It was finally the day Bill had been looking forward to all his life. Years of intense exercise, studying for tests, and brain- numbing final exams had led to this moment. He could finally start his dream job as elf on the shelf. With his bags in hand he looked out at the packaging area. He patiently waited in line to be sealed into his honorary graduation box. Bill couldn’t wait to see what adorable children he would get to report on!

Since being sedated with love was mandatory before shipment, Bill didn’t remember the next week at all. (Santa didn’t want the elves to puke in the truck). What he did remember however, was the hot air that hit his face as he saw the top of his box lifted. Bill found it difficult to sit still from all the excitement. He was now officially an elf on the shelf! He was so pumped he almost pooped his pants! Calm down he told himself you know how hard it is to clean gumdroppings off of felt underwear! Only words could not help him because he felt his body being lifted from the package! He opened his eyes to see… an old wooden ceiling fan? He could feel his suit dampening with the sweat from his new owners hands. He glanced up to see an obese woman in her 50’s or so, smoking a cigarette. This isn’t right. He thought. Where are the smiling children… the bright lights of the Christmas tree… the freakin’ hot coco?!? You can’t have Christmas without hot coco! Racked with fear, he recalled the time when he spiked his friend Jojo’s eggnog with chocolate syrup. Maybe Santa was punishing him. He suddenly regretted laughing as Jojo tried to flirt with a Barbie doll.
“Hey Barb’! You best com’en down ‘ere!” the woman bellowed. “I gots a present for ya!”
Oh great Bill thought. I’m sure the kid is cute and innocent right? Actually, he couldn’t be more wrong. Stumbling down the stairs came a teenager wearing a to-tight shirt and jeggings. The mom thrust Bill toward her face.
“What is this?” she asked.
“An elf on ‘a shelf. I is gettins yous inta the Christmas spirit.” she replied. The daughter just snorted and strutted out of the room. Yeah? Well I’ll give you a little Christmas spirit you won’t forget! Thought Bill. You wanted a new IPad for the holiday? Well guess what, you’re getting a leopard print Snuggie!
“That girl.” the mom said, and tossed Bill onto the counter.
It was at that moment that he lost all hope in life. That may seem very dramatic and sudden to you but as a creature that was raised by magical creatures that sang songs all day… this was pretty bad. However, he was an elf on the shelf so he proceeded to do his duty, even if every day was worse than the last. Night after night he slaved away filling out performance reviews about the family. Day by day he stalked them taking note of all their actions. Boy did he have a lot to tell his elf friends about! Sometimes he would go back to the same potion he was at the night before. They didn’t even notice! Needless to say he did not come back to that house and retired afterwards.