Hego Tistic gazed admiringly at himself as he lie in bed. With long golden locks, a chiseled face, massive pecs, and rock hard abs, he was the epitome of handsomeness. He knew it was a good idea to have a room wide mirror installed on his ceiling. He felt a little chilly sleeping without a blanket or clothes for that matter, but how else would he be able to take in the full extent of his magnificent body?
“Good morning sir.” his new squire Carl said as he opened the door and walked into the bedroom. Carl was 15 years old, well built, and quite tall for his age. He was a nice enough kid, but for some reason never made eye contact with Hego in the morning.
“It seems i forgot to sleep again.” Hego thought to himself as he regrettably tore his eyes away from his godly figure to get out of bed. Luckily he had installed wall length mirrors on all four of his walls as well. He tried to do the floor too, but after he had slipped and knocked himself out on one of his bedposts, it was quickly removed. Dressed like it was his birthday, Hego did some morning stretches while staring straight into his own eyes. “So what are today’s plans?” He asked after he finished.
“Well,” Carl said as he stuck some clothes out for Hego to wear, “The princess seems to have run off to another tower out in the middle of nowhere and the King has requested for you to go rescue her.”
Hego took the clothes out of Carl’s hands, who seemed to be looking everywhere but at him. “As expected of her highness,” he said admiringly, “That’s the 50th time this month! She finds towers almost as fast as i go through squires” Carl paled a little at this comment and let out an audible gulp. Hego dressed himself in some skin tight white pants with gold stripes and a gold cape with white stripes. He liked matching. It went without saying that he wouldn’t wear a shirt for he had never even owned a shirt in his life. Hego giggled as he made his pecs dance in the mirror.
“Your name really does suit you,” Carl observed.
“Yes, it’s quite manly isn’t it.” Hego agreed as he turned his head to the side to kiss his bicep. He walked over to the table where his sword and scabbard lay and put them on. “Well let’s get going.” he said as he grabbed his three foot wide hand mirror off his night stand. They left his bedroom in the left wing of the palace and passed through the main hall, on their way out to the court yard. Hego made sure to flex as he pushed open the door of the hall. Outside of which stood their two horses already prepared for them. His was obviously the immense stark white destrier, which was several hands taller than Carl’s shaggy highland pony. He had taken the monstrous horse from this weird looking old guy with a pointy hat. The old guy had given him a stupid name which was reason enough to take it while he was sleeping. He mounted Shatdoughfacts, which was quite hard considering the sheer size of him, as well as the three foot mirror in Hego’s hand. Carl followed suit and they headed off towards the tower 37.65 miles away.
After an hour of hard riding something occurred to Carl. “How did the princess even get this far away?” Carl asked stupidly.
Hego moved his eyes away from the image of his hair flowing in the wind on the mirror and looked at Carl like he was stupid. “Are you stupid?” he asked.
“What?” Carl asked because it seemed like something redundantly repetitive had just taken place.
“Everyone knows that princesses can teleport.” Hego explained, “How do you think they get by the dragons?”
“Oh, I guess that makes sen- wait dragons!” Carl cried out as the blood drained from his face.
“Shut your face. We’re here.” Hego warned as they went around a bend on the road and came upon a clearing in the forest. Situated in the center of the clearing was a sinister looking tower. It had dragon perched on the top of the tower and even what appeared to be a lava moat. The tower itself was pitch black and it seemed like it once had a red door but it was painted black. The only way to get across the moat to the tower was by a rickety old wooden rope bridge that looked to have seen better days. Hego and Carl left their horses tied to the trees at the edge of the clearing and hid behind a rock about 100 feet away from the castle. Carl unsheathed his sword as yet another ‘great’ question occurred to him.
“Where did all this lava come from?” Carl asked idiotically.
Hego looked at him like he was an idiot and asked, “Are you an idiot?”
“What?” Carl asked because it seemed like something redundantly repetitive had once again taken place.
“If fire comes out the front end of a dragon, what do you think comes out the back end?” Hego asked as if speaking to a two year old.
“Oh, I guess that makes sense.” Carl said coming to his senses, “So how are we going to get past the dragon?” Carl asked, losing his senses once again.
