Smoke. When I think back on my life this is all I see. It clouds my vision, blocking out all of the light, creating a distortion in my past. The smoke is not the white, ethereal kind that ascends to the heavens from the smoldering remains. It is heavy, black, and dirty, slithering out from the heart of the fire, looming over the earth, coating everything in it’s darkness. And when I manage to peer through these clouds, I can see myself — a shadow, drifting with the smoke in pursuit of a false truth.
Many years have swept by since I last spied the town of Blackwater, the home of my youth — and a few of my intermediate years. The town was located in an isolated valley, bordered by a once blue lake. It had turned to a sickly gray, almost black color, from which the town earned it’s name. Years of coal burning had sucked the life out the sky, creating a smog that loomed over the area, sprinkling ash on the ground sporadically. When the showers drifted by the main town, they left behind a thin film, making the people of Blackwater like the lake that provided them life. But they had grown accustomed to it — and they didn’t care. They took the black sludge that spewed from their faucets and swallowed it whole, without question.
I was one of these people. We all had the same pale complexion, clothes, and drawl on our vowels when we spoke. It was these things that separated us from the animals. We were civilized — we had order. They were not. And even though they resembled us, having names and a primitive language, they were inferior in some inexplicable way. Perhaps it was the subtle differences, like the color of their skin, that separated their species from ours. Or maybe it was just because god’s word told us it was so. Regardless of reason, Blackwater was divided into the town, where we lived, and the fields, where the animals toiled on endlessly. The men of the town worked the fields as well, but in a different manner. We were the shepherds, herding the sheep, maintaining the order that they were incapable of grasping. For almost half a lifetime I was out there, but I can only clearly see a few days in my memory that stick out amongst the clouds…
“It’s hotter than hell out here!” Mark announced in a brash voice, “My ----- are so g----- sweaty. Why the hell are we still here John?”
I glared at him with. “Our shift ends in another 10 minutes — that’s why.”
“These thing’s ain’t caused no commotions all day. We could head out a little early.”
The thought turned over in my head for a moment. “You always run from watch duty. But fine, we’ll clock out in 5.”
Mark turned away, satisfied with my answer, began to wander away, only to be stopped after a short distance. I saw him tense up and felt his smile transform into a deep burning scowl.  “Get back to work you dumb beast!!” He barked.
But it didn’t listen. He (It was unmistakably male) remained in place, motionless.
“Don’t make me use these!” Mark yelled, gesturing toward his metal baton and gun.
With these threats, the beast broke from it’s trance and began to rise, and I could see him in his entirety. He was enormous, towering over Mark, clasping a spade that seemed tiny in his trembling fist. His face was drenched in sweat, which glistened on his dark skin, and twisted, filled with red hot fury. The thing could have pulverized Mark into a fine dust — but it didn’t. Instead the beast opened it’s mouth, releasing a deliberate shout in his language that was incomprehensible to our minds. The other animals all stopped for a moment, hearing his words, understanding him. He then started to raise his arm, perhaps to throw down his shovel in defiance. Mark saw this and went for his gun, but the creature had already stopped. It collapsed to the ground, a mountain of flesh a bone, emitting a loud silence, broken only by the sound of metal scraping into the earth.
“Gettin’ a bit slow there lil’ bro! Must be all that weight you’ve gained.” Mark’s twin brother Matthew trotted up, on his horse, with a wide smile. “And John, it seemed like you weren’t even here! You guys need’a pick up the slack.”
“I would’ve ‘ad it if you didn’t show up.” Mark muttered.
“Ah, don’t lie to yourself.” Mark said playfully, “I was always better than you at taking care of things like this, even when we were kids.”
“Just shut up. Why are you even here?”
“Me and the mayor are looking for an offender. Number 90499.”
“ We’ll help you look.” I interjected.
That was what Matt was waiting for. “That’d be great. Mark, Why don’t you check that goliath I just put down?”
Mark’s face turned a little red and he dragged his feet as he walked, tossing dirt in the air. The two were always like that, bickering over the littlest things. As kids, they fought over who had stomped on the most ants or who killed the most rats, and this was no different. Mark rolled the heap of flesh on it’s stomach and read the number singed on it’s back. “9-0-4-9-9. This dumb thing is the one you want.” 
