digit of the bar code. I feel him looking at me, looking at my flaws and thinking that he could do better and have a much more beautiful healthy woman. I hand him the receipt touching his warm soft hands and gazing into his everlasting brown eyes making an imprint on each other's soul that would stay forever…

For the rest of the week he is all I think about… his touch, his smile, and his voice. I begin to take more notice into appearance, dressing more cautious in case he sees me one day. I realize this demon of a girl unravels into an Angel  becoming more vulnerable. Later that day, a distant friend asks me if I want to go get tattoos with her. I’ve always wanted one and only she knew i wouldn't deny a chance to finally get one. Arriving at the tattoo parlor I begin to conclude that I have no idea what kind of tattoo to get. When we get inside my friend is like a kid in a candy store, running around looking at sketches and making choices that she maybe later will  regret in life. “Oh my god Ember! I love this one” she points at an sketch of a bird with feathers that shade the colors of sea foam green and aqua blue. Every detail lightly crafted revealing a peaceful tone. “Ember what are going to get done?” She looks at me with enthusiasm and curiosity. “ I don't know yet” , I scan through the sketchbooks trying to find something that will express myself. I sit down and grab a pen and piece of sketch paper. I begin to draw a wolf but not just a wolf it's body is burning and fading into the paper with little embers flying around. I label the colors that I want and sit down in the chair.  My friend walks over to me “Ember that's beautiful where would you want it?” I point to my back on my upper shoulder blade. A man comes over with a mask and glasses covering half his face, he takes his seat and places his tools down. Just then he says “ Hey you're the girl from the record store”. My face turns a bright red and I nod. He takes the sketch from my hand staring at it for a few seconds I stare at him looking at my sketch through his eyes. He stands up, and looks through the rows of tattoo ink for the perfect colors, set up his station.

I don't mind it, the needle piercing me.In fact all I can feel is his hands on my back and that's all I really think about. He has one hand on my lower back to keep his arm steady. Just then greedy thoughts fill my mind and I want more of him. I shake those away trying to think rationally.”Finished” he says and I think to myself it felt like seconds almost missing it. As I'm paying I ask him what he is doing tonight, “Well I had concert tickets but no one to go with” he peers at me with a grin. I felt as if I was making a deal with the devil but I responded with “Well I would love to go” I don't know why I said that. I should've just left and never have agreed to go. “Well I'll pick you up at nine”. I agree looking down at one of his tattoos which said “love is..”

I dress in all black which isn't a surprise to most “ You look gorgeous” he says as we hop into the crowds of music and booze. We start grabbing red cups from people slugging down the bitter taste of the liquor, I feel his hands guide my face to his and he then goes in for a kiss. It felt like the music stopped, and I focused just on him, his lips tasted sweet, sweeter than I imagined. The taste still lingers when we break away, which makes me want him even more. I realize in those moments that it's happening… I'm falling for him. I keep the phrases in my head “love is a distraction”.

I feel like I can trust him, there's just something about him that makes me believe that he is safe. We become the King and Queen  of romance, running off into cities and dangerous places causing trouble. Nothing could bring us down, we spend almost every day with each other, we still work but we never go at least a week without seeing each other. One day I get the courage to ask him to come to a party with me. “Sorry Ember, but I have my own party tonight that I'm going to” he replies with a nudge of disappointment. “Okay, well just call me at 12 tonight so I know you didn't die” I say kissing him on the cheek. “I love you Ember” I reply back “I love you too”. I get ready with excitement as I throw on my favorite t shirt and eye makeup. I look different but in a good way. Everything is perfect, my hair straight and not a smudge or smear of any makeup out of place. The time goes by to be exact three hours, and i realize I already miss him. I expected a text, a call, something but there is nothing there. I get anxious and decide to just get it over with and call him. No answer, I text him, no answer. Hours pass and I get a text saying “Hey babe,long night. Going to bed, goodnight” I reply with “ okay sleep tight I love you” he reads it and twenty minutes later I get the text “love u too”.

I sit in bed wondering about that text, wondering about him almost feeling neglected for the next morning. I get excited for work today because maybe he will stop by, maybe if i dress right he will see me in the mirror and burst through the doors. Today I Get ready with precision, I pull my hair up with a red ribbon and dress simply. When i arrive into work i begin to play some records, it’s slow so why not?  I decide today, that i will clean up the store by sweeping and organizing. Soon the store turns into my concert as I sing and dance around… forgetting. As I turn to get a new record, i could’ve sworn I saw him brush by the shop, and i start to lose it. I turn the music louder on the player and i see him walk by again this time he stops gazing into my eyes but then turns away. The music stops abruptly and the record player smashes into a million pieces my fingers still attached to the volume knob. I stare at the fragments thinking just two seconds ago soothing music was playing happiness for hours  but smashed in seconds letting the soul be free from the box . i sweep up the record pieces the word love cracked straight down the middle on the record.

    Toward the end of the evening I find myself sitting on the floor with piles of unorganized records, I go to the register counter and snatch two bottles of whiskey. I let the piles bury me and I fall asleep. *Ding * my phone vibrates and i begin to dig through the piles for it, faster and faster I dig because maybe just maybe it’s him. Luck was on my side today the text message read “hey”. Why? Why did decide to respond in this manner?“ do you even like me anymore? Be honest.” it’s almost seconds after i sent that text that he responds, did he know? Did he know his answer from the beginning? Is this why he was texting me to just get me out the way? “ no” that was it. The word “no” so dull yet so harsh my eyes began to bubble with tears, they were hot and steamy burning by cheeks caving a thick carving of where my makeup was. When was he going to tell me? Lead me on like this. As i’m neglected in the dirt for the next few days, I weep feeling my core soft and vulnerable from this thing called love.