“Well it’s quite obvious what will happen,” Hego explained, “You will go and try to cross that very sturdy looking rope bridge over there.”
“What?!? Why me? What about the dragon?” Carl asked terrified.
“Dude stop with the questions already. One per page is your limit now.” Hego said as the reader realizes the fourth wall had just been broken. “It’s probably a statue anyways. You’ll be fine.” He said with a reassuring smile that gleamed in the sun like his mirrors after he spent a whole day polishing them.
“But, you said-”
“He said, she said, you said, I said. It could have been anybody.” Hego said using his mad logic skills to confuse Carl, “Now get going!” He gave Carl a push which sent him sprawling and almost disemboweling himself right then and there.
“Man that is why you don’t run with scissors.” Carl said to himself, not the reader. For he had not yet obtained the power to break the fourth wall. He picked himself up and started to slowly make his way towards the, furthest thing from sturdy, bridge. He glanced back to make sure Hego was watching. He wasn’t. Dripping sweat by the buckets, he finally arrived at the very flammable rope bridge. Carl shook with nervousness and jumped up and down, as he attempted to pump himself up to cross the bridge. When he judged that he had successfully pumped himself up to a sufficient degree he hesitantly put his right foot on the first plank of the bridge. Carl winced as the board made a strange creaking sound, but in the end it held. Gaining a bit more confidence, he began to steadily make his way across the rope bridge. When he was about halfway across, Carl looked up at the dragon on top of the tower that really didn’t look much like a statue. Especially when at that moment it took flight and did an eagle dive right at Carl. He barely had time to scream before the dragon let loose a breath of flames. Carl and the bridge instantly combusted into a short lived bonfire, before succumbing to the flames and falling into the magma below. Having taken care of the trespasser, the dragon flew back to its perch on the top of tower.
“That was freaking pathetic Carl.” Hego said glancing up from his mirror to watch the bridge and Carl’s hopefully dead body fall into the magma. “This is how a real Hero saves a princess!” He said confidently as he drew his sword. Hego started running straight at the tower, even though the one way across the lava no longer existed. He didn’t even have a plan, and didn’t need one. This was because he was a hero and more importantly the main character of this story. Main characters are imbued with powers that supporting characters like Carl could only dream of. As if to prove the point Hego lost his balance (because it's quite hard to run with both a sword and a three foot hand mirror in your hands) and fell.
When Hego fell he accidentally struck a rock with the hilt of his sword and broke it along with the equilibrium of the faultline they were on. This in turn split a nearby mountain in two, sending a large piece of rock shooting skyward. Hego got back up and checked his mirror to make sure his hair wasn’t messed up and resumed his maniacal run at the tower. The dragon, having noticed another intruder, took off and went to intercept him. But little did the dragon know, it was dealing with an MC. It was not prepared for a large rock missile to come out of nowhere and crush it into its own lava moat. Hego, expecting as much, calmly walked across his newly made rock bridge in search of the princess. The princess was very fond of high places so he knew that she would only be at the top of the tower. There was a stairway inside but that was not the way of a true hero. He climbed the face of the tower with ease, for he’d had plenty of practice. He reached the top of the 420 foot tower in a matter of seconds, and climbed through the window. .
“Your hero has arrived.” Hego announced gallantly as he struck his best superman pose by the window.
“I’m saved,” The Princess said exhaustedly from the bed, “Carry me.” Teleporting is hard work and she had been passed out on the bed for the past few hours. Despite this her hair was still perfect. He picked her up, making sure to flex and checking to see if she noticed. She did. She was quite easy to carry, especially since her waist was skinnier than her neck. With princess in tow, only now could he take the stairs. They left the tower and went to the edge of the forest where the horses were tied up. “You always bring me a horse as well,” The Princess said in a sing song voice that always ended up attracting random wildlife, “You're so kind.”
“Anything for you Princess,” Hego said as he gave her a bow, “Let’s ride off into the sunset, shall we?”
“That sounds like a splendid idea,” The Princess said as animals started coming out of the woodworks, “We must make the daylight last as long as possible. For the night is dark and full of terrors!” They mounted their horses as fast as they could and chased after the quickly receding sunlight.