Nation’s Teachers Shocked as Virus Sweeps School System
April 8, 2011
Washington DC - Schoolteachers across the nation expressed their horror and grief as the CDC released a bulletin about a virus that has been decimating honors student populations across the nation.
The report notes that the virus is non-lethal and only affects those who are unlucky enough to find themselves on the honor rolls of high schools across the nation, which means that less than 1% of the American population is vulnerable to the mysterious virus.
Though no one knows how the disease began, experts are convinced that the pathogen spread thanks to the students’ extreme perfectionism. As CDC epidemiologist Kaveri Patel stated in a press conference, “these students are so focused on obtaining perfect attendance and perfect grades that they will attend school at all costs.”
The CDC reported that infected students would not begin to manifest the primary symptom of extreme apathy until several days after symptoms resembling influenza began, and thus would infect scores of other students until they dropped out.
The spread of the disease has been exacerbated by these elite students’ dating habits: they tend to date within the highest-achieving students of their classes, which, combined with a certain amount of profligacy, led to the disease’s rapid spread.
AP Calculus teacher Brian Reading had a surprisingly positive view of events, however. “The past few days have been great! Half of my class has dropped out, and I’m only getting 4 or 5 emails a night desperately begging for extra credit or a 2% bump in grades. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all this free time!”
Coffee shop owners and teachers who are paid based on standardized test scores were far more concerned about the sickness than later-year teachers such as Mr. Reading.
To put a human face on this educational tragedy, this reporter obtained an exclusive tour of a local former honors student’s room. Anna Schwartz, 17, was the valedictorian of the senior class until she was tragically afflicted with what some are derisively calling “Smart People’s Disease”. Her tearful parents, Karen (48) and Daniel Schwartz (47) lead your correspondent around their house, now suddenly devoid of their daughter’s intelligence.
Anna sits on the couch watching Jersey Shore reruns and refuses to answer any questions. Her parents choke back emotions as they show off their mantle, stuffed to the brim with Anna’s first-place trophies in soccer, lacrosse, debate, violin, and academic team. The sea of gold (no silver or bronze to be found here, no) shines in pointed contrast to the forlorn Anna and the orange reality stars cavorting on the television.
Her parents lead this reporter up to Anna’s room, where, they stammer, she would have been doing homework on this rainy Saturday. Her bookshelves, once laden with red and green AP, SAT, and ACT review books, now only hold the remnants of her former academic life: the scores of books she had been assigned in her advanced literature classes, as well as the recent addition of Snooki’s book.
“She was such a great student,” Karen sobs, “now look at her!” With trepidation, she turns on Anna’s computer, which now only has gossip site TMZ open on the front page. She opens her bookmarks, which are filled with the many SparkNotes that correspond to the books on her shelves, and shows her files, which seem to all have been written by a nocturnal creature.
Unfortunately for students like Anna, the damage may be irreversible, and they may have to readjust to being members of normal society.
“Like, that’s what I, like, always wanted anyways. Whatever,” says Anna.
This epidemic may have a far more profound effect than drastically lowered international competitiveness, though. Industry executives everywhere are now severely concerned about their imminent drop in revenue thanks to students’ lack of motivation. Blizzard Games, makers of World of Warcraft, predicted a dip of over 78% in the upcoming month thanks to these top-achieving students, citing a lack of need to procrastinate among the élite set.
As this lackadaisical attitude spreads across the country, universities and prep schools are shutting down. Students, professors, and deans have stopped going to classes or work, and are now choosing to stay at home in sweats and wifebeaters, drinking beer and watching Lifetime movies.
One neuroscience professor spoke to us from where he was holed up in his natural disaster/zombie apocalypse/Cylon takeover shelter. Kenneth Cheng, 38, said that “the mechanisms of intellectual development in this country have begun to implode, and we will be thrust back into the Dark Ages. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if everyone started believing that the heart is the center of thought and the Earth is at the center of the universe again.”
There may be a greater concern at hand than the intellectual development of the United States grinding to a halt, though. Our contact at the US Department of Defense, also holed up in a secret Pentagon facility along with the top brass of the US military, said that the entire facility has been shut down as contractors, lower-level military personnel, clerks, and advisors simply refuse to come to work.
“We don’t know how we’ll develop new weaponry or continue to wage war on three different countries without any intellectual work whatsoever. The world order may collapse without our intervention!”
The President, a known intellectual, was last seen watching Full House reruns and thus could not be reached for comment on the dire situation now facing the world.
Looting is expected to begin Tuesday, shortly followed by the apocalypse.