One night I get up from crying and I look at myself, and that’s when I feel it. My insides grow cold, and it gives me a chill down my spine. That was the day when I decided that love is a game not worth playing. I start a bonfire and burn almost everything of him. I scrub hard in the shower, so hard that my skin gets inflamed. I dye my hair to the darkest shade of brown and I burn every article of clothing he’s touched. For the grand finale I burn my phone a picture of me and him remaining on my homescreen burns, letting the memories die with it. It almost makes me want to spit on it realizing how ignorant and naive I was.

Months pass and I discover that i’m this cold lonely girl again, drinking yet this time all of my soul is gone. Just a cold lifeless body remains, I don’t eat or sleep anymore. My face sunken in revealing eyes of a dark demon. One night, the man I once knew walked by the shop to see me fighting with a customer usually I would just let the customer return what they have to return, but i’ve grown from that person, maturity sets in. When I saw him walk by my eyes grew helpless but my body remained cold. My body was like a capsule for leftover embers of love that once burned in my heart.

One morning i’m getting ready, and my brother tries his usual conversation with me about his life and how happy I should be. “ Ember, I have  something to talk to you about” he says looking down at his plate revealing that it wasn't a usual happy morning after all. “What?” I snap at him getting ready to leave the table. “ Well I got a call from, well um, that kid you have been with There is a lot of missed calls and I was hoping that you could talk to him to get him off my back.” the phone begins to vibrate for an incoming call, and I drop it by accident, hoping it would smash so I didn't have to answer it. I leave the table with my brothers phone, answering the call that I thought I would never get. “ Hi Ember?” I don’t respond. “ well if you're there i just wanted to apologize.” i begin to cut him off “ why? For what?” i clutch the phone harder because i think we both know why. “Hurting you ” I Almost choke as the words come out that should've never been spoken “ No it was my fault, I hurt myself for falling for you. It was my choice to be with you I should've thought about the consequences” I say as I stay collected, trying not turn into a mess. “ Don’t blame yourself, you don’t understand. Because of me.. You probably feel insecure, because of me thinking you're not good enough even though you are and when I look at you all see is the hurt I've caused I can't even look you in the eyes anymore without seeing what I did. I can't sleep knowing you are hurting. I'm sorry I thought I could say whatever I wanted. I don't know what I can do to help you, I mean, I want to help you. I want to be the one to get you back to the happy person you were, because it's all my fault. I'm sorry I made you drop everyone for me, I'm sorry I ditched you when we made plans. I want to help you. That's only if you'll let me. Please I need to know that you are happy. I want to hangout with you and go on adventures I want to be your medicine you are unique and amazing and I want you to be happy ” He finally expressed himself and it sort of made me smirk standing there in this chaotic mess. “ I mean if you think you can help then sure. I mean try your best haha” I say back trying to seem like i was alright. I realize that he was serious because he says ‘ I will try, and I will succeed’ and then he hung up. I realize that it was his doing.He got himself into the mess he hurt himself i was just the setup for a good play.

     I waited for him to call me or come to my house for weeks show some sort of effort but no one touches the dusty doorknob. One day my brother friends stop by and sit in the other room talking about girls and sports. I hear one of them say “ awe yo dude look at this cute couple, couple goals ”.I walk in getting curious asking if I could see. Maybe I can finally see what a real relationship looks like, what true love is. I look in amazement to see him, the person who thrived to help me on the phone just a week ago, now distracted by her. She was pretty… no beautiful. She wore an outfit that was similar to mine. She had that smile, the smile that was worn on  my face when I was with him. The smile that said “ I love this man”.

I write a letter to him that will never reach his eyes due to my kindness of not ruining his happiness and relationship. It speaks “Did you?.. Did you actually like me? Knowing I would be lying in bed at 3am crying. Knowing that I would look in the mirror EVERY damn day and cry. Did you do this knowing?Knowing that my life and my self esteem would fail? That I eventually I would think I have run out of tears. But, oh in that phase I was happy getting ready to see you putting on my makeup so effortlessly like I do everyday. Brushing my hair so precise and sleek for you. And making the right eye contact, the right tone of voice the right actions all for you. Did you know that I brushed away the men that desired me? The much better ones, the ones who could've stayed longer?  Did you know I dropped all my guys friends for you because you were jealous?  I went to a party got hammered, and  kept my emotions to myself. You went to a party got hammered and lost your emotions. Did you even realize while you were busy texting her I was waiting all night for you to reply? Did you? Did you realize that while I was kissing you I was too blind to see your eyes open to the messages she was sending you? Did you realize that I knew it wasn't gonna work but I kept trying and lost my dignity,lost who I was because I was too busy trying, to keep something that we never had alive. Meanwhile you were too busy to text me. Did you realize that I knew you didn't like me, and you swore to me you did, you know that I said to you if you don't it's okay, just don't break me don't make me become a monster,don't make me unleash a cruel vial demon,  but you did anyways. Now here I am hurting screaming on the inside while you are with her. Did you know that the girl before me was crying about you at three am knowing that you were texting me hurting screaming for help drowning. You knew didn’t you? You knew what was going to happen you knew you  would hurt me but I shall never to you. But you knew she would be you're “friend” that you met when we were together. But I thought nothing of it because I was ignorant. Now I'm drowning, screaming for help and It's getting hard to breathe.My heart’s slowly cracking, reminding me of the choice I made. Sometimes if I have to I look at the two of them together on the media just to cry to make sure I still feel something.

I wake up to a light pounding.. I realize it was another dream but instead of the original it was the boy with a bracelet of tattoos this time. Most people wonder why I almost can't answer the questions “Can you stay” after every hookup…