Matt’s smile faltered only a little. “Well, that’s not too bad. I guess I gotta head to the shacks. You guys want to tag along for a bonfire?”
I knew my answer already, before he even asked it. I never enjoyed the fires and the smoke was unsettling to me. My mouth began to open, prepared to decline.
“You know we do.” Mark said quickly, shoving words down my throat. “I’ll string the beast up and John, you can get the horses.”
Before I had any chance to argue, I found myself amongst the rickety shacks where the animals resided. The area was filthy, and made me uneasy. Occasionally, one would peer out of entryway and see the beast that dragged behind us. They were smart enough to know what was coming. The mayor had also joined up with us easing my nerves a little. He was the leader of the town and of the faith which made his presence calming. We continued on, and when we approached our destination, the sky turned dark and ash began to drizzle down on us. It’s intensity continued to increase and by the time we arrived all four of us were coated with the stuff, our skin and clothes almost as black as the animals.
“Mark, Matt, go clear the beasts out. And John, get your gun ready.” The mayor directed, as he slid off his horse.
We each did as we were told, Mark and Matt entered the shack, truncheons in hand, and I took my gun out, almost dropping it in my sweaty palms. A scream echoed from inside followed by a few grunts. Mark reappeared, his faced strained, dragging a female with one hand, who thrashed about attempting to escape, and a shotgun in the other. “I found this one trying to hide this gun underneath some straw.”
“Bring her here, and the gun too. I wanna ask a few questions.” The mayor said.
Mark obeyed and brought her over, kicking her into the dirt.
“Do you know where this came from?” He asked, holding the gun.
She shook her head no.
“Do you know who that is?” He pointed to the mound of flesh tied to Matt’s horse.
She began to tremble, letting out a little yelp, and I could tell that the answer was yes. There was something in her eyes, despair, pain, fear, or even a pleading for help, that seemed familiar, in an eerie way.
“Will we find anything else in your house?” He kneeled, gripping the shotgun.
Her trembling slowed for a moment, and she once again shook her head, no. But at that same moment a Matt emerged from the shack with two more males.
“It is a sin to lie.” The mayor said calmly, shaking his head slowly, and pulling the trigger to the shotgun. He then rose and moved to the other two beasts, who had already tasted the earth. “I am ashamed.” He began, “Ashamed of you. We have given you a chance to fulfill god’s great plan, and you rejected it. We have given you meaning. Your kind would exist without any purpose if it we did not have the kindness to give it to you. But we still come across those like you, who have the gall to dismiss this generosity.” He paused for a moment, looking at the creatures before him. One had his eyes closed and hands clasped together, murmuring words to himself. The mayor noticed this and raised his voice. “And even now, in your final moments, you still try to defy us and god!” He smacked the beast with his baton. “Listen to the words I say! I am trying to talk to you, trying to give you a chance to feel like a human, something you could never understand in your insignificant excuse for a life! And you still reject it, the same way you rejected the will of god. You just take what we give you and spit it back out!” His voice had raised to a shout and he continued to wail on the creature, unrelenting, creating a flurry of grey and red. “But you cannot fight god!” He swung the baton one more time and it was over. The mayor rose, his face and hands covered in red, leaving one of the beasts in the dirt, unmoving. Luke’s breathing was heavily, but in a composed way as he caught his breath. He wiped his face off with a handkerchief followed by his hands methodically, then spoke again. “John, take care of the other one and send them up in smoke.” 
I followed these directions and walked up to the remaining beast. His body shook as I pointed my gun at his temple. My finger stroked the trigger and I prepared to shoot. But before I did I looked at the thing’s eyes and saw something. His eye’s stared back into mine with burning intensity. I saw fire in his pupils, defiance and anger, while still seeing fear and uncertainty. He knew he was looking into the eyes of the man who could end his life, but still held to some hope that his life would not mark the end, like he stood for something that we could not kill with weapons. I stood there, frozen by those eyes, trying to work out the complexities that laid within them — trying to understand what I was seeing. I lowered my gun and stood still, lost in my thoughts, only to be interrupted by the sound of a gunshot.
“What the hell are you waiting for?” Mark holstered his gun. “Let’s get this fire started!”
After that I remember very little. The shack was lit on fire and the sky grew a little darker that day. One thing that I can recall is the coldness that I felt despite the intense heat of the flames. We returned to the town afterwards and that was that, for most of us. But I could not get those eyes out of my head. When I went to sleep that night I dreamed, and saw them once more. I was back at the shack, standing there pointing my gun at that animal. But it was night this time, the only light coming from a single lantern which floated, omnipotent, in the dark sky above. Beads of sweat rolled down my forehead and I once again stroked the trigger, ready to fire. I looked down and saw the eyes. In them I could see a reflection of the lantern, I could see the anger, the fear, all of it. My mind raced, scrambling to decipher their meaning. Then I looked at his face and my body shivered. It was not an animal. It was me. I was staring at myself, seeing the same things I saw in that animal — in me. I was so baffled, so lost. I pulled the trigger, and the lantern was snuffed out, it’s flames extinguished in an instant. The world plunged into darkness, and I spun around and around until it consumed every fiber of my being.
That morning, when I woke, I felt different. Something inside me had changed forever, smothered in the night. The dream was fresh in my memory, and I saw through the lies I had been fed for so long. The “animals” were not truly inferior to us. We denied them the chance to fulfill their full potential and kept them oppressed, pretending that it was the will of god. I had helped enforce such injustices and killed so many of them. I had destroyed the lives of people, not mere animals. I needed to change, to cleanse my hands of their ashes. So I went to talk to the mayor.
When I arrived, I told him of my new beliefs and feelings, while he sat there, taking it all in. Once I had finished the mayor rose speaking in his calm demeanor. “That is a very interesting point of view John. Perhaps the animals are people. But your reasoning has one flaw.” His hand reached for something in his pocket. “You reject god.” His baton collided with my face and everything went black.

I felt pain all over my body, and woke up in the fields, surrounded by animals. “You are a hypocrite.” The mayor stood over me. “You say that I am a bad person for treating this creatures this way, but you are no different. How many of them have you killed John? Just as many as me. You think that changing your beliefs can make any of it go away? The things you have done cannot be erased. They are a part of you and no matter how hard you scrub you will never be clean. I follow the god’s will and am pure. You fight it and blacken your soul. Blackwater can only survive if we all remain pure. Heretics like you need to be removed.”
I had had enough of his nonsense. My body was in agony. “Stop lecturing and kill me.”
He chuckled. “You know that I speak the truth. At the end of the day you are a monster in your own eyes, no matter how long you deny it.” He pulled out his gun. “I just thought you should know that before you die.”
I wanted to believe that these were lies too, but I knew better. I was just as bad, and deep down I had always known it. There was blood on my hands that I could not wipe away, no matter what. I accepted it and looked up at him, staring into his eyes. They were deep brown, almost black. I saw an intensity, like fire, but it was distorted and made me feel cold. He was an animal — just like me.
“Good-bye John.” He smiled, raising his gun up to my forehead. But that was all the mayor got to do. One of the beasts came up behind him and smacked him in the head with a shovel. He fell to the ground and the beast got on top of him, continuing to bash into his skull. I could hear his bones shatter and saw blood splatter everywhere. Once the beast stopped, there was nothing recognizable left. Only a heap of flesh and blood. They were just like us.
Other beast began to stop working and I realized what was unfolding. They were rebelling, preparing to exact revenge on the town. I am sure they had the same blackness in their eyes, but I didn’t stick around to find out. Instead I ran, my body aching in every step. There was nothing left for me in Blackwater. Only lies, death, and ash. I looked back only once. And I saw a black sky, weeping ash down on the entire valley, swallowing the town into darkness.
Many years have passed by me since that day, but this memory still haunts me now, even though I have run so far away and buried my past so deep. It keeps coming back, reminding me of the shadow that I only want to forget. Nothing can cleanse me of its torment, I cannot repent. I keep running, keep hiding, but at the end of the day, it always finds me, surrounding me in smoke, turning me to ashes.